From sanity to 'zilla-hood – will they ever come back?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Wow, sounds like you’ve got it bad. I think weddings def do bring out the drama in people. Your FMIL sounds like some one to keep an eye on, a give an inch, take a mile kind of person. having a supportive FI makes all the difference in the world, doesn’t it?!? I’ve experienced some mild drama myself, and having my FI say things to me like, “I want what will make you happy” and “whatever you decide I will support” (not for every decision obviously, just for the times I was conflicted) has been so affirming. We chose well!

Post # 4
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

rachel85:  All of this is why we are paying for our own wedding. I’m sorry OP. This sucks. 

Post # 5
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Villa Celeste

Oh jeez, reading this alone just gave me exhaustion. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. My parents nearly drove my little sister MAD when she was planning her wedding five years ago, which luckily for me they learned from and have really backed off when it comes to me. Although that doesn’t mean everyone didn’t get a little peeved when the FI and I decided to switch from our original plans to a destination wedding. But like PP we are paying entirely for our wedding, so while we respect and listen to their opinions, (which are few and far between) we’re doing our own thing and are happy they will be guests and bystanders.

It sounds like your FI is really helping you and vice versa. I’m sorry again this is all happening, but you seem to have your wits about you, unlike your in laws and parents, so keep holding your ground. I’m sure it will all come together for the wedding, and everyone will have a great time. 

Post # 7
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

rachel85:  I feel for you because I am going through the same thing with my mom and FMIL. FMIL has invited every extended relative she can think of pretty much just to come up with people to invite since she doesn’t get along with her siblings, which, since my parents are paying, irritates my mom. My parent’s guest list is about 2x bigger, but I still understand why this annoys my mom (it annoys me and FI, too). Unfortunately, we can’t say anything b/c FMIL will be “hurt” because everything is “special” to her… i.e. “it would be really special if  my great aunt’s ex-husband could be there, he was so nice to me 50 years ago…”

Meanwhile, my mom is happy she and my dad can do this, and love my FI like their own son. However, FMIL gave my mom ZERO guests for the rehearsal dinner, while FMIL is inviting 2 siblings and some of FI’s cousins. FMIL says there is no room, and there is no way FI can reason with her. My mom is mortified she can’t invite my 2 aunts, who threw me a shower and have helped out tremendously in the wedding, moreso than the bridal party. Unfortunately, my mom’s frustration comes out as anger towards my FMIL that I have to hear about every time wedding planning comes up, and I’m  heartbroken that this is the way it is oging to be between our moms. 🙁

Post # 9
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

rachel85:  I really hope so, but also I know my mom can hold a grudge for a very long time… that’s the part that hurts me… knowing that she would rather hold a grudge and make life difficult for me, instead of putting it aside to help me and support me in a transition to being a wife. I could use constructive advice with FMIL (my mom also had a difficult MIL) instead of ongoing, nonproductive rants from her. It hurts.

Post # 11
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

rachel85:  oh gawd lol…. well I’d like to say it gets better…..but…. hahahaha ugh its hard. I had the same thing (DH is only son and they are from italy so its like “attachment city”). Everything in our relationship was fine…. we went to their house every second sunday for dinner, other then that calls, holidays etc same as you. Once the wedding was in full swing it was all drama about similar things and also about “loosing their son”: Oh we never see you guys, our time together needs to be more more mooooreee. The asking for more invites…. you name it.

unfortunatly for me things have stayed rough with the inlaws…. we never had “official” boundaries per say (because they would freak out, but considering whats been going on my DH better get on board with telling them or ELSE), but I feel like they have resentment towards me because until I came along DH was living at home, and they were involved in E-V-E-R-Y aspect of eachotehrs lives (whereas now were even more separated in terms of time spent, emotional separation, and the sharing of financial info).

I mean IL’s basically think what is ours….is “theirs too”, and recently there was (wont get into it) but lets just say an expectation we would be forking over everything in our savings and the willingness to take out a loan for like the amount of a mortgage so FIL could have his own business…… YA, like Im EVER letting THAT happen!!! We JUST got married, JUST moved into a new home with a new mortgage, and are actually TTC (they dont know that), and they just acted like ya this is a totally normal request… lol. (and Im sure they think if “she” wasnt in the picture “our son” would have done it)

Im sorry to say but if your having issues you know is stemming from them having a hard time letting go, its gonna get worse closer to the wedding and there will probably be residual afterwards.

Your mother will get over it and things will be normal with her again as soon as the wedding is done lol.

OH and as soon as your married you will then start to endure the hell of these things but in ref to your popping out a kid asap……we’re having a really hard time with the parents harassing us and they dont even know we’re TTC!!

Post # 12
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

AND you stand up for what you want to because THAT will set the tone of how they see you (know they cant get away with shit!) If you bend and be passive thats what they will expect from you….my FIL gets real passive aggressive with me now because Im actually speaking up and standing up for myself….and he dont like it at ALL lol

Its one thing if he had ONE sister (like mine) but thats a bit much to ask if they all can be a BM…. tell them NO and they can do other things!

Post # 13
Member
1931 posts
Buzzing bee

That stinks! My MIL is the opposite of my mom, she can’t wait for us to get married- except she threw a massive crying tantrum about how he’s ruining her life by not getting married in the Catholic church. We’re not even engaged yet. My mom, on the other hand, has loudly proclaimed that she never wants anything to do with my future wedding- will not be helping me pick a dress or flowers or venues and may or may not show up. 

Post # 14
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

We have picked and not picked so many battles durring the wedding planning process, that I can’t even name all of them. But here are a few of the latest family-zilla moments;

FFIL wants us to meet up with his sibblings that are coming in to town Thursday night. These are the same sibblings that will be at our rehersal dinner and morning after brunch. That got a lot of no’s from us, and a lot of pouting from FFIL. FI and I are pretty firm that we just can’t due 24 people Thursday, 36 people Friday, 220 people Saturday, and 30 people Sunday. It’s just too much.

FFIL also said he may take a change of clothes so he doesn’t have to be in his tux that long. I guess if he really wants to he can, but both FI and I looked at eachother and where like “Really?” I mean, I don’t expect coat, tie, and all the buttons done all day long, but I will be in a huge dress and hoop skirt, he has no room to complain about being uncomfortable 🙂

These are just the most recent examples. There have been many of other pain points. My mom is insistant about a lot of things that I don’t care about, and would preferably not do (full mass being one) but am giving in on because I don’t have the energy for that battle. My FMIL has a problem with putting words in my mouth (and in everyone else’s too) and it has made certain communication aspects at best annoying, at worst making me look bad for something I didn’t say. My dad at least only drives me nuts through inaction. 🙂

I think we all love our families, but when it comes to weddings, I think they forget the people who it is about (bride and groom) and start thinking about EVERYONE else.

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