Post # 1
I have a friend whom I known since high school. We were really good friends but as we gotten older we drifted from one another. During that time I met my fiancé. My fiancé and my friend (let’s name her Lucy) never really socialized. When my fiancé and I first started dating I wasn’t too sure if he was the one and I told Lucy that. Mind you that conversation was like 6 years ago during the first year we dated. Afterwards I’ve been lovey dovey with my fiancé. Well everytime she sees him with me she makes settle inappropriate comments such as ‘BearBear47 can leave you anytime she wants’ without him every provoking the idea that he mistreats me. It made me frustrated towards her and it was one of the main reasons why I didn’t ask her to become one of my bridesmaid aside from the fact that she lives in another city.
When I broke the news to her that she wasn’t going to be one of my bridesmaid like 6 months ago and she was calm and understanding. I didn’t elaborate any further nor did she. Well now, 4 months before the wedding she decided to tell me that she’s been bitter and upset that I didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid. Honestly I was shock and felt guilty. She wasn’t telling for the sake of trying to relief her emotions but more for the sake of expecting to become a bridesmaid. I told her that even if I asked her she wouldn’t be able to help me out since she lived so far nor attend events… And plus even if I ask her now she’ll still be upset that I didn’t ask her first. She agreed with my comments but stated that she still wants to be a bridesmaid and that if she isn’t made into one she might not attend my wedding
So now I’m lost. There is an opportunity that she can be a bridesmaid since my fiance’s friend is still pending on his response on whether he can be a groomsmen since he is living in a different country and expecting his first child soon. I told her I’ll think about and get back to her in May cause that’s when we will find out about the other groomsmen. However if I ask her now I’ll just feel like I was bullied into it. I still want to keep a relationship with her but I know I need to be careful with my decision cause it’s either she will get more piss or I’ll get really pissed at her.
Ugh. Help? Please no bashing cause it’ll just fuel my annoyance with the whole situation and her.
Post # 2
Tell her no and stay to no. If she can’t be a big enough person to attend your wedding and support you as a guest, she can’t be counted on to support you as a bridesmaid. Especially if she mades snide comments to your FI. Don’t deal with all the negativity and her issues.
Post # 3
BearBear47: I would stick with no. I don’t know that, 4 months before your wedding, you will want to deal with her honestly. It is going to be more stressful for you in the end. Doesn’t sound like she’s a very good friend anyway if in the past 6 years she has been unable to get over the one comment you made early on in your relationship. I would think if she were a good friend no matter where she lives she would have gotten to know your FI a bit better.
Post # 4
BearBear47: It is rude of her to say she may not attend the wedding if she is not a bridesmaid. If that were my friend, it would make me sad, but it would make my decision all that more justified. So no. I would not let her be a BM. Good luck.
Post # 5
CarterLove: +1. <br />OP, if she was truly your friend, she would be attending your wedding regardless. She sounds like a rude person and not someone you’d want as a close friend. Those comments in front of your FI are uncalled for, no matter what her basis is for making them. Save yourself the stress and tell her that logistically, it would be too difficult to add her as a BM. If she doesn’t attend your wedding, well, yeah.
Post # 6
She’s rude, makes inappropriate comments about your relationship, and has already demonstrated that she doesn’t care if she stresses you out right before your wedding with inappropriate demands. Not good bridesmaid material. She hasn’t put your feelings or needs first at any part of this process, and I doubt she will start just because you cave about her being a bridesmaid. Unless you want a seriously stressful wedding and planning period, I would tell her no and be utterly firm.
Post # 7
Nope, it’s not worth it because then she’ll just hate you for not asking her and she’ll resent you and think you did it just to please her. Which you would have, and she’d be right, and it’d give her good reason to keep resenting you. You don’t need that kind of drama while you’re planning your wedding. If she chooses not to attend because she can’t be a bridesmaid by forcing you to make her one, she’s not really a friend anyway. Screw her. Who cares? Nope. Stick to no.
Post # 8
BearBear47: I understand the value of holding on to friends who have known you for many years. But do you really want the kind of friend who is going to give you ultimatums in order to get her way, rather than being supportive of you and your marriage? Seems to me she is only thinking about herself and her own feelings, and not you at all.
Post # 9
I always breathe a sigh of relief when dodge the Being a Bridesmaid bullet, LOL. I truly do not understand the angst and drama over not being in a wedding party!
Post # 10
I wouldn’t give in. You said yourself that you guys have been drifting apart. What she said was incredibly rude. If she does not attend your wedding because you didn’t make her a bridesmaid would be a very justifiable reason to cut ties with her completely.
Post # 11
I would tell her that’s in unfortuante that she might not attend and she will be missed. I would not let a friend strong arm you into being a bridemaid. Honestly, this little stunt/events would show me that she’s not the kind of friend I would want. I don’t friends giving me ultimatums or putting stipulations on our relationship.
It’s tough, but like PPs said, stick to no. Just tell her unfortunately your bridal party is set and you hope she will be there to celebrate with you.
Post # 12
You should never feel guilted or pressured into making someone a bridesmaid.<br />I have someone in a similar situation who’s first comment out of her mouth when I got engaged was – “Oh, yay! I get to be in the wedding, right?” and because of her pushy attitude, she isn’t even on the guestlist. <br />Toxic friends suck. You really don’t want one BESIDE you on your wedding day. You should be thinking about YOU and how to stay calm and organized on that day, not about her feelings.
Post # 13
Thankyou for your advice. It just reaffirms my decision in not making her as one of my bridesmaid.
I do want to keep our relationship despite her shady comments about my relationship. Weird right? Overall she is a good friend to me and hasn’t crossed the border of me becoming angry at her about her comments. She been very very close but not yet there. I think I am partially to blame because I never bluntly told her that her comments were rude which is something I should have done. I do plan on talking to her about it later this week.
Anyway I can imagine some of you might object against my decision but I think I would like to involve her somehow in the wedding for the sake of keeping our relationship on somewhat of a good note… I just don’t want her as a bridesmaid. Any suggestion?