Friend who invites herself. What to do? (long)

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What do I do about "friend" who invites herself?
    Invite her, there will be lots of people : (5 votes)
    14 %
    Explain why you don't want her there : (18 votes)
    49 %
    Other : (14 votes)
    38 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    370 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Why do you even call yourself friends with this girl when you wrote so many negative things about her?

    If you don’t invite her, it sounds like it will be the nail in the coffin of your friendship.

    Decide whether you want to keep her friendship and act accordingly.

    I don’t think you should feel obliged to invite anyone you do not want to invite to your own wedding but I think it is important that you consider the ramifications of your decision first.

    Post # 5
    Member
    460 posts
    Helper bee

    How about an email with the standard, “Unfortunatley our guest list was finalized already, and the wedding is intimate & small with room for only family and close friends” mantra. If you go in person, she is liable to put you on the spot about cancellations and room being made for her by those, or be confrontational, etc. And no offense, but if you aren’t comfortable dealing with that kind of behavior on the fly, you might be more likely to cave in. 

     

    Good luck … Sounds like you are trying to surround yourself with positive energy vs negative, which this girl sounds to be in abundance of!

     

    ETA – we sometimes have friends in school, but grow apart from these people for various reasons as we mature and grow. We discover less things in common, or new directions we want to grow as adults, and that is ok. If you DO confront her about terminating the friendship due to her behavior, leave any mention of her medical issues out of it. Keep it to the facts. Dissing her medical issues opens the door for her to bad mouth you in return, and that gets you nowhere fast.

    Post # 6
    Member
    113 posts
    Blushing bee

    I live with a girl who’s really smelly (and unhygenic, she refuses to take her moldy food out of the fridge) thankfully she’s got the hint that I don’t like her.

    I’d just text her back something short and sweet like ‘Hey, thanks for the interest, but I’m afraid we’re limited due to this being a family only event/ a tight budget/ we’re getting married in the middle of the Antartic, sorry!’

    That should pretty much cover it?

    Post # 7
    Member
    1482 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

    I dont think you have to even meet up with her ad explain anything seeing as she sent you a text. I would simply say to her at this point “Hey, we have not decided on the guests list yet  we wish we could invite everyone but we cant” and leave it at that. 

    You said you dont want to be friends with this girl anyway so you need to be direct some time.

    Post # 9
    Member
    920 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    @RECrerar:

    Personally I would just end the relationship between you two.  I just don’t think it’s right for someone to even think that you consider them a friend when you think such awful things about them.  Plus she’s probably just looking to find a random single guy to pray off of and a free meal.

    Post # 10
    Member
    460 posts
    Helper bee

    @RECrerar:  Then don’t worry yourself at all with the terminating the friendship piece. She didn’t ask you to still be her friend. She asked for an invite to your wedding. Tell her it’s not possible and go about your business. After being rejected a few times, she should get the hint. And if she doesn’t, AFTER your wedding, have the sit down with her and do what you have to do. But don’t put this unnecessary stress on yourself during what is supposed to be a happy time already filled with other stresses. 

     

     

     

    Also, if anyone is planning a shower or event for you, make sure they know NOT to include her, or it will open the door for more invitational fishing or assumptions you changed your mind.

     

     

     

    Lastly, I am not a fan of being rude to people, but some ppl just don’t take hints, and as noted by OP, this person sounds somewhat socially inept and rude. Does she have parents or siblings that you can talk to in hopes they can convey her “weaknesses” to her constructively? Otherwise (again, AFTER your wedding), you just might need to play tough girl and dish up a dose of blunt truth to this girl.

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    505 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    i have a “friend” like that too, so i totally understand. she already invited herself once and i told her it was too soon to figure out a guest list. i expect it to happen again.

    because i really dont want to be her friend (but also dont like to hurt others), unfortuantely my options will be: avoidance for as long as i can; and then some excuse about “guest limit/family only/tight budget” (none of which is true but she doesn’t need to know that)

     

    good luck! but pleast dont cave in. its YOUR DAY. what would you REGRET more – caving and inviitng her and having her annoy you and guests all day, or a slight guilt that would eventually diminish?

    Post # 12
    Member
    2720 posts
    Sugar bee

    Agree with others – avoidance! Blame the venue, budget, whatever. I wouldn’t want to meet withnher though – you would end up paying for drinks!

    Post # 14
    Member
    2419 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Just be truthful without being brutal. Say that you are sorry but the guest list has already been finalised and unfortunately you can’t include her on it. If necessary blame a limitation on numbers but to be honest, from my experience of people who won’t be told, the more dialogue you open, the more holes you’ll dig for yourself. So keep it short, as sweet as possible and simple! Then don’t get into any more debate with her about your wedding.

    Post # 15
    Member
    3693 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @RECrerar:  Since she texted you, I would just text her back with one of the standard lines that previous posters mentioned. I wouldn’t sit down with her or have a friendship-ending conversation or anything like that.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1681 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I’m with the others. Just casually explain she isn’t on the guestlist for whatever reason you can think of. I’m sure he can tell the relationship is dwindling. If not, she’s blind.

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