Post # 1
Do you and your Fiance have all mutual friends or do you spend most of your time with your friends solo?
Fiance and I are having an argument over this. Less of an argument and more of I think there’s some disparity on this.
Basically, I am never invited when he is hanging out with friends. First of all, virtually all of his friends are female, which I’m actually okay with now. And he hardly ever spends time with them, so that’s not really the issue. Now that we are getting married next summer he is trying to connect more with his friends. He went out to dinner with a female friend last week and I was fine with that. Another female friend from college wants him to visit her sometime. Again, in theory I’m cool with this. The thing is she lives in CT and we live in MA. So it would be a 2 hour and 15 minute drive sans traffic each way. When I ask if I’m invited, FI’s response is that he doesn’t see these people enough to bring me with him, that it would be inappropriate. Although I feel like because of the distance, he will probably continue to see them infrequently enough that it will always be the case.
Most of my friends are local and I usually bring him with me when I hang out with them unless he is working. If we go out to eat he comes and obviously when my friends come over to his apartment he is there. Also, I have a friend (male) from NY who I’ve only seen sporadically and when he visited me when I was in college FI (who was Boyfriend or Best Friend at the time) spent the whole time with us.
I’m basically just wondering should you be expected to come with your fiance if you’re a couple? If it’s over a certain distance away? I really don’t want to act unreasonable. I mean I have a friend in Virginia I assume if I say I’m going to drive the 10 or 12 hours to see her and not bring my Fiance that would be unreasonable.
Post # 3
@Cem0930: My future husband always invites me to hang out with him and his friends. It doesn’t matter the distance, I go where my husband goes, mainly because he believes that we are a pair.
Post # 4
he doesn’t see these people enough to bring me with him, that it would be inappropriate
That’s crazy. I’m sorry. I know every couple’s social lives/expectations are different. But he doesn’t see them enough to bring you? I don’t even know what that means. You’re a part of his life. There is nothing wrong with you seeing his friends. You’re his Fiance for God’s sake! What does he think you’ll do? Scream profanities and soil yourself? I have no problem with someone NOT hanging out with their partner’s friends, but I do have a problem with an excuse like that. And why can’t you get to know these ladies? I’ve met my guys friends and some of us are really good friends now. And he can’t even say that him bringing you would blindside them because all he has to do is call them and say, “Hey, I’m bringing my Fiance. I want you guys to meet. You cool with that?” Bam. No surprises. SOrry if I’m coming across as harsh. That sentence just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Do you want to meet them? Have you ever meet them?
Post # 5
@Cem0930: I think it’s a little strange. If my hubby were traveling I think it’s automatically thought that I would go. Really that I would go to anything other than a guys night out or something. And vice versa.
Post # 6
FI’s response is that he doesn’t see these people enough to bring me with him, that it would be inappropriate.
Personally, I would have a problem with this. You are his future wife and a big part of his life. That sentnce doesn’t sit well with me. I have different friend groups and if my SO is availble he coes with me to visit and I introduce him, what’s so hard about that?
Post # 7
It might be weird for him to bring you to see a friend whom he never sees, so I can understand that… but it’d be good if you could at least meet these people and get to know them a little bit.
Personally, I like to hang out with my friends without my fiance most of the time. I just like my time with them. And speaking from experience, a close friend of mine whom I rarely got to see ALWAYS had her boyfriend ( now fiance) with her when we got together, and it was really irritating. She acted differently around him, and I basically felt like I was in the way of their cutesy, obnoxious petting. I wished so much that when I was there to see her, I could see HER, and not have her boyfriend tagging along everywhere with us the whole time.
Post # 8
Thanks for your feedback guys!
Especially for making me feel like I’m not totally crazy and irrational. The friend in question in CT is likely going to be a part of the bridal party and I’ve actually hung out with her once by myself in college a few years back but I think if she’s going to be in the bridal party it would be nice for me to get to know her.
I think Fiance feels like if a friend says you and I should hang out (as in him and his friend) that I’m not really invited and it would be rude and awkward for me to come too.
Post # 9
I am always invited with him and his friends, but I usually only schedule my friends get togethers while Fiance is at work. But that’s only because he’s usually really uncomfortable around them.
Post # 10
@Cem0930: I’m a little late, but it’s unreasonable that he won’t take you!!! I don’t know your circumstances but that sounds shady to me.
Post # 11
Personally when I see a Grown man with a majority of friends being female, I see a red flag.
I totally agree with what you are feeling and the bees had some great points.
Post # 12
I know my Fiance has female friends that visit him when he is working, or email him on FB…however, I don’t feel comfortable with him going to see women on his own. Either we do couple stuff…or I get invited…otherwise it’s too much like “dating.” I would never tell him “he couldn’t” (and be one of THOSE women) but I’ve let him know I’m not so happy with it. The rest is up to him.
Call me insecure, but I don’t think it’s appropriate. When you get married or engaged, the dynamics of certain friendships need to change. I would never go out with a single male friend. Maybe I’m old-fashioned that way.
I’m not talking about bumping into somebody at Starbucks and having a coffee spur of the moment. I’m talking about calling each other and making plans to meet…that kind of thing.
As for his male friends…he invites me sometimes, but I like him to have his “man time.”
Post # 13
We usually hang out together with both of our groups of friends unless its a specific gender hang out time like girl’s trips or man day. There are some circumstances where I might hang out with a guy friend solo but those specific guys are like unics to me and pose no threat to our relationship. And my Fiance has a couple of female friends that are the same way.
Anytime we hang out with friends, the invite is always extended to the other.
I personally see some red flags in this situation. Why wouldn’t he want to take you around his friends? Especially one who will be a part of your bridal party!! I’m not saying he has something to hide or that you have to be invited each time but I think you should sit down and have a conversation regarding why and so that you can voice your concerns with the situation. There is no reason he shouldn’t be taking you to hang out with his friends.
Post # 14
@Cem0930: Well, it would be rude and awkward only if the friend made a statement like that and he just showed up with you. But it’s absolutely fine if during that same conversation he says, “Hey, that’s great. Mind if I bring my FI? I’d love for you guys to meet. You’d love her.”
It sounds like a cop out and together with the rest is very shady. Because there is absolutely NO reason why during those conversations he can’t ask if you can come as well. Or ever call later to ask. The fact that he’s making it seems like it’s all out of his control is BS. I’d talk to him and get a reason why