Post # 1
So this is my second post and if you read my first you might think “Wow! This girl has some issues going on!” but really I don’t. It’s not as bad as it seems 😉 Anyways, I am also a frequent poster since about 4 years ago. This is not my first time on wedding bee. I just remember how helpful you girls are =)
On to my issue. I have a friend, Tess, and she is quite….hmmm lets say dominate. Very confident, very sure of herself, almost (not quite) narcassistic. But to her defense she is a very reliable, fun friend. I do tend to keep my distance because she can be a little too much sometimes. Her and her husband John have what seems to be a “good” marriage. Since she is so very logical and rational it seems like she would be the perfect wife. John on the other hand is a very nice, respectful guy but comes off as very passive compared to her. Tess seems to wear the pants. John seems to worship the ground she walks on to an extent. Tess has also announced on a few occasions how she just isnt interested in sex and she and john have went 6 months without it. Personally I thought that was just weird. They really only did it to reproduce. She even has admitted that she is guilty of being somewhat emotionally abusive to John. Referring to him like a dog. For instance actually saying “Good Boy!!” when he did something right. The last time we hung out she even went as far as to say she thinks John is “small” (if you know what I mean). I could never imagine talking to or about my husband like that or him putting up with me doing that. So lately I have kept my distance.
At the same time these are things John as done to me:
Tess just recently had a baby and I went and saw her and the new baby at the hospital. While I was in the hospital room John said that he was going take a shower but would leave the door unlocked if I wanted to join him. He said this very openly infront of his wife. I laughed along and didn’t respond too much.
One night Tess had a 31 bag party at her moms house and John was there hanging out in the basement while we all were up stairs. I drove with a friend and we took my car. On my way out John kept asking me if I wanted him to take me home. Tess drove seperately so I knew it would just be John taking me home. I told him no its okay but he kept asking. I finally said that I brought our friend and I had my car. He said “Oh….ok” He said this aloud to. Tess didnt say anything but for some reason I felt an uneasyness from her.
Then when I was pregnant he would tell me quite a few times what a gorgeous pregnant women I am. He said this infront of Tess too. I know if my husband called another women gorgeous infront of me it would hurt me tremendously. I just cant wrap my head around this.
John has never said these things infront of my husband. Him and my husband are friends and have done lunch dates and whatnot. My husband likes him alot. I don’t want to damage their friendship but I want to know if I am looking more into this then what it is. What do you think I should do? Or what I should think??
Post # 2
EllasGrace20: Um, when did he hit on you?
Nothing he did or said amounted to hitting on you, particularly since he did and said everything in front of his wife. The comment about joining him in the shower was a bit off-color but harmless. Offering you a ride home or paying you a compliment is not hitting on you. Has it ever occured to you that John is trying to make his wife jealous? Are you trying to make your husband jealous?
Dont stir up drama. If you are getting a creeper vibe from John then distance yourself. Make it clear you are not open or receptive to his advances. If he ever comes out and properly propositions you then shut him down hard and tell him if it EVER happens again you will tell his wife and your husband.
Post # 3
So you think this is normal man behaviour? I just don’t. I think it crosses a line. Why and how would I be making my husband jealous??? We have a relationship where we wouldnt say these things to another person. We are commited to just one another. Everything John has done is things my husband just wouldn’t. Period.
Post # 4
Zhabeego: Agree. Don’t really see anything here that screams “hitting on me.” He seems like he might just be a little socially awkward and makes some off-color comments and/or doesn’t know when to drop something. Plus, I usually land in the camp of “cheating is anything you do or say to someone one-on-one that you wouldn’t do/say in front of your SO.”
Post # 5
The thing is, is that I am worried that since Tess can be abusive that he is trying to get at her. I wonder how far he would go?
Post # 6
Yes! Tell your husband! Be honest with him! I know my husband would want me to be honest with him about that. It’s not like you have anything to hide. I would venture to say your friends marriage is far from “good”.
Post # 7
EllasGrace20: It’s normal behavior for some men.
It’s okay you don’t like it but I don’t see where he has come anywhere close to hitting on you. At worst he’s maybe been a little flirty and lots of people, even those in relationships, are. Most of the time, it’s completely harmless, sometimes its not.
If it’s the latter in your situation, you can easily handle this without making it into a huge thing.
Post # 8
EllasGrace20: and that is great for you and your husband. But clearly other people think differently.
I personally see nothing wrong with what he said. Nothing he said would qualify as hitting on you. He isn’t your husband so you get no say in how he conducts himself.
Post # 9
I fail to see how you’re being hit on.. John sounds like he has a perverse sense of humor.
I’d think if he were actually hitting on you, he’d do it out of earshot of his wife. If you don’t like his creepy comments, distance yourself. This is hardly worth starting drama over.
Post # 10
What exactly would you tell your husband? what a shitty relationship Tess and her husband have? I agree with pps don’t create an issue here.
Post # 11
MrsWoods47: If the OP wants to tell her husband some of John’s behavior makes her uncomfortable and she would like to keep her distance, okay – but accusing him of hitting on her when he hasn’t is over the top and unfair. Frankly, I think she would risk looking foolish to her husband if she gives these examples as being hit on.
Post # 12
I might mention to your husband that some of his comments have made you uncomfortable, but I wouldn’t say he is “hitting on you”.
Some people just act differently. Just because YOUR husband would never act that way doesn’t mean someone else’s husband also doesn’t… it might be perfectly normal for them and just a part of their behavior.
Post # 14
FI’s dad has said WAY more inappropriate things to me in front of his wife, son, whole family! I never took it as he was hitting on me, because he isn’t. He’s just wildly inappropriate and thinks sex jokes are the highest form of humor.
If you don’t like it, don’t hang out with this couple. I know I don’t like it when FFIL says weird/creepy stuff, but unfortunately, I’m stuck with him for the rest of his life.
Post # 16
Just sounds like he was talking to you…