Friends who are not on the list! What to do?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 4
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I told them the truth. I said we had a limited budget and a small venue, and as much as I would have loved to invite everyone it just wasn’t possible and I limited it to very close friends and immediate family. People were understanding and wished me luck/sent a card/gift/whatever. 

Post # 2
Member
1894 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I was upfront and just told it how it is… something like I really wish that we could invite everyone but with our (my) family its just impossible and we hope that you understand. Just about everyone did (except one guy who schemed his way in by asking all the single ladies if he could come as their date). I think that most reasonable adults understand that weddings are expensive and limited…. its also a lot easier to play this card if you are having a wedding at a place  (vs a backyard party or something where having a few extra doesn’t really seriously affect things)

In the end I ended up having a few more NO than I expected so I was able to send out an invite to the 2 couples I felt most bad about not inviting and they were super happy that it worked out!

Post # 3
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I only address the situation if they ask directly. “Am I invited?” or and assumptive comment like “I put it on my calendar” or “can’t wait for it” get a response. It’s usually:

“We wish we could invite everyone, but we have obligations to invite family and a strict budget to work with. I hope you understand.”

 

Post # 5
Member
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Flow:  i agree with everyone here. i’ve constantly let people know that we are on a tight budget with a small venue, and just aren’t able to accommodate everyone. its hard!!!

Post # 6
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee

I think you should ”prepare” them somehow to the possibility you might not invite them. Right now you don’t have to tell them they’re off the list, but I think the disappointment will be greater for them if you let them believe they will be invited and then one day they realize they’re not. I would rather tell them ”we’re having a small event” or ”we’re working on a tight budget, so we might not afford to have everyone”. Just so they know if they’re not invited, that it’s not because you do not value their friendship, but really because you had constraints (space, budget, etc.) that forced you to make a difficult choice.

Also, this is a no-no for many people, but in my area (and I know some British Bees have said it also happens in their area), here it’s quite common that the couple invites family members to ceremony and dinner only, but send another set of invitations to coworkers, friends, cousins, etc. to invite them to the party (the dance at 9pm). Because the cost is identical (the DJ isn’t more expensive at 100 guests than at 50 guests) and because it was, overall, a solution that allowed couples to have all their loved ones with them, without having to spend thousands of dollars more. And it’s not seen rude around here : people understand couples have financial limits and that this is a compromise, they prefer to go out (just like they would to the cinema or clubbing on a Saturday night) rather than not being at the wedding, at all. 

Just see what’s possible to do in your area. Or, maybe you could do something similar and invite your friends to a ladies’ night out after your wedding to make up for not being able to invite them, if it really bothers you.

I’m sure there’s a way to enjoy being with your friends even if it’s not on the wedding day itself. People will not stop being happy for you after the day has gone. 

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