Post # 1
So one thing I have realized during my wedding plans is that there are at least 3 different kinds of invited guests. Those who CANNOT WAIT and are so excited to spend your special day with you and tell you this whenever you see them (I like these people the most by the way….lol), those who are very happy for you and are sure they will have a good time at the wedding but maybe sort of wish it wasn’t going to eat up a summer weekend when they could be doing something else (that’s fair), and those that completely and utterly disappoint you with their apathy or failure to come through and be a true friend (hopefully there aren’t too many of these).
To be completely fair, I understand that not everyone likes weddings. Not everyone thinks they are that important. And for some people, jealousy plays a factor. I get it. But here is the thing. I am the one getting married, I like weddings, it is important to me, and it is important that I share it with my loved ones.
Several months ago I asked a close friend of mine who had recently moved to another town (approx 2hrs away) if she would do a reading at my wedding. She said that she would love to. Soon after she realized that her new boyfriend’s best friend’s little brother (yup that far removed) was getting married on the same day. She lamented the fact that she couldn’t attend both as she would love to be at both and see her boyfriend’s family, but ultimately there was no question that she was attending mine. A few months later I reminded her she had to be at the rehearsal the day before the wedding since she is doing a reading….and she had completely forgotten that I had asked her but was still up for the task.
Today, just 12 sleeps before my wedding, she EMAILS me and asks how upset I would be if she came to the ceremony but then left afterward to drive 5hrs to the reception and dance for the other wedding. We are close friends and were roommates for about a year and have known eachother about 6 or 7 years. Many of our other mutual friends will be at the wedding AND I even gave her a plus one so she could bring a close girlfriend from work. She’s met the people at the other wedding ONCE last year. She’s passing it off as worrying about disappointing the other couple and his family…..but I truly know it is because she wants a free pass to get out of my reception and go hang out with her boyfriend and his friends. She has trust issues (even though her boyfriend is not that kind of guy) and I feel like even if she came to my wedding she’d just act miserable the whole time and just keep texting him and stressing about why he isn’t texting back. It’s just awful and so childish. She is an adult and needs to make an adult decision and not put that on me. I am in a lose / lose situation. If I tell her I’ll be upset if she doesn’t stay, she will stay but I will know deep down that she’s not happy to be there. If I tell her it’s all good, then she can say “well I asked her and she was fine with it”. I actually would have preferred (although would have still been upset), if she just said flat out that she wasn’t coming and the real reason why instead of a long string of excuses. To put it in perspective, this is not the first time that she has done or said something to disappoint me this way, so it’s sort of like the nail in the coffin for me.
Anyway, I want to email her back and nicely suggest that I get the other reader to cover her portion of the reading and perhaps she should just go to the other wedding so that it is easier in terms of travel and trying to “please everyone”, as she insists this is the reason why. Is this reasonable? Would I come off petty if I told her to write the whole thing off? It would be different if she was attending the wedding, dinner, and part of the dancing then taking off to a different reception….but she’s basically staying to do her reading and then bolting. I honestly think it is a huge honour to be asked to be part of someone’s wedding so I am having a lot of trouble even wanting her to be part of the ceremony anymore if she’s just going to take off.
Post # 3
@letsdothis2013: I agree with what to you plan to say. I think you should offer her the chance to back out. I honestly think she wouldn’t go to your cereomy except you asked her to read at it. And if I’m right, that means she’s making the boyfriend’s friend’s little brother or whatever a bigger priority. Which means you shouldn’t make her a big priority either.
Post # 4
@Apple_Blossom: That’s how I feel. And I really resent the fact that she’s not just being a grown up and making the decision but trying to get me to make the decision. Definitely comes off as just wanting a “free pass” by asking me and therefore it would somehow make it OK. At this point whether she comes or does not come I am going to still feel like this…..ugh.
Post # 5
“I’m very disappointed of course that you would miss my wedding reception, but if you feel it’s more important to attend boyfriend’s best friend’s brother’s wedding I can ask Reader 2 to cover your reading so you are not running between two weddings and do not have a chance to spend much time at either. Please let me know by X date what you are doing, whether you are attending my wedding and giving the reading or boyfriend’s best friend’s brother’s wedding, so I can tell the caterer and print the programs.”
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
I would give her an out. Sorry 🙁
Post # 7
i’m so sorry . i completely understand…some of my closest friends haven’t been so excited about my coming wedding…i undersatnd that like you said some people don’t like weddings…etc. but this is a really big deal (the situation you put out)
i hate to say it but let her go. let her go out of your wedding and consider letting her go out of your life. this is the biggest day of your life and if she is letting her trust issues/interest going to the other wedding it says a lot about how she views the friendship. i wouldn’t beg her to stay . i wouldn’t beg her to read. Let her go and continue the life with your husband with supporting and loving people
Post # 8
Im so sorry! I agree with everyone else, give her the out. If it was me I wouldn’t want her there. Depending on the friendship, I would probably let her know my true feelings!
Post # 9
I think you’re being way too harsh. Your friend is in a tough position of having to be in two places at once, and seems to be trying to keep everyone happy. No matter what she does, someone is going to be disappointed, and she’s willing to put herself through a 5-hour drive (after however much driving it takes to get to your wedding in the first place) to try and make the best of it. She may have only met this other couple once but you have no idea how important they are to her boyfriend, and if the roles were reversed, and it was someone unfamiliar to you but very important to your fiancé getting married, on the same day as your close friend, you might try to find a similar compromise. Don’t kneejerk into being hurt and angry or accusing her of not being an adult, because honestly it seems like she IS trying to be an adult, by honoring her commitment to you and trying to do what’s important to her boyfriend too.
I don’t think it’s wrong of you to offer her an out, and let her choose if the other reader should cover, but I think that conversation needs to happen on the phone. There’s no way to word an email that doesn’t risk misinterpretation, and too many chances to get everyone’s feelings hurt. And I think you have to give her the benefit of the doubt, and respect that she’s willing to drive 5+ hours just to keep her commitment to you. If she was just trying to blow you off so she could go hang with her boyfriend, she would have simply backed out of her reading. A 5-hour drive isn’t something you do just for the sake of partying with your new friends.
Post # 11
@letsdothis2013: I’m so sorry she dumped her problems on you! Doesn’t it suck how weddings bring out who’s really your friend and who’s not (or can’t deal with their own issues for your sake for one day)? *hugs* You are doing the right thing, I agree with the PPs. You are definitely the bigger person here. I would even go so far as to say, if you want to just for the sake of knowing, you could gently let her go. You don’t need to worry about her deciding what she’s going to do during your last weeks of planning. Good luck and also congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
Post # 12
Id be so annoyed and let down that id email back and say “dont bother coming at all”
but then id regret it haha so id say what u are thinking of saying. im sorry shes been like this
🙁 id never miss a best friends wedding for a wedding of someone not half as close to me.
weddings really bring out peoples true colours and shows you who your real friends are, from my experience!
Post # 13
Thanks everyone so much for your support! I am glad you are echoing my feelings and offering some suggestions and advice.
@fishbone: Just to clarify, I understand your point of view, but she has known for a year what my wedding date was and has known for at least 10 months that there was a conflict. Her boyfriend is actually very supportive and had never expected her to go with him (he actually even said in the beginning that if it was really important to her HE would come to MINE with her….). I definitely understand that it is a hard decision, but the fact that I asked her to read and be a part of my wedding 9 months ago and that she waited until 12 days before my wedding and less than a week away from my Bachelorette party to tell me this has be feeling very hurt.
Post # 14
@letsdothis2013: I agree with what you plan to say in response and I think you have to take the high road here, but also let it lie and not make a big deal – just be nicely matter of fact because you really don’t need that crap.
Weddings are truly a lesson in people disappointing you. People want to do what they want. Sorry but you’re basically discovering in her what Brides who have been there already know. I was extremely let down by most of our wedding party and there are non stop posts about bad bridesmaids, usually stemming around people trying to do what they want instead of just going along with your day.
This girl wants to be with her new boyfriend – let her and let it go. I know it sucks, but it’s really not worth the energy.
Hope you have a lovely wedding day! 🙂
Post # 15
@letsdothis2013: First, I would just tell her that you would like her to enjoy her time at the other wedding, so if she feels she cannot make it then give her that option to find a way out. If she can make it though by all means let her please.
Second, I love the fact that you say, “In 12 sleeps…” we have done that in our family my whole life. “2 more sleeps!” Sorry. Just found it cute and had to comment 🙂
Post # 16
I would definitely give her and out for this. It’s not fair and she should feel honoured that you even asked her, but it seems to me like she just doesn’t want to do this. She probably felt pressured because she sounds like a people pleaser and didn’t want to say no.
But I think what you have planned to say is perfectly okay. Just word it nice and don’t make too big of a deal about it. Yes it is terrible that she couldn’t come to you and felt the need to kind of beat around the bush, so to speak. But at least you now have the chance to have someone do a reading who wants to be there and will feel honoured.