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My friends are clueless I guess. I didn't get gifts or cards from many of them. I was moving from LA to San Francisco, but I am really trying to keep the friendships up. They came to the wedding and gave no card or gift. I really just want a card with a nice sentiment. How can people be so clueless?
I know it's traditional to give gifts, but they're not required. I agree that a card would have been considerate - I'm surprised they didn't at least do that!
That sucks. I feel the same way. I don't care if someone doesn't give a gift, but will be a little hurt if we don't get a card (our wedding was 2+ wks ago and there are still many who've done neither.)
Aw, that sucks. I have to say though, when my friends first started getting married I didn't know about giving a card (I knew about a gift of course!) if I attended the wedding and I didn't give one. Maybe they just honestly don't know?
I can top that! My daughter & SIL got nothing at all from his Mom & Stepfather,his sister (her son was the ringbearer,no less!) , his brother & wife and his Groomsman. I'm shocked myself and more than a little upset,as they all did nothing (to help out or contribute in any way) but show up!
Wow. At least send a card to acknowledge one of the most important days in your life!
People have no tact.
I don't know about this one. I think electronic communication (ie. e-mail, twitter, facebook, text messaging) has become so prevalent that written communication has become a dying art. Your friends probably feel that by sending you an e-mail or another form of electronic communication, that was just as good as a card. If they have acknowledged your day in any way, shape, or form...be thankful. A lot of brides don't even get that. I don't think your friends meant any harm.
@Jamaicabride - how about a friend who talks your ear off about his own wedding, asking for advice, on multiple occasions without mentioning the fact that you got married? I finally asked his mother if he'd received our announcement. Shortly thereafter, I got an email with a short "congrats."
Everyone knows gifts aren't required, but I would never, ever show up to a wedding, or even a dinner party, empty handed, so yeah, I felt a little hurt and disappointed when people didn't give us gifts at the wedding, especially since we had some thing in our registry that were in the $10 range. But I know I can't complain about it, given the etiquette rules.
However, no card or a thoughtful written sentiment is simply rude, and I honestly don't think anyone would disagree with me. I know that often, people who attend weddings consider their presence their gift to the couple, but to not even gift a card just shows that they truly put in no effort, and that really bugs me, especially at weddings, which are huge milestones in people's lives.
One of my BMs didn't get us a gift, or a card, and the lack of a card or even a verbal "congratulations" has irritated me since the wedding. I'm really disappointed and kind of hurt because I went out of my way during all of the planning to make sure they all liked their dresses, even picked all of them up and delivered them, put a lot of thought into a very meaningful and sentimental wedding party gift, etc. She didn't even sign our guestbook or ever express the whole day, "hey, I'm really happy for you guys." I'm not gonna lie, it's hurtful and disappointing. I've seen her on several occasions since the wedding and she has yet to acknowledge it. However, I can't say I expected anything different. She's the kind of person who doesn't even thank people who mail her birthday gifts. Some people just don't have a clue.
@cheerful...you beat them to death with a wet noodle =)
In all honesty though...I wasn't implying that you shouldn't be upset...just providing a different perspective. My perspective was meant for a general wedding guest.
@Chapstick...I am sure that a BM not acknowledging your day was hurtful. If it were me, I would just ask her about it flat out. Who knows what answer you will get, but to me, I would rather ask and know rather than spend my valuable time being irritated about something.
Plus...somoe people have no clue about etiquette in general. They may honestly not know. A BM may think the fact that she IS a BM shows that she is excited about your day. When I was a BM, I didn't sign the guestbook until AFTER the wedding b/c I was too busy fulfilling my BM duties. I totally forgot about it to be perfectly honest. I just want to add a diff. perspective to the conversation....carry on =)
I personally cannot understand how people can go to a wedding and not bring a gift, let alone a card. In my culture, it is just known that you give atleast $100 per person in a card. It essentially covers your plate (venue, food, drinks). So a good portion of the wedding is basically paid for. I would never go to a party empty handed, I think its so disrespectful. Especially when someone is paying so much money for food, drinks, etc. Atleast they could give a card and say congratulations.
Hey Ladies,
I agree with everyone (I'm a huge snail mail fan, I sometimes write letters just for fun) but one thing that I think we're all forgetting is that guests have a few monhts (up to a year?) to send gifts. I'm hoping that they might become a little more in the known in the next few months and you'll get a cute letter out of surprise.
Personally, I feel that a nice note a few weeks after (that recaps the day, the emotions, your friendship) might be a nicer way for a BM to send a card. That way you know its not in the mix with the other 100 or so cards that say "congrats."
Either way a card/gift is a nice gesture if its there early or late... obviously these people don't know how great of a friend they have!
http://www.essortment.com/lifestyle/weddinggifteti_sifa.htm
Where in the Wedding Etiquette literature does it say no gifts? I've never heard that before,so can someone please enlighten me?
Yeah, same frustration here. I'm pretty disappointed. For a few of non-card/gift givers, we even made special accommodations....See this thread for more of the same. :(
I have never heard of the no gift thing or having upto a year to send the gift?? I find that kinda weird. People have known about a wedding for several months but decide to send it upto a year later. It just rubs me the wrong way. I guess its because we don't do it that way-we just give money the day of so I find it weird.
My SO is that clueless. One of his best friends was getting married not long after we were dating. They extended an invitation to me right before the wedding so I didn't know when their wedding was exactly until then. Well he didn't buy them a gift or even a card and didn't think twice about it. When I asked him about it he seemed taken back like he really had no idea he was also having money problems at the time. When you can just pay rent its hard to buy a gift for someone even if you want to. I told him that when he gets the extra cash to buy them something and apologize for not being able to give them a gift at their actual wedding. Better late than never.
We definately give presents late. The better I know someone the more likely I am to give the present late. The reason being is that their registry will be up for awhile and sometimes I just go for that but sometimes it's just looking for a really great gift (which I'm more likely to do if I'm close to the people). So there's always their registry to fall back on if you can't find anything.
Also, perhaps it's rude to not give gifts but I think it means different things to different people. For my family, the sisters sometimes get each other birthday presents and sometimes don't, but it's more making an effort to be there and celebrate with one another. So it doesn't bother me a lick if they get me something or not, but I can see if that's how you express celebrations in your family how it would be offensive to not get gifts.
i mean zero disrespect to anyone here, but i guess maybe i'm the only one that doesn't expect a gift or a card? i will honestly be so happy to get to spend my wedding day in the company of the ones i love, and that's enough for me. i'd much rather have the memory and photos of our day than china or piece of paper. that's not to say i don't buy gifts for my friends that are getting married, i just don't expect a gift/card because i am getting married. again, i really mean no disrespect by saying this.
The thing is, bellamargot, for people to not acknowledge one's wedding with at least a card is tantamount of saying it was as trivial as just any other party one goes to without giving a card. (That said, I always send the host/hostess a thank you note) It lets an occasion as big as a marriage pass by without acknowledgement that yes, indeed, this is special, this is different. That's why we are so hurt.
@JamaicaBride: A wet noodle! I love it!
Bellamargot and anyone else...I'd like to know how your parents would or do feel about this? Maybe the idea is so foreign to me I can't understand it. As a parent,and if I've attended the wedding of a friend or relative's child and given a gift,I certainly expect it to be the same for my child. It's a little different,but compare it to a birthday party. Do you or did you go empty-handed or were your feelings hurt if someone came to your party without a gift? Simplistic,I know,but a wedding is a big event in a person's life,so I don't understand NOT acknowledging it in some way.
We got lots of emails too - and facebook messages and all the other new kind of communication. I think sometimes cards, especially for younger people, just aren't really thought of as much. Why send a card when you can send a facebook virtual balloon to someone (we didn't get one of these luckily). I think some of it is just that people consider them taking the time and effort to come to the celebration as indication that they're happy for you and just are unaware that they're hurtful if they don't send a card too. It's not an excuse but it just that they're a lot of posts about this and so there must be different ways of thinking about it.
It is different than a birthday party and my sisters put a lot more effort into the wedding events and I really wasn't hurt about not getting a card from them. I would have actually been surprised. I was just trying to say a card doesn't mean that much to me while their actions mean a lot to me - but that just seems to be two different views. Someone coming and having fun at my wedding meant a lot more to me than receiving a card. I do understand why people would be upset at not getting any acknowledgement, I'm just trying to explain it from the other side since my family seems to not really care about cards (though we do send them but just find them a bit unnecessary ourselves).
some people don't really care about cards (like me), unless there is something special handwritten in it.
I agree with bellamargot. while I obviously want gifts, I wont be hurt if people don't give them. In all of the weddings I've been to over the last couple of years I've had to plan and travel to make it to the wedding (although I still did bring or send a gift). IMO, it take a lot of effort to attend a wedding. I'll be happy and very appreciative of everyone for just coming to my wedding.
@cheerful- If I'm following your posts right, you eloped and then sent out announcements, and then didn't get cards/gifts from people. Honestly, I don't know that I would send a card or gift in response to a wedding announcement, I'd probably email. But that doesn't mean I care any less about my friend or their marriage.
Yes, we eloped, moved to Italy, and then sent out announcements. We weren't expecting gifts and I honestly don't need/want them. What I really want is some form of acknowledgement. Even the emails we got were pretty casual. The response has followed people's reactions to our engagement. They weren't particularly happy for us; they made many demands; and they really hurt our feelings about many of our wedding plans. Although we wanted to elope, we tried to plan a fifty person wedding for their benefit. We never received any offer to help in any way; instead there was constant sniping. So we eloped on our terms. I had hoped that once we were married, well, maybe it wouldn't have been too much to say "congratulations."
That sucks. That's no card and no effort on their part. I would be hurt too. Weddings bring out weird things in people.
@cheerful, I'd probably wait to tell you in person but not send a gift, card or email in response to your wedding announcements... nothing personal, that's kinda just how I operate.
And if someone doesn't get us something... well, I kind of expect it to happen because all our friends are just graduating college. I know these people pretty well and i doubt some of FI's friends will get us anything!
@cinemaparadiso Would you wait to tell us in person knowing that we've moved to Italy? We won't be back in the US for at least a year. Honestly, I'm curious. I'd love to understand their (silent) reaction.
Ooh, in Italy. Probably not, but I'd call ya! :) Or better yet, come visit you... hehe just kidding
That would really bother me too. I know the rule is up to one year, but in practice, I think that is really rude.
If people travel to the wedding and just don't have the money for a gift, a nice card would be just fine. I think its rude to give nothing. It's the principle of the matter.
This is good perspective. Thanks everyone. I'll get over my but-hurtness. That's a good point about sending thank you notes after dinner parties.
Aaaah!
Some of my BM's didn't give presents, but they bought their dresses and helped me a lot and got their rooms, travelled, etc. That made me feel good.
Lisalulu, I don't know if you noticed the thread I started but I was very frustrated about the same thing. I was very upset that many of our "non gift giving" guests chose to get plasterd on my in laws friday night and at the wedding on Saturday. A card would be nice...just to say congrats! Personally, I'd never go to a wedding and not get a gift. Hello...dollar stores have cards that are 2/1.00! It hurts me that I gave them money for their wedding and they couldnt get us a card. I guess at the next wedding, my husband and I can use it as an excuse to get really drunk, take $25 shots, spill drinks everywhere...and give no gift! (just kidding) I'm sorry that happened...we got married 2 weeks ago and we are now out of the country. Hopefully when we return, we will have more gifts...I wont hold my breath!
It's a bummer when you don't have tangible evidence that people care...
I thought I was closer to my uncle and family but they didn't even send me anything.
It stings a little but in the same breath - it's not really the reason you ask them to join you on your day!
It's funny how you will always remember who DIDN'T give you a card/gift but you'll have to look up who did give you one.
Bigger picture - YOU'RE MARRIED! Yahoo!
Ms. Read Head: heheh the bride always remembers and maybe her mother too.
My grandmother wouldn't let me invite these close friends of hers because she remembers what they gave to my mother when she got married. She said six people came and they gave (some little under $50 present) that!?!?!? She's 90. That was 37 years ago and she still remembers! But 37 years later, they're still friends. Go figure. I had a destination wedding so they weren't hurt to not get an invite.
Cheerful, that's true. People are responding more to the negative post than the positive one!
Either way, I think everything was a success. I have nicer things in my home than I could ever have dreamed of! I checked my registries to make sure that inexpensive things are on there in case my friends end up buying me something later. Only my younger cash strapped friends didn't get something pretty much. Travelling for the wedding may have been all they could afford really. Maybe the $2.50 napkin rings that I LOVE from BB&Beyond will get purchased for me within the year. That would be great.
Or maybe I'll get a cool card in the mail later.
Who knows.
But Ms. Read Head, I am married.
LOL! Your grandmother still remembers who gave what? Maybe it's going to take longer for me to get over this than I had hoped!
The rule for most is that guests should cover at least what their meal costs! jeez, so rude!
It just really bothers me that you are invited to a wedding and you show up with nothing plus your friend was invited last minute. I understand on gifts. I am not expecting that but not even a card. NOT EVEN A CARD.
Then this guest had the nerve to send me pictures of her and her friend at my wedding. WHO CARES????? UGHHH..I am really trying hard to take the high road with this particular guest but it is hard....
I also do not expect a card or gift. I just don't care- if you come to my wedding, your presence is gift enough for us! Having all of our closest friends and family in one room is an amazing gift, the one that means the most to me. Besides, a lot of time and money goes into attending a wedding, especially if you don't live nearby. You need an outfit, a place to stay, gas money, money for food, and that really adds up. My friends and I have never exchanged gifts of any kind, so why should the wedding be any different? We drive hours to see each other, buy each other expensive dinners/lunches, and I think that works out nicely. And I personally hate giving cards- they just don't carry any weight/meaning to me, I feel like it's such a cop-out to just give a card and say ok I'm done- I'd rather take someone out to lunch!
And on a random unrelated note (not directed at the poster!) I personally think it's pretty tacky to think "well, I spent $120 on his/her plate of food, and they didn't get me a gift/card?! THE NERVE!!!" It irritates me so much that I'm being held back from inviting people to my wedding that I'd love to extend an invitation to because they're wonderful company, because people say "oh it will just look like you want a gift, because they probably won't be able to make it" NO, I don't want a freakin' gift, I don't want a thing, I just want to invite the people that I like! But all this gift etiquette crap has ruined the idea of a marriage celebration! It disgusts me to some degree.
Also, I think it's a bit ridiculous to say that not giving recognition to a wedding in addition to attending (or even, not attending) is tantamount to treating the occasion as trivial. I don't expect people to care about my wedding. Those that are really close to me, will care, but I certainly am not going to stamp my feet and say "whyyyy does no one care about MY WEDDNG??!" So you're getting married, that's wonderful, awesome, but in the greater scheme of things, that's between you and your significant other- don't just expect people to get excited/thrilled/all up in arms for you hah. Some people just treat it like any other thing- a birthday, a graduation, etc. It is just an occasion after all, and a lot of people just don't view it as the hugely life changing event that some other people do.
This isn't meant to offend anyone, everyone is different about this situation. I personally give gifts at weddings when I've been to them (but I've only been to 4). These people were very close to us, so we got them lovely gifts. We don't see them often, so we couldn't spend the time with them that we wanted to, so we chose to do something for them because we felt like it. None of these people registered. But the one wedding I went to where I knew the bride and groom where actively hoping for and looking out for gifts (3 registries for them total)- it really rubbed me the wrong way. It tarnished their wedding for me- it felt like it was less about spending time with those they care about and more about how well they could stock their new house.
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