Post # 1
I have been engaged to my ridiculously cute fiancé for just over 6 months. We have been together for five years and engaged for seven months. We are the best of friends and have been through a lot together as a couple. Fiancé is a shy, introverted person that avoids conflict and says as little as possible when it comes to contentious subjects. His family don’t show their feelings often and keep conversation light and dodge conflict.
As soon as we got engaged we announced we were going to elope. This was a) financial b)because of my sister being unwell and c) because we are shy and wanted it to be stress free. I asked fiance’s Mum if it was ok and the whole family and both times fiance’s Mum said, “I’m not bothered”. In the past she has always acted like things are fine when they’re clearly not or refused to acknowledge a problem or admit to being a bit “off” and acts as though I’ve imagined it or am too sensitive. This has resulted in problems so I thought it best to not try and have a heart to heart elopement talk with her. Fiancé refuses to discuss it. In the weeks before we were meant to leave for our trip and elopement (religious wedding) FMIL would comment on our trip but avoid talking about wedding. We invited her to a seperate ceremony at home and she said she would try and pretend to be sick from work so she could come. Neither of my FSIL replied to the email invite for legal wedding. When I confronted one FSIL she said that she pencilled it in her calendar but said it seemed really casual and like she didnt need to reply. Nobody mentioned our wedding and they were just really quiet about it. We ended up not going overseas or getting married and had decided to delay our plans until next year. FSIL and MIL are just incredibly cold but deny anything is wrong. When we lived together my FSIL used to ignore me for a week or more because I kept eating her chocolate (I always replaced it but couldn’t resist late at night) and just generally got annoyed with me. I sense that fiance’s family have a passive agressive way of dealing with things. I think what makes me feel sick inside are the jabs and little comments that go over fiance’s head. It is so covert, cold and passive and they deny everything so I never know if I’m delusional, sensitive and crazy/imagining things. My fiance would totally back me up if it was obvious but not this. It’s hard to explain because the exclusion and coldness is so subtle. Please help 🙁 sad, stressed & feeling alone.
Post # 3
@allybee2013: Listen: you cannot fix a problem you don’t know about. If you have asked these folks what their problem is in an attempt to clear the air, and they give you radio silence, then the ball is in *their* court. Again, ya can’t correct something if the offended party won’t tell you what’s wrong.
Try not to lose sleep over this. Just keep being a nice person to them, and that’s is really your only obligation.
Post # 4
@allybee2013: Meh, I think they’re probably upset because they weren’t invited to the overseas ceremony. These people who aren’t emotionally mature enough to discuss their feelings like adults are the ones with the problem. Not you.
Why could’t your FH say something to them, though? I understand not liking confrontation, but that’s no excuse to leave you to deal with his family treating you like this. Nobody likes confronting people, but adults talk about things so they can be resolved. It sounds like he is as bad as them about not discussing problems.
Post # 5
I whole heartedly agree that he is a baby too ! Although on the occasions I’ve spoken to his mmum and been direct/honest/heart to heart she has accused me of imagining things and being crazy. I can sort of see why he has decided to not confront.
Post # 6
Ps: thankyou both so much for your advice and support. It is late here in Australia and I was sort of losing sleep over wedding politics/planning :/ this forum is the best !