Friends want to hang out too often

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 4
42089 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@vortex:  “Sorry, would love to join you but I have a previous commitment. My job and my school prevent me from seeing you as often as I would like. I can’t wait until I finish school so I can see all my friends more often.|

Post # 5
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

@vortex:  They are done school so they are bored with their own lives.

Seriously?!? People that strive to maintain close relationships aren’t bored in their own lives, they are trying to include you in what is likely their very busy lives. Just because people make time for you doesn’t mean they have nothing better to do.

If you feel that spending time with these friends is a burden then you need to be honest with them. Clearly you do not value their time nor the time you spend with them above other things. I get it you are busy, believe me I get it very much, but if taking time to continue to build a relationship with these people every couple weeks is chore don’t waste your time or theirs. It sounds like you are more interested in acquantenances right now than friendships.

Post # 6
6786 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

They text you every few weeks and that’s too much? I keep in constant contact with all of my friends. I can’t even imagine turning my nose up at invites to hang out. Actually, while I was working 40 hours a week and a full time master’s student I still hung out with my best friends 3-4 times a week, no joke. Also, they weren’t in school and they definitely weren’t “bored with their lives.” They just wanted me in their lives. Your friends are trying to include you, but I do see why they only text you once every few weeks…

Post # 7
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I see my friends about once a month and that works for us. Like you said, we are all busy but I still want to maintain my friendships. We text on a weekly basis (but definitely not daily) and that helps to keep each other up to date in between visits. We never had to sit down and discuss this arrangement, it just worked out.

I suggest you just tell them that once per month works for you. If you decline enough times, I’m sure they will stop asking.

Post # 8
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

I’ve been in your shoes.  Yell

I’m 30 and JUST graduated with my BA in Anthropology from a top university.  I paid for it my own way, and when I didn’t get into my dream school out of HS I went to the community college located in the same city and I’m proud of that.

I totally get where you are coming from.  Work and all the hooplah that goes into that, school which is WHAT YOU PUT INTO IT unless you want to fail or it comes naturally to you, study 24/7 and then OH yeah put a SO and 2 dogs into the mix.  ….And then try and have a social life WHAT THE WHAT?!?

It’s like this..try and make time for them when you can.  I would have some weeks where I was able to attend 1-2 social engagements.  I would go out and party, say ‘I really needed this!!’ which is the darn truth…and sometime during the hang out I’d say…listen, I might be MIA the next week or so because I have a midterm/test/paper coming up.  And there you have it.

Unless you have friends that didn’t go to college or finish college (and where I’m from there are a lot, heck, I’m the first of my family to go to college), most are understanding.  

Just say “Please keep me the loop because I LOVE hanging out and until I’ll keep in touch and let you know if I can’t chill”.  And leave it at that.  It gives you the power to pick and choose your hang outs while still being in the loop.

WARNING:  I’d be remissed if I didn’t mention this!!!  I’m 30 and not married, no kids, it’s just me and Mr VB and our two dogs.  Some nights are friggin’ loney if Mr VB works late.  My one GF who’s been single for YEARS is now in a relationship and is more unavailable.  Another friend went back to school and is unavailable…and as I hang out with certain people I can see how I’ve missed out on fun bdays/social dramas/hang outs and I have to play catch up.  At the time I was all ‘screw this I’ll have time for it later’….but missing out on life is apart of the process of going back to school and the better you handle it, the better your friends will be at keeping you in the loop with what’s going on in life.  Otherwise, you are in danger of becoming ‘that girl’ who keeps in touch of old friends WHEN SHE IS INCLUDED and is stuck making new friends.  (for example…I was COMPLETELY not invited to my friend from middle school’s baby shower…um?!?!? cue hurt feelings)



You are right where you should be in life.  Hang in there, keep up the good work, and GOOD LUCK!!

Post # 9
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

If twice a month is too much for you, you could always say that you can only manage once a month!

Post # 10
6674 posts
Bee Keeper

I think it can be unfair of adults who tend to define a friendship in terms of the frequency that you see one another.  When you are in school together, living in the same town and unattached or not as pressured with work, school or immediate family obligations friendships are more of a day to day thing.  

Not so as you get older. The very closest of  relationships will last, and can withstand periods of time where you can’t get together as regularly.  Others will fall by the wayside. If these friends are important to you, or at least important enough to maintain some kind of relationship, I’d tell them how frustrating it is to be so busy that it’s difficult to get together regularly and reach out to them from time to time, proactively.  

Another thought is that you and your friends may not be on the same page in terms of time spent with the families.  At your age, I certainly didn’t attend monthly social events at the home of BF’s family.  Are there cultural differences or family circumstances that your friends don’t understand? 

Post # 15
687 posts
Busy bee

It seems like if you weren’t feeling so frazzled and overextended, you wouldn’t feel so much of this resentment toward your friends. 

I get it. I’m really busy with work and school too and I get exhausted just thinking about socializing on top of that. 

However, you also have to keep in mind that your friends aren’t asking for that much when you think about it. They’re not trying to be assholes, they just want to spend time with you!

Can you make plans to hang out with them at the same time, maybe? Can you skip some of these family social events? I don’t really think it’s fair to celebrate autumn festival 3x with your boyfriend’s family but then get annoyed when your friends want to see you once a month. If that cuts out too much time with your boyfriend, then maybe HE can skip a few family events too and you guys can spend some alone time together instead.

Post # 16
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Be happy they are contacting you at all. One day they’ll stop, and you’ll wish they included you again.

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