Post # 1
I’m a regular bee but I don’t want to link this issue to my real account that has pictures, sorry.
My friend S is getting married this year at a destination wedding in Cuba. I was really excited for her and gave her all of my wedding books and offered to help any way I could. S and I have been friends for about 8 years and we also have a friend named L that has been in our little group of 3 for the entire time too.
The problem is that S and L are starting to seem like crappy friends and I’m not sure if I should go to S’s destination wedding or not.
S and I have been closer than I am with L because L often causes a lot of drama and gets really snotty whenever she doesnt get her way. But when I was planning my wedding (which these two girls were bridesmaids in) they started to kind of cut me out of the group and started doing a lot of things just the two of them. It really hurt my feelings and so I decided to talk to them calmly and let them know that I felt hurt about being excluded. They decided to step down from my wedding and things have been kind of weird since.
I’ve made a huge effort to repair the friendship (even though I wasn’t the one who ruined it) and I thought S and I were really close again. I was a little hurt when I found out that S wasn’t going to have me in her wedding but I obviously kept that to myself and keep happily offering to help her or lend her anything from my own wedding. Now I’m hurt again because it seems S and L are back to doing their own thing without me and I feel like an idiot for thinking that these people are my friends.
I guess I want really badly for things to go back to normal, where the three of us hang out all the time. It really hurts though to see them posting pictures all over facebook of them out and having fun, while I’m sitting at home because they had said they were busy and didn’t invite me.
So I guess I’m wondering for what other people would do? It’s awkward because my husbands friend started dating L and that means that our entire group of friends involves them now. If I don’t go to their wedding (we have been approved time off and we can afford it) then it would probably drive a bigger wedge between us. But I feel like I’m going to look like an idiot if L and some of our other friends are stadning up in S’s wedding and I’m one of the only female friends sitting and watching. I just hate that they keep excluding me from things and I feel like I’m wasting time trying to be friends with people when it seems they don’t want to be friends with me.
Any advice would be really appreciated!
Post # 3
Hey, so sorry to hear that. How long it has been going on with them excluding you from everything? Can you think of anything that you might have done to make them do that? Or they just do it with no reason? And I feel so bad that even though you told them how you felt and they don’t even care.
If I were you, I would try to keep my distance from them and see how they will act. And try not to check their facebook or anything. It will only hurt you not them.
If they are going to have a good time without you anyways, I wouldn’t bother try to be friends wth them or anything. They are just trying to use you if they need you and they wouldn’t include you for any of wedding. It is sad and I understand that you want your friends back, but things gotta be two-way not you just trying everything. Sorry. But I would try to not to bother too much. And if they invited you to the wedding then I would still go because they will be other friends (your husband and his mutual friends and stuff) and still have a good time and if they don’t want to include you then I will just try to have fun with other friends. It is their loss. And people don’t know the whole story and probably will say bad things about you if they know they your friend invited you and you didn’t go to her wedding.
Post # 4
Sorry your going through this. I don’t understand why they stepped down from your wedding. Did they say why? It seems extreme in response to you telling them your feelings were hurt. Unfortunately the more you address the situation the more distance you will create. I think I would let it be and go to the wedding if you want to salvage anything of the relationships. Sometimes friendships do change, I would look for new friends.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t go- that is just plain ole hurtful what they did- don’t go.
Post # 6
I would go, but I would go to have a vacation with my husband, that just happens to involve a wedding rather then put all the importance on the wedding. You are not a part of the bridal party, so you don’t have to be involved in all the chaos. Just think, while L is being yelled at by S because her hair has gone flat and her dress seems tight, you can be sipping a Bacardi poolside! For me it’s a win/win situation.
During the ceremony just smile and know that you were there to support your friend when she asked it of you. Personally, I think your friendship became a victim to your marriage in so much that there is truth to couples befriending couples and singles befriending singles. S soon will no longer be a single, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she starts to want to get together with you two to do “couple things” rather then club-hop with the single L.
If however looking forward, you know you have no intention of keeping the friendship alive, you are more then allowed to decline.
Post # 7
Yeah, I would totally go as a good excuse for a vacation. But stay away from your friend, she sounds like a drama llama and it isn’t worth hitting your head against a brick wall about. Just go and have a good time with your husband.
Post # 8
I would go and have a good time with your husband on vacation. Attend their wedding because it may be awkward socially if you don’t, but I would give up on being close friends with either one of them unless THEY are the ones to initiate the change and put the effort in.
Post # 9
Why do women (girls) do this crap?! I empathize with you, OP. I have found myself in this sort of situation multiple times in life. It always happens when three girls get together. One of them always gets left out maliciously and purposely, and I am always the one who gets left out.
If I were you, I’d cut your losses and move on. Don’t go to the wedding. Why spend that much money going to a wedding of people who are mean to you? Go on a nice trip with your hubby instead!
Post # 10
This is a SUPER dumb question and I apologize in advance, but are you from the states? I thought it was still really difficult (technically ‘illegal’) for US residents to travel to Cuba unless it was for a specific program? Unless you’re going through Mexico or another country… ?
Post # 11
Oh my goodness! I am a wedding coordinator for my new friends wedding and she is going through the same thing!
frankly I would go to the wedding since she already took the time off and it would be a mini vacation. But while you are at the wedding…mind your business and mingle, offer your congratulations and leave and go have fun in Cuba!
When you get home distance yourself from these drama filled “teenagers” remove them from your FB and find yourself some new more mature friends.
Who cares if your husbands friend is dating L, ignore her butt when you all go out and look fabulous because you dont care!
Do you girl not anyone else!
Post # 12
That sucks :(. I went through the same thing with the very first girl I made friends with in law school (though we weren’t friends nearly as long as y’all were). We hung out all the time and we each kept saying how glad we were we found someone to hang with so quickly and we had so much fun together watching bad reality shows and going to dinner…and then she made friends with people in her own section and dropped me like a hot potato. Made excuses, cancelled plans with less than an hour’s notice blah blah. Her birthday party, then one I talked with her about and helped her plan just two months before, suddenly I wasn’t invited until I said happy birthday on her fb wall and she responded “Thanks girl! I’m getting together with my friends for the festivities around 6 if you want to come.” With my friends. As in not with you.
I say eff her. Don’t go to the wedding and drop those girls the way they dropped you. You’re better than how they’re treating you. Some girls love to see you begging for their friendship. When I finally took a hint and stopped asking my friend to hang out, a month later I got a whiny text asking “are you mad at meeeee?” I wouldn’t be surprised if they did something similar once they realized you’re not there anymore.
Post # 13
Honestly I wouldn’t go to the wedding. They seem like very toxic and self absorbed immature girls. You’ll be surprised how easy it is too let go of bad friends.
Post # 15
Thanks so much everyone, for all of your feedback and suggestions.
@KristenGotMarried: To answer your question, we live in Canada so we are allowed to travel to Cuba. My husband and I were there two years ago so we were also hesitating if we wanted to go back so soon.
@SunnieChoi: Thanks for your response. I don’t think that there’s anything that I did to bother them (like a mistake I made). I’m not a huge club girl so I feel like that may have had something to do with it. I still love girls nights, but I don’t see why we need to spend all that money to be in a bar with people years younger than us (in Canada you can drink at 19). They always wanted to go to the bars and if I would decline once, then it would be that they wouldn’t invite me to anything again after that. I would still invite them over or suggest we go for dinner or things like that, and they might go, but would still go spend the day at the beach together without me or they would predrink together before coming to my house for a girls night with the three of us. I just don’t get it.
I think we will go to the wedding because like many of you mentioned, it would be nice to just have that vacation with my husband. And it’s true, there are many perks to not being in the wedding party and I’m going to try to focus hard on that aspect by enjoying my pina coladas next to the pool lol.
I’ve also decided that I’m going to continue being polite in social situations (otherwise it would be awkward for the whole group) but I’m going to try my best to act like I don’t care that they have excluded me and I’m just going to treat them like acquaintances now. They obviously are not good friends, so I’ll be nice to them, but I won’t go out of my way to be friends with them either. I’m less likely to continue to be hurt if I just accept that that’s the way things are, and I can move on and find better friends who won’t treat me the way these two do.
Thanks again everyone for being so supportive and offering advice. I really appreciate it!!