@Mrs Hedgehog: Me too! I’ll be fired up for a while and stick with a great fitness routine and then something happens, like a cold or just anything that messes up my routine, even vacation, for example. Then I get lazy and it feels damn near impossible getting myself back into my routine again. Mainly what motivates me is when my clothes start feeling a little too snug. I have one pair of jeans (size 2, Lucky Brand, so in reality a size 4 or 6 probably) that are my test pair. If I can fit into them I have less self-hatred, lol.
Right now I’m a little nervous to even try to look at them, let alone do the wiggle on the floor and struggle with inching them up bit by agonizing bit. I always wonder why it takes me feeling FAT to motivate me, I don’t like this part of myself. When I was much younger I struggled a lot with being too thin but still feeling fat (body dysmorphia a little bit, maybe). I got down to 99 pounds and still felt “fat.” I think this came from my mom’s “fat phobia” and criticism of my friends who were gorgeous and perfect in my eyes but she’d make comments about, “Your friend is so overweight. And she needs to wash her hair.” In all fairness, my mom was somewhat jealous because she wanted to always be my “best friend,” so I was aware on one level that her criticism of a girl of age 16 who weighed maybe 115 at the most was highly inaccurate. But it gave me a complex, I swear. Even though my mom never criticized me! She was tiny herself, a size 2 or 0 all her life, she had a perfect figure. At any rate, there is always a voice in the back of my head, no matter what the size label on the clothes is or what the scale says, that I’m “too fat.” And it puts me in a vicious cycle of never being happy with myself no matter what weight I am.
I was doing better the last few years, even once gaining up to a size 6-8, and I was ok with it for the first time. I still felt sexy, although slightly more voluptuous, but I was ok and didn’t go through my usual angst and self-condemnation. After my divorce I got more active, also got certified to teach fitness classes, and got in better shape than ever for a while. I was happy with my body for the first time in a long time. However, my FI, not really knowing my background with this problem, made a comment when we were first dating like, “Wouldn’t you be happier if you lost a few more pounds?” or something along those lines. It crushed me! Literally, absolutely crushed me. I cried, even, and I never cry.
I was so pissed off at him! It made me feel right back to that girl in high school again struggling to feel good about myself at 112 pounds and hating those “2 pounds” I “needed” to lose. I was so obsessed with counting calories, and working out constantly. But I was miserable when being that obsessed. So I now have to walk a fine line between staying motivated to work out (eating healthy is relatively easy for me) but not going overboard with it.
So, that’s the long answer. I really don’t know how to get motivated in a positive way, as I should. I usually “feel fat” long enough that I get tired of feeling that way and it gets my butt back in gear. I’m sure there’s a better and more healthy mindset but this, unfortunately, has been mine for years. I really, really want to stick with a routine and do well with it most of the time, rather than my on-again, off-again cycle.
And right now my motivation is my wedding dress. I have been literally having nightmares about it not fitting me any more (and I haven’t tried it back on since I bought it a few months ago). I’m terrified. What if it doesn’t fit and the seamstress can’t let it out? Ugh. This reminds me I need to go to the gym today after work. 😉