Post # 1
I am wondering how you feel about yourself being friends with an ex and how your partner feels about it.
I dated a man in college for a few weeks, hung out a few times and it just wasn’t going anywhere. We stopped “dating” but hung out all thru college since we were friends. We still share a group of friends so I run into him every once in awhile. His current girlfriend flipped out when it was pointed out that we dated and straight up tells me I’m not welcome when we are hanging out. Luckily, my friends stood up for me and told her to back down since I am not interested in her bf, I’m happily engaged. I thought it was completely uncalled for and immature the way she handled herself. I was there with my FI, I’m not a flirt, and was definitely trying to make conversation with her since she is not included in the group of friends. He and I were never in a relationship where I consider him an ex boyfriend so i thought it was perfectly ok to hang out and she should have nothing to worry about. A few dates, never anything physical, and not to the point where we were in a serious relationship.
He texts me every once in awhile and I know she would flip out if she knew so part of me wants to nip it in the bud. But then the other part of me thinks this guy is my friend, not once has either of us said anything inappropriate (and nor would I let it even get there), and my FI thinks that it’s totally ok to check in to see how he’s doing every once in awhile. They get along and are friends as well. I don’t want to get him in trouble, yet I think she is overly possessive of him (but for good reason, both have a reputation on cheating on the other).
What is your take on hanging out with exes and what would you do if you knew you might get someone in trouble if their SO found out?
Post # 3
Personally? I don’t like any of my exes all that much, lol. But FI has one friend that’s an ex from like high school. I’m fine with it because I’ve become good friends with her too and we went to her wedding last year. I think it just matters the situation.
As far as your situation… I’m not a fan of texting other guys or other girls texting my FI. I just find it pointless, and drama-inducing. Things can get deleted in text messages and I can see why she has an issue with it. I’m not saying what y’all are saying is wrong, but I don’t necessarily find it appropriate either.
Post # 4
I think it’s usually fine, but not if there are unresolved feelings. I still keep in touch with a few of my exes, and I’m close friends with guys I’ve dated casually. So is FI. But there are some relationships that are too volatile even after a break-up, where I think a person is justified in not wanting their partner to spend time with the ex. When FI and I were casually dating, he was still in touch with his ex, and every time he’d see her or talk to her, he’d get really confused about our relationship. It drove me crazy, and he had a lot of issues with relationships because of her. He actually put the brakes on their friendship without me needing to ask him to, but it took a long time for him to get to that point.
It actually showed up on my facebook newsfeed the other day that they were facebook friends, and I mentioned it to him, and he said that he had deleted her two years ago, and she had just friended him, so he accepted. At this point, I don’t fear anymore for the security of our relationship, but she is someone that I wouldn’t want him to be very close to. All his other exes, however, I’m fine with.
Post # 5
I have an ex (actually a guy I dated for 3 years, we had been broken up for a year before I met DH) who I’m very close friends with. He broke it off, and it took me a while to get over the hurt, etc, but when I got through it all, I realized I really missed his friendship. We became friends again, and DH got to know him as well. My ex and his GF (at the time) came to our wedding, and we went to their wedding just a couple months ago. We all love to have dinner together and catch up.
We also see one of DH’s exes and her husband (and again, we each attended each other’s weddings), although not as regularly as we see my ex. I don’t have much in common with her, but I do think she’s very nice and her husband is a great guy.
I didn’t think I would ever be the person who wanted to/agreed to/liked to hang out with an ex (or my DH’s ex) but I think when you’re in the right place with those people, there’s nothing left but goodwill and friendship, why not? Different strokes for different folks I guess. It’s actually funny because my ex’s wife and I will talk about his stubborn traits, etc which is really strange I guess, but funny (good funny) to me that we feel comfortable enough together to chat like that about him!
I can totally understand why some people would be uncomfortable with it. If one of DH’s exes (or mine) had unresolved feelings, or was behaving inappropriately I would absolutely not be okay with it.
ETA – If I were contacting one of my ex’s and his SO wasn’t okay with it, I would want to talk to her myself to let her know I was a nice person, not after him, but I would also agree to back off if she wasn’t comfortable with the friendship. I wouldn’t be comfortable knowing I had caused an issue in their relationship, and I would have to be okay with putting a friendship on the backburner until they resolved the issue.
Post # 6
@AmeliaBedelia: I see your point with the texting, especially how things can get deleted. I usually don’t text first but sometimes I don’t even want to reply because I think that might start drama. I also don’t want it to be a one way friendship were he only talks to me first.
PS I’m old but still in love with Amelia Bedelia books, they were my childhood favorite!
Post # 7
@Pupperoni: Yeah I totally have no issue with contact, as I mentioned, but a lot can get lost in translation over text message. She could be reading too much into things, but I think it’s important to respect that. 🙂
Oh yes. I want ALL of them for my kids. I told FI I’m going to start collecting them when we get married. 😉 It helps me to convince him with “But it’s my nickname.” 😉
Post # 8
I dunno, I always figured if I like one of my exes enough to want to maintain a friendship with him (phone calls, texts) then why did we break up in the first place? It’s one thing if you guys have a mutual group of friends and end up seeing each other at outings and stuff but taking extra steps to communicate one on one just seems a little unncessesary. I, for one, would NOT be comfortable with FI hanging out one on one and texting/chatting with anyone he’s once bumped uglies with and I trust him implicitly. Like I said before, I just don’t understand the desire to maintain a relationship like that with an ex. They’re an ex for a reason, right?
ETA: Bakerella’s situation is not the type I’m talking about here. Double dating with an ex and his current love is fine. A bit odd depending on the circumstances, but I wouldn’t get upset about it. I’m talking about one on one friendships where you hang out with your ex alone, text, chat, ect. That’s not ok.
Post # 9
@lezlers: DH sees his ex without me. I see my ex without him. We all text. It used to bother me before I knew his ex very well, but now that I know her we’re all fine. I think the other thing too is that the person he was when he dated her isn’t the same person he is now. We all change over time, so I don’t worry that there still might be lingering feelings or whatever, because if there were, he wouldn’t be with me! And the other thing too is that in both of our cases the relationships ended simply because we grew apart, not because one party did something awful to the other or whatever. So I don’t have a reason to hate my ex and vice versa. It just took some time to get over the sad/hurt feelings that come with a break up and remember the friend that I had in him. I’m not saying my circumstances are for everyone, just that it does and can happen functionally.
Post # 10
I’m still friends with some of my exes.
One is married and his wife doesn’t like me. We went to dinner once (eight of us) and when he laughed at one of my jokes, she kicked me repeatedly under the table. For like, half an hour. I was annoyed with her.
I think if neither of you has feelings for each other anymore, you can totally be friends! It’s when one person still hangs onto some of the emotional attachment that it gets sticky.
Post # 11
I’m friends with one of my exs.
His was the only case when we were friends for a while first, then dated and still remained somewhat amicable. He has been dating a girl who compliments his personality far more and I’m engaged. For a couple years his girlfriend and I were stand partners in the community band that he also was in.
While Fh isn’t comfortable with the idea of me inviting my ex and his girlfriend to the wedding, he is okay with an occasional razzing text or fb post back and forth about our respective schools’ sports teams. We’ve gone to lunch together to catch up but that’s few and far between and always awkward- we never had much in common and even less when he was in his drunken frat stage. Fh wasn’t as comfortable with that but he tolerated it.
He is more uncomfortable with the fact that I am good friends with a guy who several years after the fact admitted that he considered asking me out in high school. But he too is dating someone who fits him far better and I can’t wait for them to get engaged and married (they’re going to have some seriously smart children too, they’re both going for PhDs in Chem). Fh was REALLY uncomfortable when I went out to lunch with my friend, his sister and her son and he paid for all of us, I didn’t think he was going to/should pay but he’s almost as stubborn as FH…
I wouldn’t keep in contact with any other guys I dated. One fell off the face of the earth and the other I could really care less about.
Post # 12
Yeah, I dont like any of my ex’s enough to want to hang out with them. There are reasons that we broke up and for me, its just better that I dont have any contact with them.
FI never talks about his ex’s other than what was originally said at the beginning of our relationship. I think its just better to leave those things in the past. I am so much happier with FI than I ever was with my exs
Post # 13
One of my ex’s will actually be the person to marry us! We’ve been great friends since we broke up and he actually introduced me to my fiance!
Honestly though, that’s the only ex, between the two of us, that we speak to.
Post # 14
Oh wait, I lied. I talk to one other one too. lol
Post # 15
I only have one ex, dated him for 5 years (first relationship) and in the end, we just became different people. I guess it helped that he moved overseas afterwards to pursue his love of work and travel. Despite the mutual agreement to move on, in the beginning I’ve held some bitterness as I felt I was making it work for the long haul whereas our relationship wasn’t his priority.
2 years on, he’s returning for a trip and asked to meet up as he genuinely feels our freindship comes first. I know I’m happier with my current partner then I ever was with my ex, so I’m really contemplating whether I should meet up and if there is a point of a catchup?
Post # 16
I am good friends with one of my exes. We started off as close friends, and we probably should have stayed friends. Ah well.
SO doesn’t love the “idea” that we’re friends simply because my SO can’t relate (only has terrible exes). Fortunately SO likes my ex and also completely trusts me when we meet up for coffee or drinks.
I think its appropriate to be friends with exes if it works for the two people involved.