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Tell her. Tell her and bask in the awkwardness. She should be embarrassed for assuming such a thing. I also had a friend who falsely assumed she would be a bridesmaid and it may be twisted, I enjoyed telling her that no, she would not be asked to be one. I thought it was very rude of her to assume.
Ouch. That sucks. Honestly I would probably avoid the situation for now and just not say anything to her about ANY aspect of the wedding. I don't know when you're planning on getting married or how small your destination wedding is gonna be, but later on if she starts asking about it again you can go with the "we're only having family" excuse or something. I dunno. I need some more deets on your specific situation to give better advice.
@mackiekenzie - way harsh!
I'm with Kittyachi
Avoid the subject for a while if you can and see if she brings it up again. If she does, just tell her it's a DW & you're trying to keep things small. I would def. try to have a conversation with her about it before she hears from the other girls though. If she has expectations of being in the wedding party when she finds out she isn't, and won't be invited either - it might get a little messy. Beat it to the punch.
i would tell her. my friends always assumed they'd be in my wedding, i actually assumed they would be too, we'd always joke about how i'd make them wear pink. but when it came down to me actually getting engaged and picking my wedding party, i'm having a small wedding and i wanted a small wedding party. i told them, and they understood.
I had a friend who asked that I not put her in a dress with a big bow on it. I knew at the time I wasn't going to ask her, but I was totally caught off guard and kept my mouth shut. It was early in our engagement - so I think it's safe to say I hadn't thought that far ahead.
If your friend brings it up again, I'd somehow let her know that you are leaning toward having a very small bridal party and can't include everyone that you'd like to. That way, she's not expecting it. Obviously, that conversation has to come before you let the other girls know.
Also, think if there is some other role or job you can give her - if you'd like.
I think you should tell her she's not going to be in it since she assumes she's going to be. Just tell her that you are having a really small destination wedding and that you aren't going to invite very many people and that you don't feel as close to her as you have in the past. Hopefully she will understand but I think it best to do it before she finds out from others.
Oh whoops I didn't see the part about you asking girls she knows. Can you hold off on asking them? If not then yeah, you're gonna have to just suck it up and tell her she's not going to be a BM, but with that also comes telling her she's not invited to the wedding. Is a friendship with this person important to you? If so you might consider inviting her because if she's assuming she's gonna be a BM and then gets hit with the fact she's not even invited, that might be a dealbreaker friendship-wise.
Oh, awkwardness.
If you're sure you won't be including her in the bridal party better to tell her straight out and be done with it. If she's still a close firend, maybe consider giving her an attendant's role?
I think the sooner she knows that she won't be in the wedding party, the better. It will probably be an uncomfortable conversation but I am sure she would rather hear it from you before she hears it somewhere else.
oooh that is so rude of her, how awkward. If it was me I would totally ignore it and not say anything. I would feel even more awkward bringing it up after the fact just to tell her that she's not in the WP. maybe say something if she asks again?
Thanks everyone. I have a lot to think about. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I also don't want to feel obligated on a day that should be about my FI and I. Thanks again for your thoughts.
I have a similar problem - my MOH is my best friend and she has assumed/insisted that her daughter be a flower girl. I am NOT having her daughter in the wedding, period because my oldest daughter is going to be FI "best girl" and my other daughter is going to a bridesmaid. I want both of my girls to have a chance to shine on that day when I get married and we officially add FI to our family. When it comes to be time to start actually planning things, she is going to have to be told outright that no, her daughter isn't being in the wedding and why.
I would tell her. It's your wedding and you get to choose who you want, they don't just nominate themselves. It's up to you to decide how to go about it though. You could play the "small wedding" card, it's what I did.
One of my friends (who I'm not overly close to) has spent a great deal of our friendship lamenting about how she's been in SO many weddings and how she ALWAYS gets asked to be a bridesmaid and wear these HIDEOUS dresses and weddings are so boring blah blah blah...
So, naturally, when I started thinking about the bridal party, I counted her out because I didn't think she would want to be a bridesmaid. Besides, we're having a small destination wedding and that means only a few attendants - she's not in my "top tier" of friends so she wasn't even in the running.
Well, when I told her about the wedding, she started going off about how it's going to be awesome to go to a beach wedding and how she hopes I pick pink, etc. I didn't even let her get far into the discussion before I reminded her that she HATES being a bridesmaid and that, for that reason, was not considering her especially when I had to be so selective for my small wedding. That shut her up pretty quick!
It's awkward when gals make this assumption.
These other three friends, are you all close to each other? Are you like a circle of friends, and she is the only one not asked to be in the wedding? I dont know if you just consider her a tag along, in your circle? Are you really close to the other girls but she just kind of knows them from something else? Without details it seems pretty major that this girl who feels close enough to you that she thought she'd be in the wedding, isn't even going to be invited. And if you try to say it's just this small family DW, obviously that's not the case, because you are inviting three friends to be in the wedding. It's not like you're just having your sis as your MOH and that's it. I think she's really going to be hurt to find out that not only won't she be in the wedding, she won't be invited, when her other friends are invited, and are in the wedding. Yikes!
I think that its a little rude for people to automatically assume they are going to be in your wedding or in it.
I think you should tell her that you appreciate her enthusiasm of wanting to be in the wedding but you were only going to invite immediate family and and small number of friends.
I think that should settle it but in any case, good luck!
I hate when people make this assumption.
I have two good friends, by best girlfriends. One assumes she's going to be my MOH. I told her I wasn't sure yet who I was picking, and she started hinting at how much it would mean to her. The thing is... she's a MOH-zilla, and showing it already. "That color clashes with my palette" was the first thing she said when I showed her my colors.
My real MOH on the other hand (I've decided in my head, but only asked them to be BMs so far) didn't assume anything, but showed a lot of excitement in helping me plan and throwing the B party, etc.
So now I'm trying to figure out how to let BM 1 know that she's just a BM.
I hear ya on this. I had a friend who way before we were engaged made a comment one night about how "She couldn't wait to prepare her speech for our future wedding, because she was going to give a great toast." Really awkward because I was never planning on having her in my wedding... since she wasn't that good of a friend.
You never know though, she may not even be that offended, especially if you are having a destination wedding.... I would totally understand if a friend I wasn't that super close to didn't ask me for that reason. Then again, I'm also not the type of person to invite myself as a member of the bridal party lol ;)
My MOH actually did this. As soon as I told her I got engaged she said "Oh, I'm so excited to be your MOH!" when really, I wanted one of my cousins to be my MOH. In the end, I rolled over and let my long-distance friend claim her MOHship. I regretted that decision many a time, trust me. Throughout the planning process, she either A. didn't give a crap about what I was saying or B. acted like it was more her wedding than mine. Needless to say, a few months ago I just decided not to have ANY BMs of GMs. It was just too much of a headache.
Gosh! I say just tell them whenever they say something about it again, just plain and simple haha make it sweet. I think they are being the RUDE ones assuming and planning who is going to be in ur wedding.
My friend wants to be MOH if ever I get engaged..I just didn't say anything at the moment..I thought like some of others that it's just plain rude to assume that ...I don't have many girlfriends, but goodness at least wait to be asked..
Um...yeah. IF she mentions it again you need to tell her. That's so rude! My EX's sister asked to be in our wedding since I never married her brother and she "lost he chance last time."
@ His Barista....shut the front door!! That's pretty selfish of her.
This happened to me. Friend A & friend B both wanted to be in the wedding and they made it quite clear. Did I mention they hated each others guts and there was only room for one more bridesmaid??? I didn't choose either of them for that reason, they were both invited as guests though. Friend 1 offered to be my personal attendant and Friend 2 declined the next day. She declined because she wasn't a bridesmaid. Really??! A real, honest and true friend will show up to support you regardless of their role. I vote to tell her. It'll be awkward but it'll be over with.
Wow @ HisBarista, that is BOLD. What nonsense.
I had one friend make a comment to me in passing about a year before I was engaged. She's a high school friend who I didn't talk to for about 5 years after high school. It wasn't until I moved back home and wasn't really talking to college friends anymore that I started hanging out with her. The funny thing was, my one high school friend who I wanted in my wedding party never assumed anything, but knew me well enough to know I would never ask the assuming girl to be in my party.
I'm amazed at the amount of stories on here about people making assumptions about their involvement or roles. I hope I don't have anything that crazy happen to me.
I had the same issue. An old elementary friend of mine who I still talk to from time to time automatically assumed that she was going to be a maid. I waited until she made a comment about needing a bridesmaid's dress and then asked her whose wedding she needed it for.
She never answered my question, so I assume she finally got the picture and felt embarrassed. There are people I'm closer to that I want to stand up there with me. People just need to realize that if they haven't been asked to be a maid, then...well, it's just not going to happen.
The same thing happened to me! One day my friends and I were talking about weddings and how they knew a proposal was coming my way. One volunteered herself to be my bridesmaid and listed a bunch of demands with it!!!!I was taken back and didn't say much. Meanwhile, I was thinking that I would not even include her in my bridal party. Since then we have gotten very close and now are going through some sort of passive aggressive fight, the kind where you know that your mad at eachother but don't say anything about the "situation" (which is a petty misunderstanding more than anything) to avoid confrontation.
My friend of a couple of years stopped being my friend because I didn't tell her about the wedding or invite her to be in it. She found out through facebook. Grant it I hadn't had the chance to tell her in person that my fiance does not like her and he didnt want her in our wedding party.
When she read facebook she freaked out and has permanently stopped speaking to me. Somedays it bothers me but then I remember her maturity level and the reasons why my fiance doesn't like her and I'm okay with us no longer being friends. Sometimes people grow up while others stay the same age...forever.
Eh, honestly, while I don't mind confrontation in the LEAST (seriously, I'm kind of mean)... I don't know if I'd care enough to put forth the energy to set the record straight til after I asked the girls I wanted to be bridesmaids. If she asked me about it again, I'd be like "yeah... I just couldn't have 5 bridesmaids! It wasn't working out"
i am glad to hear im not the only one this has happened too!! all i can say is good luck...which ever way you handle it, it sounds like that person is pretty selfish to just offer herself the spot in the wedding so she probably wont handle the news well either way!
I didn't confront her about it because I didn't want to have the whole awkward conversation. I posted something of my facebook page about all my girls saying yes to being my bridesmaid and she got the hint.
Ahh! I had a friend do that! What makes it worse is we were hardly close anymore, she hadn't met my FH and I never told her she'd be in it. She just assumed. So I tried ignoring it but it didn't work and I had to email her and tell her that she wasn't a BM. Soo awkward I've never assumed I'd be a BM in a friends wedding!
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Hi Ladies,
I am recently engaged and when I was telling a friend about it, she then said that the only thing she requests is that I don't put her in really high heels for the wedding. The problem is that I am not going to ask her be a bridesmaid and probably won't even invite her to the wedding as it is a small destination wedding. What should I tell her? I am going to ask three of my friends and she will know through them that I have not asked her. Should I just tell her or let her find out. We used to be really good friends but have grown apart in the last year and I have other friends I want up there with me. Suggestions?