Post # 1
My FI and I became engaged in May. At that time I was a BM for another friend’s “Sept Bride” wedding (which occured in Sept.). She was unsure if her & future hubby would be staying in the area or moving far far away. She had spent the past 2 years living far away and we had minimal contact… she is the type of person who struggles to keep in touch if she doesn’t live near you.
I asked the 4 girls I wanted to be in my wedding ASAP (2 best friend who live in other states, FSIL, and friend who lives close by AND was also in the Sept. Wedding).
The problem is Sept. Bride is now living close by & we’re spending more time together & she’s been helping me a bit. I still don’t want her has a BM because I know our relationship will change if/when she/I move further away.
I’m not sure how I can break the news w/o her being offended she wasn’t chosen because I was just in her wedding as was one of my BM.
The only thing FI & I have thought about is inviting Sept. Bride & her hubby to have an alt. role in our wedding, something they can do TOGETHER. (He works every weekend & is planning on taking off for the wedding).
Post # 3
Can they do a reading (biblical, poem, whatever your preference is) at the reception?
Post # 4
I guess my question for you would be do you consider her a close friend? You don’t have to live close by or even talk all the time to have a meaningful friendship and connection with someone. As a BM, what would you expect from her? Are you a buy the dress and show up bride, or do you want them actively involved? I guess what I don’t get is why it matters, if you are close with her now and have been in the past, if she ultimately moves away. It’s about your relationship and how it is now. One of my BMs lives in Ohio and we don’t talk that often because neither of us are phone people but she’s like a sister to me and her friendship means the world to me. So I guess I’m not seeing how distance and constant contact really matter here – she’s either a friend or she’s not and that should dictate your choice.
Post # 5
As sucky as it is, if you don’t intend to ask her to be a BM and she thinks you might, it’s possible that you can’t really avoid hurting her feelings. I was a BM for a girl with whom I was close years ago, but we’ve since drifted apart (nothing bad, we just live in different towns and have different lives). I suspect that she was expecting to be a BM, especially when we first got engaged. She asked me “so have you picked BM?” right after we got engaged. Instead of putting her off, I decided to be honest and tell her that I was sorry I couldn’t include her, but I had already picked X, Y and Z to be my BM. She was hurt, but I think it was easier telling her up front, rather than avoiding the question.
If you do want to find a way to inclulde your friend and her husband, a reading might be a nice way to do that.
Post # 6
I agree with Kittyachi. I will also add that if I were in your situation and decided NOT to pick her, I probably wouldn’t say anything unless she asks you directly.
Post # 7
I also agree with kittychai. Both of my MoH and BM far away. I only see my MoH once every few years, if we were lucky, and the last time I saw my BM was 2 1/2 years ago, but I consider both my two closest friends. I also don’t stay in contant with neither of them, but enough to keep the bond. However, whether you want to include her is up to you, but I don’t see how you can avoid hurting her feelings, unless she just doesn’t care either way (but it seems like that’s not the case). I think if I were her and were expecting to be a BM (and I’d expect that only because you were in the Sept wedding not that long ago), I’d be hurt whether or not you were to give me an alternate role.