Friend won't talk to me, is it justified?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: state your opinion
    B is being unreasonable : (18 votes)
    13 %
    OP is at fault : (7 votes)
    5 %
    It's everyone's fault : (42 votes)
    31 %
    Yes, send an invitation : (27 votes)
    20 %
    No, don't send invitation : (19 votes)
    14 %
    OP should just let it go : (18 votes)
    13 %
    too long didn't read : (6 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    57 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2014


    You may have overreacted, but she started this whole mess. She cut you out of her life because you called her out on her bullshit. I personally would not invite her to my wedding. If she told BIL she didn’t want the pool I’d drain and sell it on craigslist and try to get a little bit of money out of it.

    Post # 4
    1535 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    @Tyrande:  I don’t really think you said anything wrong. She was talking about you to your BIL behind your back about things you talked about in private. All you did was try and figure out what the problem was.

    I don’t think she is a good friend. You should get your BIL to get all of your things for you and don’t invite her to the wedding

    Post # 5
    285 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    she’s not responding to you because she knows she got caught bullsh!tting and cant get out of it!

    i would have done the same in your position (rightly or wrongly!) so yes, it may have been an overreaction but an understandable one

    i would also not invite her to my wedding if i were you. Her actions of stirring should show you that she is not the friend you thought she was.

    as for the pool, i would send BIL round to pick it up as they are ok now 🙂 


    Post # 6
    3769 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 1999

    I do kind of think that you deserve to be ignored. If B was talking to BIL with good intentions and you went off and told BIL every bad thing she said about him-then yes that is really shitty.

    I don’t understand why you would ever tell somebody all the bad things someone said about them in the first place, no wonder your BIL is paranoid-he has the two of you talking shit about him all the time.

    I think you should write B a letter saying you made a big mistake and regret starting all this drama. I would still invite her to the wedding, if you are hoping to make amends with her.

    Post # 7
    3128 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    @ieatunicorns:  I agree with this.

    It sounds like she said what she did with good intentions and BIL overreacted. Then you went and caused a huge scene. I wouldn’t talk to you anymore either.

    If you want to repair the relationship, I second writing a letter. Either way I would let the material items go unless you want to end the friendship completely and take them to small claims court.

    Post # 8
    1734 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1998

    The way you approached the confrontation was not the best idea – ideally, it should have been done with all of them individually. You started literally pointing fingers and people got defensive. I fully understand your upset and your pain, but I’m just pointing out in the opposite direction how that may have felt to B – and why she’s now ignoring you.

    No, I don’t think the woman is a good friend. Apparently she parrots everything you say to her right back to other people. And while you maybe didn’t mean mentions of your brother-in-law’s personality maliciously, she processed this information, then turned it over to him. You have to be a complete idiot not to stop and think: “Hmm, I wonder if I mention this to him how he’ll take it?” and think it will possibly be taken neutrally or positively.

    Friends talk to each other. Friends even badmouth other people or blow off steam and feel they can do so in a safe, private environment. This woman’s obviously just going around, collecting tales, then spewing them to the next available person to watch the smoke blow. She knows she’s caught, and that’s why she’s avoiding you – because she’s at the core of it all.

    Her wonderful personality continues to shine with her mentions of not turning over a pool you paid for. I’ve been downright furious with folks, even ended friendships, and had the decency to mail back their stuff, drop it off or call them to come and pick it up.

    I had a friend who would also tell others every last thing you said to him. The guy had no filter. He’s no longer my friend, OP. And while you may not see it now, it may be a blessing in disguise with B. Because every time you talk to her, you’d find yourself thinking, “Will this get out?” If you have to restrain yourself around a friend, odds are the friendship is not the kind you deserve.

    Post # 9
    5905 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    @Tyrande:  …loose lips sink ships, and THIS is why if you’re going to talk about another person, you never say anything about them that you wouldn’t say plainly to their face….but, hindsight is 20/20…and this is a heaping mess you’ve got here now.

    If it were me, I’d write off B, that was shitty and two faced and she shark tanked you…who wants to be friends with someone like that….and what was she hoping to accomplish by revealing the private conversations you had about him, other than create a problem….?

    You need to apologize to BIL, he is actually the victim here, no one likes being talked about, so I’d focus on making sure you’re ok with him first.

    If you want your things back, and can prove you paid for them, but are dealing with unresponsive people, the only course of action you have is small claims court…sent a certified letter, return receipt advising that if you are not contacted regarding the pick up of the following items, you will have no other remedy but to take it to court….people usually jump after that.

    As far as inviting her to the wedding, I don’t know….you really want her there after this?

    Post # 10
    3570 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    whether she is being unreasonable or not, this is a friend you do not need.  I would stop analyzing the situation and move on.  She’s not a good friend so let it go.

    Post # 11
    2642 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    What a mess!  Honestly, it sounds like everyone here screwed up and acted like a bunch of teenagers.  B should not have been relaying the negative things you said to your BIL.  I can understand the her telling him about the strip club and the bit about him not coming over, but it sounds like she is telling him a lot more than that?  I’m honestly a bit confused as to what she said at this point.  Did she actually relay all the negative things you said or is your BIL blowing things out of proportion?

    Your BIL should have talked to YOU and not danced around the issue to your FI.

    You should have talked directly to BIL and B SEPARATELY to figure out what exactly happened and what exactly was said.  There is a crap ton of she-said, he-said going on around here.  You also should not have taken the higher ground and not told your BIL everything B said about him.  That was pretty low and classless (though I think you realize that).

    But what’s done is done and you can’t change anything.  The point is that I think it’s everyone’s fault and no one acted like an adult.  As far as what to do next, CALL HER or GO SEE HER IN PERSON.  Enough with the texting.  I don’t know why people think that texting is an acceptable way to apologize or having meaningful/important conversations.  You should be the one calling/visiting her, not your FI.  I’d probably ignore someone too if they only texted or used their FI as a means to contact me.

    It sounds like you and B were very good friends before and it’d be a shame to lose that over one stupid fight.  I’d still send her an invitation as a way to extend the olive branch.  And if she does accept, you now know that you need to be careful about what you say around her (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, we all have that friend who doesn’t quite know when to keep their mouth shut).

    Good luck and I hope you are able to work everything out.


    Post # 12
    528 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @Tyrande:  B is a huge B. She’s a terrible friend, the kind of person who thrives on drama and doesn’t care whose lives she Fs with when she stirs things up. That night around the campfire she left because she knew that she had betrayed your trust and she’s in the wrong. At the very least, she can’t face up to her mistakes. Regardless, she’s toxic and you are better off without her. 

    As for your stuff, just go get it. It’s your stuff. If she won’t return it to you or let you collect it, she has technically stolen it and you could all the cops. Not saying you should get the police involved, just saying B keeping your stuff is illegal. 

    Post # 15
    1466 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @mydeadfriendx:  +1!

    Except I still think you can invite her to your wedding if you were counting on it. It looks like your wedding date is far enough off so things could change by then.

    However, she does seem to be full of drama so I would not be BFFs with her again, just friends and hang out occasionally. She sounds like someone you have to be careful around.  

    It’s totally okay to feel upset about this. That is normal! It really sucks. Time will help it pass though. 

    As for all of your things, I think FI and BIL should go over to her house and collect them. 

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