Post # 1
So, I have this friend, “Amy”. Since I have met Amy 4 years ago she has wanted to get married to her boyfriend she has been with since she was 16.
Now that I’m engaged, she is even more desperate. She comes over and looks through my bridal magazines, plans, everything…her BF is not biting. Her & her BF, me and my FI went for lunch after I was newly engaged and her and I gushed about it and he said “can you stop talking about this? it makes me nervous”. Countless times he has promised to get engaged to her at certain land marks (graduation, completion of a class, once she got a new job, once he saved up money).
Her dream is to be a wife and a mother. She worked 3 jobs to put him through trade school and now he is asking her what shes going to do with her future. He went and spent all of the $800 he saved up for a ring on fly fishing gear and marijuana. Her best friend just got divorced and told her never ever to marry him because she is too good for him. She came over last night and I asked her what she would do if he didn’t want to get married and she said “I dont know…I just don’t know…I’d die” and she began crying.
What can you even say to this friend? I know just “be there” for her but I am at a loss for words when she brings it up or started crying. Have you ever heard of a relationship like this that has lasted? Did they get married and stay married?
Post # 3
That’s a tough situation. From an outsider’s perspective, I’m screaming RUN! He’s had way too many chances and has made way too many empty promises.
It sounds like she is settling for him, and the way he treats her, because she wants to be married and have kids. Not because she loves him and wants to start a union/family with him. Is there any way that you can bring that point up to her? Although she might be too emotional right now to really listen to what you’re saying.
Post # 4
This guy is not good for her and I think she is wasting her time and her life on him. She needs to move on and find someone who really loves her and wants to marry her. I would be honest with her…I think that’s what she is looking for is some real honesty.
Post # 5
But her best friend who just got divorced was pretty darn honest with her and she got mad at her for a few months…she didn’t see why she said it.
Post # 6
It’s possible that he DOES want to marry her, but is just responding to all the pressure she is putting on him. You didn’t mention how long they have been dating. But if they have been dating since they were 16, even if they had been dating for 10 years, it’s not totally unreasonable that he just isn’t ready yet. Whether he is good enoughf or her is an entirely different issue, but in terms of the engagement, I’d suggest to her that she lays off of him for awhile. He may be just giving her these goal posts because he is trying to take the pressure off himself. That’s not very nice, but that’s understandable considering the pressure. Once he has had time to cool off, she needs to have an honest, no pressure discussion with him and asks him if he sees them getting married and when. No guy wants to propose when he is being hounded about it constantly.
Post # 7
@Krises: I totally agree with you too. Theyve been together 6 years. Lived together over 5.
The more I think about it, the more I think she should back off for a while, let him cool down a bit and stop nagging at him and then ask him in a couple of months seriously if he is willing to do this. If not, there’s your answer.
The sad thing is she told me when he has some money to go get a ring, they will just go into the store, buy one and walk out wearing it. When I said “oh, so he won’t propose?” and her response was “nope!! And when people ask us how we got engaged I will just say I begged him to marry me!! hehehe”
Post # 8
she sounds wayyy to young to get married.
Post # 9
It really sounds like she wants the engagement and the marriage just for the sake of an engagement and marriage not because she’s in love with this guy and wants to be with him.
As her friend, there’s not much that you can say to her with her emotions being so high. She wants to get engaged, he obviously doesn’t right now or he doesn’t want to propose just because of the pressure. I guess the best thing to do is just listen. It can only go one of two ways, either he’ll propose or he won’t. Not much to do but wait.
Post # 10
@vmec: Yeah living together since they were 17?! Damn. Anyway, I wouldn’t say anything. She knows their relationship better than anyone else – warts and all.
Post # 12
@ashescats: You know, this one is tough, it’s hard when your friends gets engaged, married and it feels like thesidtract world is leaving u behind. Every1 has their own timeline. She just has to either accept that the bf isn’t ready, or break up and find someone who is. Can you distract her anyway?
Post # 13
@ashescats: “But her best friend who just got divorced was pretty darn honest with her and she got mad at her for a few months…she didn’t see why she said it.”
Yipes. This makes it tough for you to say anything, if this is likely to be her response. Sounds like this may be one of those “all I can do is be there for you when things go south” kinds of situations. Unfortunately.
Post # 14
I dont know. If she is like early twenties i wouldn’t worry too much. She is probably putting too much pressure on him (which I get, i’ve done it too dont worry). I have friends who were together 8 years before they got married because they started dating at 16. So it made sense to wait.
Mid-twenties is the ideal age to get married as you should be financially stable and mature enough to make the decision.
She should have a serious conversation with him. What his expectations are. When he would ike to get married. BUt not an angry conversation. Just a mature one.
Post # 15
@Rush1986: She is 24. Thanks everyone.
Post # 16
UPDATE: she dragged him to the store and he bought her one. I hope it works out.