Post # 1
Hi bees. Need some friendship advice. I have a dear friend who is always talking to me about how she’s depressed about being single. She always ‘wishes’ she had a date to bring to events and often jokingly asks me if my fiancé has any friends she can go out with. She tried online dating for a while, a LONG while, but never went out with anyone.
I happened to have met a great guy who I think would be very good for and with my friend. I asked her permission before I mentioned her to him, ran everything I said by her, and kept her in the loop the whole time. At first she thought he was ‘sooooooo cute!’ and loved he was in the same field as her.
Now he can’t wait to meet her – but she refuses! All of a sudden she’s not sure and doesn’t want to be pressured into dating!
I’m honestly very annoyed. If she doesn’t want to go out with this person then fine. That’s her prerogative. But I am absolutely tired of her complainjng, for YEARS, about not being able to meet someone, when clearly she is the one sabotaging and avoiding it herself. Am I in the wrong for being annoyed with her? I guess she would just rather have a friend to commiserate about being lonely with than actually doing anything about it? I’m tired of hearing her complain about something she does nothing to change, but is it my place to tell her that?
I’m sorry if this sounds ridiculous and I hope no one judges me too harshly. I figured it was better venting on here than saying something to her I might regret.
Post # 2
I’d be pretty annoyed too, but now that you know she won’t take you up on your offers (so to speak), you don’t have to put out the effort in finding her good candidates. I don’t think you need to sit down with her and tell her what a pill she’s being, but the next time she starts complaining, I would just say something like, “Well I tried to set you up with a really great guy, and you wouldn’t go, so don’t know what to tell you!”
Post # 3
People are fun (this is the theme that keeps popping into my head after reading so many posts tonight… loaded with sarcasm).
She sounds like a negative person… and they can be so exhausting to try to cheer up all the time. Tell her to be happy about something or change her life. It’s up to her, not you. I know you want to try to help, but it seems that there is no helping her without being honest with her. Just remember, if she’s really insecure, you could lose a friend if you don’t sugarcoat your honesty.
Post # 4
LAX03: ack. i have a friend like yours. it’s not that she hates being single. she LOVES being the martyr! she’s probably awesome, and pretty, and all that. so when she has all those qualities and can throw out a complaint about (probably) how she doesn’t understand why she’s still single, etc., then it’s the perfect gateway for people to be like, “omg we don’t know either! you’re so smart! you’re so pretty! boys are stupid–you’re awesome!!”
it is annoying, but it’s also her problem. you tried setting her up with a good match, but now she’s refusing to have anything to do with him. that sucks, but what are you going to do? i mean you could always organize a group outing– a movie or bowling or something — and not tell her he’ll be there. aside from being sneaky like that you’re kinda SOL. :/
i will say this: the only other thing i can come up with is that maybe she has anxiety or something that makes her legitimately uncomfortable with meeting new people. now, if that’s the case it’s still kind of her issue, but it’s a much more legitimate issue. she’s freaking out, and she can’t help it. that’s probably driving her nuts as much as it is you.
Post # 5
LAX03: The next time she starts to complain… “I totally understand how frustrated you are. However I dont think I’m doing any favors by listening you complain about being single. I’ve tried to help you, but until you help yourself, there isn’t anything I can do. So I’m starting to be frustrated by my inability to help you. So unless there is some underlying reason that you havent told me like aniety or being raped/molested, I dont think I can listen to this any more. Once you want to be more pro-active I will do everything I can to be supportive, but until then, when you bring it up, I will change the subject.”
Post # 6
LAX03: ugh that is super frustrating! Especially since she was for it the whole time and now you have to tell the guy she has changed her mind after talking her up! Ugh!
But what can you do? Now you have a specific situation to refer to if she starts feeling sorry for herself again “well, i tried to introduce you to someone – but you didn’t want to be pressured into dating!” I doubt it will shut her up, but its worth a shot lol
i have a similar friend except when she does date they are absolute ass holes. She complains about not being able to meet people, but everytime i invite her somewhere she declines. She also is pretty superficial sometimes – i dont understand how because she is really a sweet person, but she only dates guys who are physical trainers and also a certain ethnic background. Hello you keep dating the same guy with a different name! Broaden your range and be more open minded!
Post # 7
Oh my gosh. I know someone similar who hates being single but every great guy she’s met has some thing wrong with him in her eyes and it’s stupid stuff. As in ‘I don’t like his hair cut so I’m not going to go on a second date with him’. Wow you think people have to have the same hair cut for the rest of their lives?
Id tell your friend that she’s being an idiot and passing up a great opportunity. Then, like PPs said, next time she complains tell her she brings it on herself and you’re not going to help anymore.
Post # 8
LAX03: It’s annoying, but I’m guessing she is really nervous and lacking in confidence.
I would encourage her with words along the lines of, “You need to do this. You don’t need to commit to a relationship – just go on one date. If you want, drive yourself so you can leave when you want. The worst you can do is waste an evening”. Or you could even suggest a group situation.
Post # 9
TheGridMonster: I am going to do exactly this!
MrsHalpert: The anxiety might be an actual possibility. She’s seemingly well adjusted in other things but if this were the case it wouldnt surprise me.
Dogsbody92: I have another friend who does this! Nice and good looking guy with a good job asks her out, but she can’t date him because ‘he has a crooked nose and it would bother me…’ YEAH OKAY. Im also tired of her complaining that shes single!