(Closed) Friend texted me and said…

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I have a friend who I saw about three months ago, and we were close my junior year of college, but we’ve been drifting a bit since, and when we were hanging out (pre-engagement) she asked if she could be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

I awkwardly said something to the effect of ‘Sure, if he ever proposes [insert awkward, nervous laughter].” Well, since that day we’ve barely talked. I’ve tried reaching out to her repeatedly, and she’s stood me up a couple of times.

This might be kinda mean of me (and super passive-agressive), but the way I ‘told’ her was to point her to my wedding website, where it lists my BMs. I know, super childish, but it was late and she only bothers with me as a ‘friend’ when something interesting is happening in my life. So…..mature response, no.

If I could do it again in a more rational, adult manner, I would tell her that you have to keep the bridal party small (even if it’s 4 people) and you’ve already told W, X, Y & Z that they could be in your party. I would let her know that you still want her involved and that you’d love to have her be there at your bridal shower and your bachelorette party.

Post # 4
42 posts
  • Wedding: November 2010

Who the heck says something like that to a bride? I’ll tell you who- somebody who knows that they haven’t been all that great of a friend but they expect to be treated like they have. Don’t ever add somebody to your wedding party because you’re afraid they will get upset. If she is grumpy and unpredictable, she will probably end up doing more harm than good.

Post # 5
2201 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Maybe you can offer up the personal attendant role to “soften the blow”. But yeah, she shouldn’t have sent that via text, or put you in that position. I wouldn’t make her a bridesmaid out of guilt – I have a feeling that we’d see you back here in 6 months posting about how she’s gone AWOL or is a bridesmaid-zilla.

Post # 6
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think it’s very rude of her say something like that to you! As others have said, if she really is that moody and grumpy, you don’t want her sour mood to ruin yor day. You get to choose who you have as your bridesmaids and people shouldn’t just guilt you into choosing them.

Post # 7
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

ugh, not an easy situation to be in.  I don’t think asking her to avoid hurting her feelings or having her be upset with you is the best approach… especially if you expect she might not be a great BM!

I would be honest but not brutally honest (I don’t think there’s any need to say that she’s grumpy or has her own issues), but tell her that while you value her friendship and really want her to be there on your big day, you have decided that your BMs will be your closest friends, relatives, etc. (some identifying thing that sets them apart from her).

I chose my BMs and a week later a cousin who I was close with years and years ago called me to tell me how upset she was with me that I hadn’t asked her “because we’re like sisters.”  (I’ve posted about this before).  I was so caught off guard (and disappointed that she made her “congratulations you’re engaged” call to me all about her), but I was honest – I just told her that while I wanted her there, I asked my sister and my closest friends to be my BMs, women who are there for me day in, day out and I see them and speak with them all the time.  She and I speak maybe once a year and she didn’t even know FI’s name!  She later deleted me and my BMs from a social networking site, then added me back, blah blah blah.  I decided not to invite her to the wedding at all (she said she would wear the same colour dresses as my BMs “and just get in the pictures”, so I kind of expected some drama and really don’t need it!  She emailed me two weeks ago “just to let me know she has a new address” (I’ve never sent her anything in my life, so I assume she’s expecting an invite).  I’m awaiting the drama when she finds out one isn’t coming – I am certain she will not see any fault on her part.

Good luck… I hope your friend understands, and IMO if she’s a true friend, she will.

Post # 8
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I think my bigger issue with this situation is that she TEXTED! instead of calling you.  If she is planning on being “heart-broken” over it, then she could’ve picked up the phone.  

Be honest with her.  Just tell her that you don’t feel like she is being a very good friend.  But then again, you also mentioned that she is going through a bit of a grumpy spell.  

If you want her as a bridesmaid, then she can be a bridesmaid, just don’t expect to have high hopes thats all.

Post # 11
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

NO! Don’t worry about her feelings. Trust me, she just wants to be asked. later on, if she isn’t that good of a friend like you said, she will be complaining about buying the dress, hair, makeup, shoes, going to the rehearsal dinner, etc. Only ask people to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man if you want them in your INTIMATE circle on your wedding day. Think to yourself, do you want or need her drama on the wedding day? While you are planning everything?????? Take it from me, I had 6 BMs…

Post # 12
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Oh and I’d like toadd, you do not owe her an explanation either. You can have her do a reading, or be in charge of something day-of, but seriously, you don’t need to explain to everyone why you chose certain people. It’s just not right that she threatened you like that. Like “Hey! You better do this or I’ll be sad!!” Totally not cool. Sorry if I’m blunt, just have to tell you how I see it 🙂

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