Post # 1
Let me start this by saying I kind of have two groups of friends… a group where everyone has kids and a group where no one does. The group with kids lives out in the suburbs a little and I have to make an extra special effort to see them because of where they live, bc they have more responsibilities and because it’s much harder to just meet after work for a drink or dinner..
The friends without kids I see ALL THE TIME. Half of us live walking distance to eachother’s houses…. and we do everything together. Happy hours, dinners, sporting events, wine tastings, farmer’s markets, kickball league, everything.
OK, that being said, when it’s time I am very excited to tell my friends with kids about our pregnancy, but I am like terrified to tell me other friends. I was already a little nervous, but then last night at a friend’s house for dinner the subject somehow got on babies (someone was complaining about having to go to a baby shower the next morning) and the things that were coming out of her mouth were very hurtful.
For example she was complaining about a woman she knows that has a baby and said, “she throw this thing over her and just breastfeeds while we’re sitting right there, gross, go in the other room!” And I said, I’m not agreeing with her or not, but maybe if she has friends over she doesnt want to leave every hour to go feed her baby by herself? and my friend said “well she should have thought of that before she had a baby” WTF does that mean?
She made multiple comments about how no one should have kids until they’ve been married for a minimum of 2 years she doesnt think she will want to have them until she is “done being fun” (I will be 32 when our baby is born and DH and I waited a year after we got married to start trying)
Anyway, I guess my question to this ridiculously long post is how the hell should I tell them when the time comes? Everyone else we’ve told has been so excited and happy… I have a feeling they will be almost angry. We are both in their upcoming wedding and I’m almost afraid she will be angry about a pregnant person in her wedding party (and at her bachelorette party) I was really upset leaving last night about it..I’m sure it’s partly hormones…and my DH said, who cares what she thinks, this isnt her life, but I guess I’m just sad that she like pretty much hates everyone with kids.. (there are more examples but this is long enough)… I am seriously stressed out abotu this for some reason…
Post # 3
They’re just friends. =) You and your husband are having a baby together and they are either excited for you or they aren’t. Your husband is right when he says it isn’t her life. If your friends are true, they’ll stick out a few hours (rather than a lifetime) with you and your baby/child.
Post # 4
Wow, your friend sounds like a peach. What ignorant and rude remarks from her!
If I were you, friends or not, I wouldn’t give a rats butt what their reaction is to your pregnancy. I’d just tell them and let them deal with it in their own way. Some people are just really awful 🙁 Like the poster above me said, if they are true friends, they will stick around and be there for you.
I know when our friends were all having babies, we kind of drifted apart for a bit. It was hard to get together when they had little ones and we didnt.
Since we’ve had our first baby though, we’ve reconnected with all of our friends with kids and we are closer than ever! Hopefully that will be the same for you!
Post # 5
I don’t think it is hate. I think there could be some jealousy mixed in there. I have a friend who I know is tired of the single life and her defense is to sometimes make fun of parenting. She has even said she isn;t sure if she wants children because she doesn;t want to give up her lifestyle. I will admit my friend can be selfish at times and she will admit it herself. Is it possible your friend is like this? I didn;t think twice when I told my friend because in the end if the friendship is going to change then it will. A baby should not change a good friendship!
Post # 6
@Rose120: I am only 23 so I have TONS of these friends. I was super nervous too but like, MissPumpkinPie said, they are your friends. They aren’t your husband and they will not be apart of this family you have. Trust me, you won’t mind their opinions too much.
That being said: even my wildest of friends were loving and tried to be excited. AT FIRST-They asked annoying questions like “was this an ACCIDENT?” or ” AREN’T YOU GOING TO GET FAT?!”…But after that, they warmed up and now they awkwardly rub my belly and say “omgosh coool”.
Post # 7
That sucks, but to be honest, there really are some people who aren’t into kids and just don’t like hanging out with them, talking about them, whatever. I’m guessing at your age (which is just about the same as mine) every other week someone is announcing their pregnancy or having a baby. If she doesn’t want kids, or not for a long time, she probably is a little sad to be losing friends that can go out on a moments notice, etc.
I have had multiple people tell me about friends saying things like, oh well, too bad we won’t really be friends any more after you have kids. One person actually said, I guess I need to find a new best friend now.
Probably, some friends will come around, some never will. The ones that don’t, to me, aren’t real friends, just convenient friends.
Post # 8
I have a friend and her husband who I feel the same way about. They’re always making comments like “We don’t hang out with so and so anymore because they have kids and are no fun”. Honestly, I’m not going to let it bother me because if they act like that, they aren’t real friends.
Post # 9
People have a high capacity for holding inconsistent and contradictory opinions. Your friend may resent going to all the baby showers, and the idea of kids, but if you are close she may feel differently/behave herself when you announce. People feel run their mouths on all sorts of things that they later ignore or embrace. If you doubt this look at hypocrisy of politics in this country!
I wouldn’t worry too much. She is either a treasured, very good friend, or she may drift in and out (and maybe not back in) to your life. It sounds like she is in a very different life stage right now. Enjoy your pregnancy, give everyone a chance, then surround yourself with the people who can be supportive to you.
Post # 10
I think you might be surprised at their acceptance. I know pre-baby my group of friends were hands-off and made comments like these. I was always open that we were trying. At the time I thought I was the only one. As it turned out the friend that was never having kids got pregnant in December, I got pregnant in February and now a third friend is pregnant. Our lives are going to change but it will be fun to experience it with them.
Your group of friends will adapt. Soon enough. Afterall they too are getting married and that will bring changes too. And if they aren’t excited and supportive then that’s okay too.
Post # 11
Ugh. I’m so sorry that you have to even worry with this. On the one hand, you’re husband is right. Who cares what she thinks?! On the other, I know its hard to accept that someone who is supposed to be your friend can be so hurtful, even if it is unintentionally towards you.
The truth is that you find out who your true friends are when its not easy to be friends. This baby will change your life in so many ways. You will lose sleep and you will lose friends. But you will gain a love you never knew existed and you will develop a different, deeper friendship with those who are there to support you.
My suggestion is to just tell her (and any other friends you feel will react the same way). Tell her you’ve very excited and you hope to be able to share in that excitement with her. Give her an out, too, though. Let her know that you understand you and your husband are entering into a different stage of life and that you do not expect her to change because you are changing. If she’s a true blue friend, she’ll be open to the good things that come with a baby. If she isn’t…well, you don’t need debbie downers or negative nancys in your life. Nor does your baby!
Post # 12
@Bee27: Um, you can be real friends but maybe not friends who are really into kids. To the OP, I know their comments sound hurtful but sometimes people say things without thinking. Trust me, I’ve had people say stuff and then look at me and blanch (yeah, stuff that skirts the boundaries of being racist comments but they forgot I was there). That just makes them a bit inconsiderate. However, I’m sure your friends will come around. At your age, everyone is probably getting married and pregnant etc. I’ve had friends that just can’t drop stuff on a dime to hang out and it does make for excessive planning before hanging out but I find that our friendships haven’t really changed that much. It just take a bit of planning.
Oh, and I don’t think they are jealous either. BTW, I should add that I am mightily envious that you get to live in the midd of downtown. I wish I could afford it 🙂
Post # 13
I am on the fence about kids…and to be honest, my first gut reaction when I hear a freind is pregnant is usually “ugh, there goes their life!” but I put on a happy face and act excited for them, because I genuinely am excited for them…just not excited about the prospect of children for myself.
It’s hard to hear a friend is pregnant because honestly, they become less eligible to go out an have a good time on a whim, and that usually has a profound effect on a friendship. But, if both people are willing to put in more effort, then it’s great.
The thing you will have to remember, particularly with this group of friends, is that aside from a quick tidbit about baby, a milestone he/she hit, etc. they don’t want to hear about it all the time. I do think new moms get caught in the habit of talking about baby ALL the time…so I can see that being not-so-great for a group that isn’t ready for them.
Your TRUE friends will be happy for you…and so long as you, and they, continue to put effort into your friendships, you should have nothing to worry about.
Post # 14
You may be reading way too much into the friend’s comments. People without kids talk like that all the time and only mean about 2% of what they say or only really have 2% of that feeling. Before anyone flames me, I’m not saying ALL people without kids talk like that— just saying “people over-dramatize in conversation because it makes conversation more interesting.” It’s exactly like when people say “we went to dinner last night and had THE BEST CHOCOLATE CAKE EVER.” I truly doubt it was the best chocolate cake ever, or the best chocolate cake that person’s ever had. It’s just how we make conversation.
That said, we are child-free and planning to stay that way; our neighbors were some of our best friends for years, and our relationship did indeed change when they started having kids. Not better, not worse, just different. While I personally don’t want kids, and have made many comments to various friends over the years about why I don’t want kids, I still value my friendship with my neighbors. They are welcome in our home, with or without their kids. There was a time when the kids were very small when we’d all hang out on my front porch and they’d bring their baby monitor— we’re in row houses so my front porch is basically 4 feet from their living room. You make adjustments as life changes.
I think you may be surprised at how many of your friends likewise make adjustments to keep up the friendship after the baby arrives, no matter how much smack they talk currently. Give them the benefit of the doubt and make your announcement just like you made it to your other friends.
Post # 15
@bRooklynRocks: What I mean is a real friend won’t stop hanging out with you just because you have children.
Post # 16
Good, real friends are hard to find. I think that with life changes, as we grow, friends come and go. If they are really your friends, you will work through those changes. As hard as it is, friendships might not always be able to weather the changes.
I have one friend with three kids and I love her and I love them. It just works, it is hard to explain. Her kids are not EVERYTHING to her. I don’t mean to sound mean, what I mean is that her kids are a part of her life and she loves them, but I still love doing other things with her- she still loves spending time in the darkroom and going out without her kids. And she doesn’t just talk about them. It is hard to explain.
Then I have another friend who has two kids and it is too much. She posts every hour- pictures of her kids or says things like “My kids just shit the crap out of their pants!” on facebook- or “my kids smell like mac and cheese!” it is just too much. I think as long as there is balance in someone’s life, it is easier as a friend – to maintain that relationship. This particular friend was always like this though- she didn’t even want to go out once she got a dog because she didn’t want to leave the dog alone. It is an extreme example. I just don’t really want to go see her because it will be all about the kids. I don’t want to have to baby sit while I see my friend. I am there to see my friend.
I think as long as someone doesn’t totally lose themselves, or at least as long as they don’t make other people act like the world revolves around their children (even if it does for them- the parent) relationships can evolve. That extreme friend is always just like: “hold my baby!” I like the baby, but I came to see the friend…