Friends with kids vs. Friends without

posted 2 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

eecuadrado:  My BFF doesn’t have kids yet, and she may not be able to, so I am very careful not to do the whole “you don’t have kids yet” or something like that because, even though I know her struggle, you may not know everyone’s struggle. They may not share it with you. I agree there are a lot of things that are easier to understand now that I have a kid. I don’t find my communication with her is any less, but she definitely does have a very interesting view on raising kids. It will more than likely be a wakeup call for her when she does have her own, but we all make first time parents mistakes (and I’m sure the mistake continue as we have more kids-we are human after all). But eventually we all figure it out.

Post # 3
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I starting seeing a man with a son over a year and a half ago, and I’ve become a HUGE part of his life.  So I see myself as a part-time mom.  Being in a Ph.D. program, the other grad students that are around the department the most are young (granted, I’m young too), and they can’t seem to relate to me anymore.  Honestly, I think they’re sick of me talking about my stepson and anything to do with my home life… but that’s where my priorities lie.  I actually started being fairly excluded from a lot of things simply because I usually can’t make it because of my kid.  Plus, they’re always going out drinking late, and I’d rather be home with my SO even on the days we don’t have my stepson.  I feel like I’m in a whole new world, and making friends as well as maintaining them seems more difficult.

I actually ended up setting up a playdate with a mom I met at a kids’ club at the local library, so I’m super excited to talk to someone I have something in common with!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  SeaOfLove.
Post # 6
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I try to focus on what we do have in common instead of what we don’t.

For instance, most of my close friends who don’t have kids have furbaby’s, and it’s always fun to compare notes on babies vs. furbabies. I find that I actually have a LOT more in common with them now (baby is now mobile and has started eating everything he can find on the floor, follows me around the house like a puppy, whines when he doesn’t get his way….etc), than I did before. Plus, they love any opportunity to talk about their dogs, just like I do about my DS, so it works out for everyone.

Other than that, we just talk about our day-to-day lives and talk about inside jokes from the 20+ years we’ve been friends, so it’s just like pre-baby!

Post # 8
Member
2527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

I’m not sure what it is that I’ll “get” once I’ve given birth, ha ha. I’m glad you are able to NOT say that, though! 

I don’t have kids, and I feel the same way- alienated from the people I do know with kids. I think it’s just one of those things where people are in different stages of life- like after you got married and you had a crazy single friend who still wanted you to go out clubbing with her till the wee hours. 

Sometimes these friendships can make it through the differences, and sometimes they can’t. Sad, but true.

Post # 9
Member
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

eecuadrado:  It seems like you’re asking other mothers how they feel, but as a TTC’er I’m going to chime in anyway. 

I’ve noticed that at 32, the world of my peers has been divided into the haves- and the have nots.  I find it crappy that parents feel they can’t even converse with people who have-not because they don’t know enough about children yet.  I have a dog and a house with a mortgage— should I not converse with people who’ve never bought a bouse because they don’t know what it’s like yet?  Or maybe I should avoid cat owners since they have NO IDEA how needy a dog is. Extreme examples, maybe…. But it IS mean to avoid certain friends because all you can think about is how they have no freaking clue.

Post # 10
Member
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

eecuadrado:  I just try to focus on what we have in common. I don’t have kids and don’t ever want them, I have a couple of friends with kids, and if they did the whole “you don’t get it because you don’t have kids” thing I would definitely not want to hang out with them- simply because it’s a wildly rude and arrogant thing to say.

I don’t think courtesy around people without kids is different than any other type of manners. If you had a friend who was a heart surgeon, you wouldn’t appreciate him/her repeatedly telling you that you have no appreciation for your life because you’ve never personally saved a human life. That would be insulting and arrogant, it presupposes what you know and have been through, and it places the highest importance on something that they chose to do while belittling your choosing not to.

I think generally speaking, people don’t like being talked down to about anything- unfortunately I think when people feel they “know better”, it is often apparent whether they say it outright or not. I guess I’d just try to keep some perspective on the situation, no one knows everything about everything- the world is a huge and unpredictable place, lots of people have been through lots of things that are life changing and impossible to understand unless you’ve been through it yourself. 

Post # 14
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

eecuadrado:  I think rather than focussing on your differences, you should focus on things you have in common. Let’s be honest here. Nothing much has changed in the last few months, except you had a baby. Your friends still have all the same interests and lives that you shared before you had a baby.

There is absolutely no reason that a baby needs to come between you and your friends. There are plenty of things other than baby related topics to discuss with your friends. There are lots of activities you can still share. You do not want to become one of those mothers who cannot talk about world affairs, things going on in your community and your friends’ lives because you have enveloped yourself in “babyworld”.

You also do not want to appear to take on some superior position or expect to be seen as an expert because you have a few months experience as a mother. That will be a huge turnoff to your friends. We all have a lot to learn when we become parents. We do not become instant experts.

Yes there will be things that your childless friends do not “get”. But always remember that there any many legitimate opinions about child rearing, and they, in fact, may be right.

Post # 15
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m the first of my friends to get married and have a baby (currently pg) and I’m the opposite… I’m hoping that my friends will still want to be around me after the baby is here, because I’ve found that people assume you DON’T want to hang out with them anymore once you’re married, having kids, etc. unless you explicitly tell them you’re still available. 

I agree with PP, you’ve had a baby but you’re still the same person… Just focus on what you have in common!

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