Post # 1
I am recently engaged and when I was telling a friend about it, she then said that the only thing she requests is that I don’t put her in really high heels for the wedding. The problem is that I am not going to ask her be a bridesmaid and probably won’t even invite her to the wedding as it is a small destination wedding. What should I tell her? I am going to ask three of my friends and she will know through them that I have not asked her. Should I just tell her or let her find out. We used to be really good friends but have grown apart in the last year and I have other friends I want up there with me. Suggestions?
Post # 3
Tell her. Tell her and bask in the awkwardness. She should be embarrassed for assuming such a thing. I also had a friend who falsely assumed she would be a bridesmaid and it may be twisted, I enjoyed telling her that no, she would not be asked to be one. I thought it was very rude of her to assume.
Post # 4
Ouch. That sucks. Honestly I would probably avoid the situation for now and just not say anything to her about ANY aspect of the wedding. I don’t know when you’re planning on getting married or how small your destination wedding is gonna be, but later on if she starts asking about it again you can go with the “we’re only having family” excuse or something. I dunno. I need some more deets on your specific situation to give better advice.
@mackiekenzie – way harsh!
Post # 5
I’m with Kittyachi
Avoid the subject for a while if you can and see if she brings it up again. If she does, just tell her it’s a DW & you’re trying to keep things small. I would def. try to have a conversation with her about it before she hears from the other girls though. If she has expectations of being in the wedding party when she finds out she isn’t, and won’t be invited either – it might get a little messy. Beat it to the punch.
Post # 6
i would tell her. my friends always assumed they’d be in my wedding, i actually assumed they would be too, we’d always joke about how i’d make them wear pink. but when it came down to me actually getting engaged and picking my wedding party, i’m having a small wedding and i wanted a small wedding party. i told them, and they understood.
Post # 7
I had a friend who asked that I not put her in a dress with a big bow on it. I knew at the time I wasn’t going to ask her, but I was totally caught off guard and kept my mouth shut. It was early in our engagement – so I think it’s safe to say I hadn’t thought that far ahead.
If your friend brings it up again, I’d somehow let her know that you are leaning toward having a very small bridal party and can’t include everyone that you’d like to. That way, she’s not expecting it. Obviously, that conversation has to come before you let the other girls know.
Also, think if there is some other role or job you can give her – if you’d like.
Post # 8
I think you should tell her she’s not going to be in it since she assumes she’s going to be. Just tell her that you are having a really small destination wedding and that you aren’t going to invite very many people and that you don’t feel as close to her as you have in the past. Hopefully she will understand but I think it best to do it before she finds out from others.
Post # 9
Oh whoops I didn’t see the part about you asking girls she knows. Can you hold off on asking them? If not then yeah, you’re gonna have to just suck it up and tell her she’s not going to be a BM, but with that also comes telling her she’s not invited to the wedding. Is a friendship with this person important to you? If so you might consider inviting her because if she’s assuming she’s gonna be a BM and then gets hit with the fact she’s not even invited, that might be a dealbreaker friendship-wise.
Post # 10
If you’re sure you won’t be including her in the bridal party better to tell her straight out and be done with it. If she’s still a close firend, maybe consider giving her an attendant’s role?
Post # 11
I think the sooner she knows that she won’t be in the wedding party, the better. It will probably be an uncomfortable conversation but I am sure she would rather hear it from you before she hears it somewhere else.
Post # 12
oooh that is so rude of her, how awkward. If it was me I would totally ignore it and not say anything. I would feel even more awkward bringing it up after the fact just to tell her that she’s not in the WP. maybe say something if she asks again?
Post # 13
Thanks everyone. I have a lot to think about. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, but I also don’t want to feel obligated on a day that should be about my FI and I. Thanks again for your thoughts.
Post # 14
I have a similar problem – my MOH is my best friend and she has assumed/insisted that her daughter be a flower girl. I am NOT having her daughter in the wedding, period because my oldest daughter is going to be FI “best girl” and my other daughter is going to a bridesmaid. I want both of my girls to have a chance to shine on that day when I get married and we officially add FI to our family. When it comes to be time to start actually planning things, she is going to have to be told outright that no, her daughter isn’t being in the wedding and why.
Post # 15
I would tell her. It’s your wedding and you get to choose who you want, they don’t just nominate themselves. It’s up to you to decide how to go about it though. You could play the “small wedding” card, it’s what I did.
One of my friends (who I’m not overly close to) has spent a great deal of our friendship lamenting about how she’s been in SO many weddings and how she ALWAYS gets asked to be a bridesmaid and wear these HIDEOUS dresses and weddings are so boring blah blah blah…
So, naturally, when I started thinking about the bridal party, I counted her out because I didn’t think she would want to be a bridesmaid. Besides, we’re having a small destination wedding and that means only a few attendants – she’s not in my “top tier” of friends so she wasn’t even in the running.
Well, when I told her about the wedding, she started going off about how it’s going to be awesome to go to a beach wedding and how she hopes I pick pink, etc. I didn’t even let her get far into the discussion before I reminded her that she HATES being a bridesmaid and that, for that reason, was not considering her especially when I had to be so selective for my small wedding. That shut her up pretty quick!
Post # 16
It’s awkward when gals make this assumption.
These other three friends, are you all close to each other? Are you like a circle of friends, and she is the only one not asked to be in the wedding? I dont know if you just consider her a tag along, in your circle? Are you really close to the other girls but she just kind of knows them from something else? Without details it seems pretty major that this girl who feels close enough to you that she thought she’d be in the wedding, isn’t even going to be invited. And if you try to say it’s just this small family DW, obviously that’s not the case, because you are inviting three friends to be in the wedding. It’s not like you’re just having your sis as your MOH and that’s it. I think she’s really going to be hurt to find out that not only won’t she be in the wedding, she won’t be invited, when her other friends are invited, and are in the wedding. Yikes!