Friendships change after wedding?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
3271 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

I am experiencing the same thing. It really hurts. I didn’t call or text my supposed best friend/MOH this week and wasn’t suprised when she didn’t either. She hasn’t asked me how I am or what I’m up to in months. She acts like the wedding was this huge ordeal for her. I covered her dress, room, all the extras. All she had to do was drive there and pay for her dinner the night before. I am sorry you’re going through this too. I put my faith in her to be supportive and be a friend and she is failing miserably… I’m just lost, especially since everyone else has moved overseas.

Post # 4
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Daizy914:  Congrats on your marriage! Yes the same thing happened to me, I lost a friend after my wedding. She just changed.

Post # 5
Member
3271 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

@Mrsluckywife:  What did you/she do? Did you just stop being friends? Did she ever explain why she changed?

Post # 6
Member
3271 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

@Mrsluckywife:  What did you/she do? Did you just stop being friends? Did she ever explain why she changed?

 

My husband explained it to me as: we are in stable (ish) jobs, we own our home, we are married… we are set (on paper) and she can’t handle that she doesn’t have any of that.

Post # 7
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Daizy914:  I can relate to this! I have a good GF that I enjoy being around.

Our friends have all moved around the country. So we dont see each other much, but when I am near her place, I have always made an effort to call/text to ask to hang out and she rarely responded in a timely fashion. It struck me as off, but my other friends have had very similar experiences with her. I was in her wedding this past year, and I did try calling her once after the wedding without an answer– not to mention the number of times that I called before the wedding without an answer. 

So basically, I havent made an effort to contact her and won’t be. I agree that it’s incredibly selfish and rude to not make an effort in a friendship. And it IS sad– seeing that your GF was someone you sincerely enjoyed being around. Perhaps it’s personal, or perhaps she’s like my flaky friend and just doesnt have the ‘time’ I guess to make contact. 

Post # 8
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

My PA is giving me the same treatment. She was salty that I didn’t ask her to be a BM (even though I was her PA in her own wedding). She is also going through firtility issues with her hubby who recently found out he has low sperm count.. IDK – there has to come a point where you come to terms with the fact that somebody’s absence or silence from your life is not about you – it’s them.

As for the rest of my BMs we are all on speaking terms.. So that just reinforces that is it SHE who is going through something. Yes it hurts, but you cannot dwell on it. Send her loving energy and occupy your time with something / someone else. 

Sorry you’re going through this!! I totally get it! Don’t let her steal your joy of just being married 🙂

Post # 9
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t condone letting friendships wither like this, but I really, really don’t think that married couples have any idea–because I don’t believe that they’re doing it intentionally–how inherently uncomfortable they can make single people.  As the sole singleton in my social circle, I see the inconvenience that I represent all the time.  I see the little looks of “oh” flash across their faces when they realize that they’ve been talking about house/spouse/kid things for the last hour, and, even though I know that it isn’t intentional, there is such an assumed judgment against people who aren’t coping with these three issues.  Furthermore, I know I’m spoiling the fun of the host or whoever else has been stuck making small talk with me when all the couples are dancing or doing other couple things; I know they’d rather be with their spouse or partner.  It’s a bad feeling to be an inconvenience. 

Again, I deal with this by organizing a lot of smaller events–usually dinners out–where I can keep myself busy in the hostess role and where I can have more intimate conversations with my friends that move beyond the holy trinity of couples topics.  It’s expensive and it’s hard work, but I value my friends and I know that they don’t intend to make me feel like the proverbial albatross at their social events, so I design my own instead. 

And just one more time: I don’t condone suddenly not talking to friends.  That’s not cool behavior and I’m sorry that your friends are doing that.  Hopefully they will realize the value of the friendships that they have with you and they will take the initiative to invite you out to situations where they feel more comfortable if they are indeed having trouble “adjusting” to your new status in life. 

 

Post # 10
Member
3271 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

@MarriedToMyWork:  

 

I don’t understand the bit about judgement against those who aren’t dealing with house/spouse/kid things. What do you mean?

Post # 11
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee

@sherryberry:  Oh, it’s just that moment when they all collectively look at each other, gently sigh, and change the topic with this sort of “well, since you don’t do these things, I guess we’ll talk about something else for awhile so we don’t appear to be rude” kind of air.  The implication, of course, is that if I was a real adult, I would have a house or be married, etc., but since I’m not, they’ll talk about something else for a little bit to be nice.  There’s always just this awkward feeling of “what are we going to do with the dateless third wheel here?” at these sorts of gatherings. 

Again, this sort of awkwardness doesn’t manifest itself in other types of social arrangments, so I just work to create those arrangements instead!

Post # 12
Member
3271 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

oh, I wonder if we have done that? I don’t really think so…

Post # 14
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@sherryberry: my friend kind of started acting funny during the wedding planning. I asked her to be bridesmaid as I thought we were really close and she would be excited, but she just seemed disinterested and became more and more distant. She let me down a lot over the hen do (bachelorette) too. I do think there was an amount of jealousy on her part looking back and also a sense that I was moving in a different direction to her. She is not married, and we do seem to be in different places now, even more so since I had a baby. We never actually discussed the issues, but we just..drifted, and don’t have so much in common, and when I do see her it’s like we are both different people. I guess we both changed, I don’t know…it’s hard. Good luck with your friend x

Ps, when I said I ‘lost’ a friend, I guess I meant in the sense that I no longer consider her a real friend..we never actually ‘split up’ as it were, but I see her more as an acquiantance now.

Post # 15
Hostess
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Daizy914:  When’s the last time you tried to reach out to her? Maybe she is sitting at home thinking you havn’t called her….just wondering. I had family members get mad at me becuase I never called them in like a month, but the thing is those poeple never called me within that month either….so I always like to say it’s a 2 way thing.

 

Post # 16
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 It happens, and it’s more common than you would think. Usually, the wedding is when  some friends realize that their paths are diverging, and the person who got trashed with then every weekend in college isn’t the same person anymore.  Priorities change, some friendships make it through those changes and some don’t. Give her a chance, and don’t give her a hard time if she  does call in a couple of weeks. Just don’t be surprised if she becomes more of a friendly acquaintance than a friend.

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