- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014 - Traverse City
So exactly two years ago today, I met one of my closest friends. Let’s call her Jenny. We just “clicked”. We were definitely those friends that could talk for hours. We connected, we understood each other. I graduated May 2012 and moved to Michigan for grad school (4 hours from undergrad college). I came back to visit in the summer and of course asked her to be one of my bridesmaids.
So it’s funny that on our “friend anniversary” if you will, that our friendship would suddenly be over. At the time I asked her to be in my wedding, she was so excited and wanted to begin planning things right away. After a while, this stopped, but it’s a long engagement so I didn’t think anything of it. Increasingly, she’s became more and more unresponsive. And not with wedding stuff… with ANYTHING. It wasn’t necessarily a foreign concept that she would occasionally be a little flaky, but when we lived near each other, rescheduling plans wasn’t a big deal. However, after moving out-of-state, her flakiness has come to light.
Our first “spat” was in November. Our group of girlfriends (also bridesmaids) planned a visit to come see me. Jenny had been telling me she planned on coming. About a week before, she said she couldn’t. I was very upset, but I waited to respond to her to collect my thoughts. I just stated that I understood, but I was very hurt. She blew this completely out of proportion and thought I wasn’t being understanding and considerate, simply because I was letting her know I was hurt. We didn’t talk for a couple weeks but we made amends and moved on. Everything was fine.
Jenny moved into a new house March 1, her first place from her parents. I moved into a new apartment at the same time, so we were talking to each other about our new homes. Suddenly, come March 1, nearly all communication ceases. I figured she was busy packing/moving, so after a couple weeks I texted her to say I missed her and wondered if we could Skype at some point to catch up. No response. This pattern went on until present day. Sometimes I wouldn’t get any response and other times it would be “Sorry, I’m busy, I’ll text you later”. At one point she actually said “I keep forgetting to get back to people. Sorry if you’re one of them”. As if I’m just a random person?
My friends are planning another trip in a few weeks, and I asked Jenny if she could make it. I never heard back from her. I did hear from another friend though, that she said she couldn’t go. So I finally sent her a text message basically asking what’s up with her, why has she been ignoring me, and that I really miss her and want to talk this over. I also mentioned that I wasn’t upset she couldn’t make the trip, but curious as to why she didn’t tell me directly. After a very long while, she finally says “I’ll respond to you tomorrow”. I was so annoyed at this point that I admittedly acted a little b*tchy and said “I’m sure you will. Just like you’ve said for the past 2 months”.
Which brings me to today. Earlier this evening, I received a rather long Facebook message from Jenny. She explained that she was tired of me being “petty” and tired of “fighting/arguing” over the past 6 months. She says I get angry every time she doesn’t respond. That I need to remember she’s had a life.
Woah, let’s backup. One small spat in November does not constitute arguing for 6 months. Also, this was the first time I ever responded with anything even the slightest bit rude to her “catch ya later” texts. Also, I’m a grad student, so I know what “busy” feels like and I still make time. Just throwing in this quick disclaimer.
As I’m continuing to read this long message, she says “If this is how our friendship is going to be, then you need to find someone else to replace me in your wedding party. I’ve thought about it a lot and I just can’t deal with this drama. I’m not going to spend money I don’t have on a wedding for someone I fight with all the time”. I lost it. I literally concaved and started sobbing. I mean sobbing. I just don’t understand. I had tried to maintain our close friendship and contact over the distance without bothering her. Every time she was busy or would say she would text me later, I said “ok, sounds good :)”. For all of the slacking she’s done on her part, I feel that I’ve been very patient. She’s the only one who’s acted uninvolved with the wedding, the only one who hasn’t visited me, the only one who hasn’t made an effort to maintain contact.
I was so hurt. I told her that you don’t just ask someone to be in your wedding just to ask–it’s because you can’t imagine doing it without them. I told her how special our friendship was and how silly to end it over a disagreement and misunderstanding. I told her how heartbroken and devastated I was. She firmly stood her ground and said she wouldn’t change her mind about the wedding or our friendship. I tried calling her a couple times, but she didn’t answer. I know she was on her phone, so there was no excuse. Since I failed to get ahold of her, I finally just said (completely out of anger and I’m regretting it): “You drop out of my wedding and breakup our friendship over Facebook. Then you don’t even have the courtesy to answer my calls. You’re a heartless b*tch. Get the f*ck out of my life, I don’t want to speak to you. I’m so sorry I ever asked you to be a part of this”.
Okay Bees, if you’ve stuck through this long to read this super lengthy post, I give you props. Aside from my last bitter words, am I in the wrong here??? I just don’t understand. I’m so dumfounded and shocked and confused. Hurt, devastated. It’s not just about losing her in my wedding, but her decision to end our friendship entirely. I don’t understand how our “close friendship” could be so fragile that it would be shattered by one episode of bickering and unsettled feelings over lack of communication.
Should I contact her to make amends? Leave it be? Is it just a total loss? I tried being as understanding as possible (obviously minus that last bit) but after 2 months of “I’ll catch you later”, I just got frustrated and I felt right to gently confront her. Maybe I shouldn’t have? Was I right to? I also know for a fact she’s been out several times with our other girlfriends, so I don’t understand why I’m the only one she’s just let go of.
Please help me find closure with this 🙁