Post # 1
One of my closest friends is our wedding day officiant. She is coming in from out of town(NYC) to LA. I told her months ago I didn’t need her in town to help me until Wednesday, week of the wedding. She says she has other things to do, so she books her flight for the SATURDAY before. I also made it clear that noone was staying with us week of…she calls me today and “mentions” that the friend she’s staying with is moving in October now and she can’t stay there. pause. awkward silence. I say that’s too bad, what are you going to do? but I know she wants me to say, oh that sucks, you can stay with us then. And I’m not going to do it.
2. She also casually mentions how well things are going with this new guy she’s seeing- they’ve been out 3 X- and text a lot, but so far that’s it. she says, oh btw he’s in LA for work the week of your wedding, (which is in 17 days) could he come? WTF???!! NO. he can’t. he can not come. he isn’t your bf. and I’m not redoing tables/ etc to add a random guy to our wedding, which is very small and only people we know, and love. so he’d be the ONLY stranger. and I said no. but I can tell she’s pissy about it.
Am I a B—-? or am I ok in saying no to both these things?!? I’m just PO’d she put me on the spot 2X in the same conversation. a conversation where I was telling her how stressed out I already was??!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Post # 3
Step one, stop answering the phone, step two, draw a bubble bath, step three, find a bottle of wine and finally: sip, soak, repeat…any questions?
I think your a woman that’s about to get married in 17 days, and while these requests might not have mattered much even a month ago….today it’s just too much. You NEVER have to take a phone call from anyone, or put someone up at your house, or feed someone that they’ve just started dating….that’s all optional. That being said, asking questions is always an ok thing, at least she actually asked instead of just showing up with bags at your door, or with this guy at your wedding…so look on the bright side and seriously…stop answering the phone. If someone can’t figure it out by now, they arent going to in the next 17 days, save yourself the frustration and remember, it’s all good!
Post # 4
I understand why you wouldn’t necessarily want her to stay in your home before the wedding, but honestly, she is flying across the country for your wedding and her previous plans fell through. I’d absolutely be offering her a place to stay before the wedding! Are you paying her to officiate or is she doing it for free? If she asks, I would let her stay before the wedding but let her know she will have to get a hotel for the night before/wedding night/whatever days close to the wedding you don’t want her there.
I do think it’s fine you said no to her bringing the guy – it’s far too close to the wedding to be asking to bring a guest.
Post # 5
I think you’re not being a good friend on either count. Her plane tickets are already booked and her free place to stay fell through; I think a friend would offer up their sofa. Feel free to put restrictions on it (I won’t be able to drive you anywhere, you’ll need to be out on Thursday when I get my makeup trial, whatever). But I’m assuming she’s bought her own plane ticket and isnt being paid for officiating. So the least you can do is be gracious. If ou absolutely can’t deal with her being in your home, then consider helping her find a reasonably priced hotel.
As for the date, I’d treat her as a member of the wedding party and allow her a guest. I know it’s not the best of circumstances, but sometimes we have to make some concessions for our friends.
Post # 6
fishbone: —> THIS … As usual good common sense.
Cannot believe that you didn’t issue your Officiant a PLUS ONE for the Reception (more so because SHE IS A FRIEND) … honestly, that is standard procedure / etiquette. Think you need to do the right thing here in an attempt to mend the fence.
Hope this helps,
Post # 7
@fishbone: I agree.
I understand that you’re stressed, OP, but she’s your friend who’s doing you a big favor. She tried to honor your wishes by finding somewhere to stay but it didn’t work out. You should help her out in return.
Post # 8
I disagree about not answering the phone. Sometimes people have important things to say or ask!
Your friend agreed to do the wedding when she was single, so you’re right about him not getting an invite. She can see him in LA the other nights, and I’m sure he can find something else to do the day of your wedding. I think you need to somehow politely say that if she raisies it again.
The accomodation is tricky. I assume she agreed to help because she did the sums: she could afford to fly out to LA, and there were not many other costs because there was a friend she could stay with. I’m guessing that renting a hotel room for a week will at least double, perhaps triple, the cost of her trip. I think if no other options are available (i.e. she can’t find another friend to stay with), you should offer to pay some of her accomodation costs.
Post # 9
@paula1248: Yes, I agree only because you haven’t met this man she’s been out with 3x. He might be a real corker, or very very weird. That being said, taking the higher road is best with friends. You are treating her like a vendor 100%, and while I understand that because she’s doing a job, she was your friend first. You would have given her a +1 even if she was coming as a friend only, would you not have OP? If he were to act oddly or rudely, it’s your friend’s embarrassment, not yours.
The accomodations thing…well, to be honest, I find it kind of rude of you not to offer to allow her to stay for at least some of the time, or if you’re really really stuck on not having anyone in your home to love and support you in the week coming up to your wedding, then offer to help her with hotel costs. This is all assuming you’re not paying her airfare and/or paying her for her services and she’s doing this as a gift to you. She’s really ponying up for your wedding, and making compromises (yeah, flying across country is not easy.) You should, too. How horrible would it be to have a friend around to paint your toenails, sip slushies and watch Lifetime with, and help you with that last minute stress? (which will come, trust me.) Especially if she’s a religious-type person and not just ordained for your wedding only. Yanno, the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah and all – Inhospitality.
Post # 10
We actually gave our officiant a +1 as we had our wedding on a boat and felt bad about her being held “captive” for 4 hours and not knowing anyone. We had only met her once before the wedding (the officiant, that is) and had never met her partner. Her partner turned out to be delightful 😉
Post # 11
wow. thought this was a sI guess it’s hard to explain via typing…but no one got a plus one. not even my twin brother who’s in the wedding too. My friend/officiant for the past 5 years has dated guy after guy and they have all ended terribly, like crash and burn. and i have been there for every single one. I just felt that after all that history, that for once I had the right to keep her dating drama out of one day- my wedding. Especially since she has no idea if they’re even officially dating, or if he can even come at all. It was good of her to ask. absolutely.AND she knows most everyone at the wedding, well.
As far as accomdations- she has flown out many times to LA for work herself and I have ALWAYS put her up. And I know she is a lot of drama. lots of crying and up all night talking. WHICH is WHY I asked her to come in on Wed. (which btw- is my bachelorette and I am putting everyone up at the Ritz Carlton downtown LA, including her) she chose to come in 5 days in advance. for her own purposes. not to help me. at all. So I don’t feel like I have to accomodate that choice…. Appreciate everyone’s comments…
Post # 12
@This Time Round: No one got a plus one. we are having a super small wedding. my twin didn’t even get a plus one- he’s single- and flying cross country too and in the wedding. so it would have been weird to give her one so last minute for someone she hardly knows and is a complete stranger to us.
Post # 13
@Nona99: thanks! you’re the only one on here that’s been supportive!!
Post # 14
@fishbone: She chose to come in 5 days early for work. not to help me. to work. knowing that we had the no staying rule. I guess we’ll agree to disagree. I am paying for her and all my girls hotel room on Wed. (when I told her to come in) and we’re all staying at the wedding hotel starting thursday. I just feel like she ignored my request of when to fly in- and I have to pay for it by disregarding a rule my fiance and I both agreed on.
Post # 15
@acdaddy18: You’re asking if you’re being “unreasonable” and yes, given the circumstances most of us here understand you are STRESSED and the timing of your friend isn’t the best. But please realize that most of us are also very sensitive about etiquette so we are going to tell you the following based off of your ORIGINAL POST:
1) being an officiant is a really big deal and an honor and you should help her find lodging.
2) you should have given her a plus one regardless of if she’s single or not as part of the wedding party.
What you failed to mention in your original post was that you’re having a small wedding and you are already putting everyone up a few days before the wedding.
Given the facts that you reposted; then no, you’re not being unreasonable.
Post # 16
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable because you were very up front about everything. No one gets plus ones, so it’s unreasonable for her to get one 17 days before the wedding because she’s seen a guy 3 times. It isn’t unfair to not give someone a plus one when no one else has one. No one is getting plus ones at our wedding either, because it’s a very small family/close friend event.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not offer her a place to stay either, especially since it seems you just want this time to your and your fiance’s self, not because you don’t let her stay with you regularly. It’s a stressful time and although it sucks that her friend is moving, she made the choice to come early and you made it clear no one is staying at your house.
It’s not unreasonable if it’s the same rules you have for everyone else for specific reasons.