Friends letting you down

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@letsdothis2013:  I agree with what to you plan to say.  I think you should offer her the chance to back out.  I honestly think she wouldn’t go to your cereomy except you asked her to read at it.  And if I’m right, that means she’s making the boyfriend’s friend’s little brother or whatever a bigger priority.  Which means you shouldn’t make her a big priority either.

Post # 5
Member
3476 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

“I’m very disappointed of course that you would miss my wedding reception, but if you feel it’s more important to attend boyfriend’s best friend’s brother’s wedding I can ask Reader 2 to cover your reading so you are not running between two weddings and do not have a chance to spend much time at either.  Please let me know by X date what you are doing, whether you are attending my wedding and giving the reading or boyfriend’s best friend’s brother’s wedding, so I can tell the caterer and print the programs.”

Post # 6
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I would give her an out. Sorry 🙁

Post # 7
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

i’m so sorry . i completely understand…some of my closest friends haven’t been so excited about my coming wedding…i undersatnd that like you said some people don’t like weddings…etc. but this is a really big deal (the situation you put out)

i hate to say it but let her go. let her go out of your wedding and consider letting her go out of your life. this is the biggest day of your life and if she is letting her trust issues/interest going to the other wedding it says a lot about how she views the friendship. i wouldn’t beg her to stay . i wouldn’t beg her to read. Let her go and continue the life with your husband with supporting and loving people

 

good luck

Post # 8
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Im so sorry! I agree with everyone else, give her the out. If it was me I wouldn’t want her there. Depending on the friendship, I would probably let her know my true feelings!

Post # 9
Member
3889 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you’re being way too harsh. Your friend is in a tough position of having to be in two places at once, and seems to be trying to keep everyone happy. No matter what she does, someone is going to be disappointed, and she’s willing to put herself through a 5-hour drive (after however much driving it takes to get to your wedding in the first place) to try and make the best of it. She may have only met this other couple once but you have no idea how important they are to her boyfriend, and if the roles were reversed, and it was someone unfamiliar to you but very important to your fiancé getting married, on the same day as your close friend, you might try to find a similar compromise. Don’t kneejerk into being hurt and angry or accusing her of not being an adult, because honestly it seems like she IS trying to be an adult, by honoring her commitment to you and trying to do what’s important to her boyfriend too.

I don’t think it’s wrong of you to offer her an out, and let her choose if the other reader should cover, but I think that conversation needs to happen on the phone. There’s no way to word an email that doesn’t risk misinterpretation, and too many chances to get everyone’s feelings hurt. And I think you have to give her the benefit of the doubt, and respect that she’s willing to drive 5+ hours just to keep her commitment to you. If she was just trying to blow you off so she could go hang with her boyfriend, she would have simply backed out of her reading. A 5-hour drive isn’t something you do just for the sake of partying with your new friends.

Post # 11
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@letsdothis2013:  I’m so sorry she dumped her problems on you! Doesn’t it suck how weddings bring out who’s really your friend and who’s not (or can’t deal with their own issues for your sake for one day)? *hugs* You are doing the right thing, I agree with the PPs. You are definitely the bigger person here. I would even go so far as to say, if you want to just for the sake of knowing, you could gently let her go. You don’t need to worry about her deciding what she’s going to do during your last weeks of planning. Good luck and also congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

Post # 12
Member
2059 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@letsdothis2013:  

Id be so annoyed and let down that id email back and say “dont bother coming at all”

but then id regret it haha so id say what u are thinking of saying. im sorry shes been like this

🙁 id never miss a best friends wedding for a wedding of someone not half as close to me.

weddings really bring out peoples true colours and shows you who your real friends are, from my experience!

 

Post # 14
Member
2325 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@letsdothis2013:  I agree with what you plan to say in response and I think you have to take the high road here, but also let it lie and not make a big deal – just be nicely matter of fact because you really don’t need that crap.

Weddings are truly a lesson in people disappointing you. People want to do what they want. Sorry but you’re basically discovering in her what Brides who have been there already know. I was extremely let down by most of our wedding party and there are non stop posts about bad bridesmaids, usually stemming around people trying to do what they want instead of just going along with your day.

This girl wants to be with her new boyfriend – let her and let it go. I know it sucks, but it’s really not worth the energy.

Hope you have a lovely wedding day! 🙂

Post # 15
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@letsdothis2013:  First, I would just tell her that you would like her to enjoy her time at the other wedding, so if she feels she cannot make it then give her that option to find a way out. If she can make it though by all means let her please.

Second, I love the fact that you say, “In 12 sleeps…” we have done that in our family my whole life. “2 more sleeps!” Sorry. Just found it cute and had to comment 🙂

Post # 16
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

I would definitely give her and out for this. It’s not fair and she should feel honoured that you even asked her, but it seems to me like she just doesn’t want to do this. She probably felt pressured because she sounds like a people pleaser and didn’t want to say no.

But I think what you have planned to say is perfectly okay. Just word it nice and don’t make too big of a deal about it. Yes it is terrible that she couldn’t come to you and felt the need to kind of beat around the bush, so to speak. But at least you now have the chance to have someone do a reading who wants to be there and will feel honoured.

 

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