Post # 1
Okay I have a friend who married young and is now divorced for the past 8 years. Her husband cheated emotionally with a lady and this ended their marriage after a stint in counseling that was too little too late and uncovered multiple hidden communication problems they were married 17 years.
Anyways, since before I got engaged we have always been able to share our tales of dating woe. Even though this isn’t the only thing we talk about it is one of our main topics along with our jobs and self improvement. Well almost a year ago my friend started an affair with someone at her company who has a long history of multiple infidelities. I sat her down and told her that while I didn’t agree on her starting a relationship with this guy that I was her friend and would not judge her but to keep in mind it may be hard for me to hear about her dating him and I may not give a lot of feedback since i don’t really agree with it.
This brought her to tears and she said how happy she was because she’s never had anyone accept her unconditionally like that, and despite she also knows the affair is wrong she felt it was just something she had to work out i.e. her attraction to unavailable men or believe she doesn’t deserve an available mate. My friend goes back and forth between acknowledging this and stopping the affair, and then longing for this married guy and reengaging in it. She’s disclosed to me that she’s had affairs in the past since her divorce.
The problem is this… I got engaged in October, she’s one of my bridesmaids and during the time leading up to my engagement and a few weeks ago she had an epiphany and had stopped trying to date/ sleep with this man. Somehow after my engagement her relationship fell apart with the guy she was dating who did turn out to be pretty incompatible, and now she’s back to her relationship with this married man. I however as a newly engaged woman have noticed I’m starting to have more and more difficulty listening to her stories of what’s going on with her and this affair.
On one hand I don’t want to take back what i said because it was a true statement and it meant a lot to her, but I’m not sure if I should keep the position because I realize affairs happen all the time and people do cheat, and I know my relationship isn’t in that kind of danger. But her conversations are a constant reminder of how infidelity starts. Should I tell her this is bothering me or just stick to my initial position and work on not feeling weird?…. Any feedback is welcome….thx
Post # 3
You should be honest and tell her how you really feel. That doesnt mean you are judging her but you just arent comfortable with hearing about her being with someone elses husband.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I think you need to be honest with your friend about how conversations re. her relationship with a married man make you feel upset and uncomfortable. Reassure her that you want to be her friend still, and that you would simply like to find other topics for discussion.
Post # 5
To me, honesty one of the most important things in a relationship, so long as it’s asked for. Also, I don’t think it’s judging to tell her that her behaviour hurts you (and more directly all the other women involved). If she asks you for advice or tells you of her exploits, my suggestion would be to tell her you’re nolonger comfortable talking about this. She’ll probably ask you why… you’ll probably have to answer. Ultimately though, if she values your opinion, it might sink in for her.
Post # 6
There’s a good reason why this is all difficult for you to hear, because it is morally wrong. I think as her friend, you might want to remind her of that – in a nice way of course. Just say you’ve done your best to listen as a friend up until now, but it’s getting harder for you to hear. Say you’re worried for her and want her to do whatever is best for her, which you don’t think is continuing the affair.
Post # 7
I couldn’t vote for either one. I don’t think u should judge her by telling her not to talk about it or saying its wrong. As her friend let her know how it makes u feel now that u r going to be married. For example ure fears or insecurity it can make u feel even if it is small. But don’t write her off as a friend or tell her she can’t talk about it. It may be wrong but ppl do things for lots of reasons and ure support may help her see she is better than that and find some one for her own.
Post # 8
@ bells and Love kiss
Thanks ladies thats kind of where i’m leaning too I guess I just felt a little bit like a hyopcrite now… one minute she can talk to me about anything and now i’m saying she can’t but I think you ladies are right…
Post # 9
@ other bees thanks ladies I like what sunnywoods said I don’t want to tell her not to talk about it, because yes i do feel in my heart its morally wrong, but as a friend i want to approach this without making her feel like “less than” she already knows its wrong and that i don’t agree with it i just want some ideas on how to be tactful in telling her and Yes as one poster said she will want to know “why” and i will have to tell her something but again i know there is a tactful way to do this….
Post # 10
Be honest with her. Tell her that you’re not judging her or her choices, but would prefer not to hear any more about this affair.
Post # 12
I don’t know. That is a tough one. If she is expecting you to listen, I would be honest with her. It is not that you do not love her as a friend, it is because you DO love her that you want her to know that you think what she is doing is not good for her. That is tough though.
Post # 13
I think that telling her how you are feeling is probably the best route. It might be helpful for her to NOT have someone close by “enabling” her behavior. Good luck!!
Post # 14
i said “no, don’t take back what you said”, because in essence there’s nothing to take back. you told her that you did not agree, and that you had a hard time discussing it with her, but you wouldn’t judge her for it. that hasn’t changed. you still don’t agree with it, and it’s still hard to hear about it, the only difference is how hard it is to hear about it.
i agree with all other pp’s and tell her honestly that it’s difficult for you to hear about it because you are engaged and looking forward to a monogamous (sp?) marriage with your husband.
i know that it is hard, but i’ve recently had to step back from my own best friend’s relationship issues because i just couldn’t relate. and that’s okay, there is nothing that says you and your friend have to be on the same page. the only think you do owe her is your honesty. there are plenty of other things for you to talk about, and eventually one of three things will happen – she’ll realize that it’s not a healthy situation for her and leave him, they’ll continue the affair, or he’ll realize it’s not a healthy situation for him and leave his wife for her. that’s all. but all three of these outcomes is on them.
sometimes we just need to take a step back from our friends personal issues and let them decide for themselves. we can be there to morally guide them, and hope they listen, but ultimately, she’ll make her own decisions, and really, her decisions about her relationships don’t affect her relationship with you (at this point).
Post # 15
People change and grow as you have. Just as you respected her choice(s) she should respect yours. Tell her how you feel and expect her to respect your position.
By The Way… Darling Husband has a friend that is doing the same thing as your friend. Years ago they thought nothing of womanizing/cheating but now Darling Husband is in a different place and he has had to back away (not completely cut off but not talk as often and steer the topic of conversation away from his affair when they do talk) from this friend because he no longer shares that dating philosophy.