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Awe I am sorry!
I completely understand why you are upset!
Do you know what your friend is going through personally right now? Do you think that what she is going through could be a reason why she might not have been so excited? I hope for your sake that she is going through some stuff and feels bad that she can't be there for you and that's why she was hurt when you "replaced" her! As far as the vacation goes I would be hurt about that too but maybe it was already planned before you announced your wedding? I would hate for you to throw a 24 year friendship away - I know that it is really hard with the distance and I would bring it up and talk to her about it! Let her know how it hurt you for her to say that maybe you should replace her but you did it because you were unsure of her availability to come!!! I think this could all be worked out if you talk!
As far as you FHs Aunt and Brother - have the declined the invitation already (almost a year in advance)? That seems a little odd and yes you would assume that they would do anything to get there and I understand why you are hurt; however, the economy is hitting some people very hard and who knows maybe something happened between now and July 4th in why they cannot come! I hope for you and your fiance's sake that they will be able to make it in the end but you are a year away still and so things might turn around and go right for you!
Good Luck with the planning and try to talk things out with your friend I am sure she does care for you a lot! *HUGS*
@ Future Mrs. Martin:
Thanks for the insight. My best friend is not going through anything major other than being a single parent but, money obviously is not that tight otherwise she wouldn't be going on overseas vacations which she planned AFTER I asked her to be m.o.h. As far as her being hurt that she was replaced, she was the one who told me to do what was best for me, resulting in me choosing someone else who I could rely on. Don't get me wrong, I felt awful breaking the news and I still feel bad- I didn't want to hurt anyone. I have apologised to her va e-mail for going with the other girl and she has said it was fine but, I get the impression it's not with little offhand comments here and there that she makes.
Fiances family told us as soon as we announced that our wedding would be in Ohio that they wouldn't make it, this was way before the 4th of July so there really is no excuse for them. I wish there was. Since they told us they couldn't go they have purchased expensive concert tickets, taken trips and of course there's the $600 worth of fireworks. 
I guess I'm just bummed because it appears that so many people are being rather flakey or maybe I just expect too much out of others.
I don't want to come across as mean or anything, but really, if your friend had planned and budgeted a trip, you can't expect her to drop it just because now you're getting married. And if your relatives had already made plans for that weekend....it's sort of the same deal. Everyone's life is not centered around your wedding, and you can't let it hurt your feelings if someone can't make it.
As far as your friend not sounding enthusiastic....everyone reacts differently to news. She may have felt flattered, but not every girl dreams of being a maid of honor, and not every girl screams and is giddy when someone else announces they are getting married. It's just a difference of personality. Again, you can't take it personally.
Finally, I think she was trying to do you a favor by telling you to choose someone else, to make it more convenient for you. How much planning and help could she have been as a MOH from Scotland? She would not have been able to organize or attend a bridal shower, she couldn't possibly have gone with you for fittings and dress shopping.....I think she was looking out for you.
I'm sorry, that does sound frustrating. Just a little perspective having lived abroad for a long time. If she lives in Scotland, Ryanair flights to Spain can be as low as 50 euros, round trip. Their low cost airlines are an entirely different thing over there. So what may seem like a lavishly expensive vacation to you, may really not cost much money. Unfortunately, that doesn't exist for flights to the US. She also might need to get a passport for her child (she wouldn't for European trips) which is expensive. So the expense excuse may be legit.
Unfortunately you cannot put too much stock into that and whom you cannot control. In the end, only two people matter and that is why you guys are making this incredible commitment to one another. You were in a tough situation and she gave you the greenlight to do as you chose and you did, she cannot fault you for doing what she didn't want you to. She should have though about it before she was so lukewarm about your offer!
At this point it is her problem, so keep calm and carry on!
sjbee: I understand where you are coming from and I agree about the flights, having lived in Scotland for over 21 years I know that flights to and from Spain with certain airlines can be very inexpensive.....if only they were so cheap out to the U.S, eh? :P I'm sure her flight isn't terribly expensive but, then there is also spending, hotel and so forth and the fact that she is panning two of these trips before our wedding and started planning after I told her about the wedding. Personally I would sacrafice those trips for a best friends wedding, save the money and attempt to make the wedding. Her son already has a passport, he is a dual citizen of the U.S and Scotland.
I do see what you are saying though. Thanks. :)
Leafy,
I understand what people say to help explain, but I'm with you. We're in the same boat and I feel EXACTLY the way that you do. We're getting married in 4 weeks and we only have 8 (YES....8!!!) guests who are attending the wedding. I understand what people say about reasons, but c'mon 8?!?! I have also always been the one to do anything for anybody else and I've been to everyone else's weddings, showers, baby showers, first new homes, kids birthday parties, etc. Now it's my turn and not many people are returning the favor. It was expected that I attend all of their stuff, regardless of where in the country it was and how much it cost, but my wedding is not convenient or important to them. You're right though.......it sure makes it crystal clear who your true friends are. Needless to say, my fiance and I have already begun to re-evaluate our "friends" list and have made a resolution to find better and more true friends going forward and put our energies where it counts.
@ bridedenise: I'm sorry that only 8 people are turning up, how many did you invite? Like you, I always try to be there for others through new life chapters, it would be nice for the favor to be returned. I hate to sound so petty and childish but, I'm so annoyed about it all that I've got a sort of "I'll remember than" attitude. Oh man, thats not good- hopefully I'll get over it soon, I don't like to be a spiteful person.
Leafy,
We were intending to have a small wedding and invited/expected about 30. Not a lot, but we wanted a small, intimate, nicely done wedding. We're getting married in 4 weeks and just started to throw this together 4 weeks ago! Before we started to get this underway, we talked to everyone that we intended to invite to make sure that if we "jumped through hoops" to make this happen in a hurry and take on such a challenge, that people would be up for it. The part that hurts the most is that most all of the people that we talked to said yes, that they were in and they'd be coming. We even gave 3 potential dates to see if certain dates worked out better and EVERYONE said that they didn't have a problem with any of them.....just let them know when we made the final decision....which we did about 2 weeks later. Now, most of those people are the one's not coming (this includes family members) and I've heard so many excuses that they can't even keep their excuses straight. They go from one excuse in one conversation to another at another conversation. I'm just an honest, straight forward person and I don't like the BS. If you can't make it and you have your reasons, than it is what it is. BUT, had they been upfront about it, WE would have made different choices. Now, we're paying for a wedding for about 13K and eight people are coming! That's what's upsetting. We would have just eloped and splurged on things that we wanted for ourselves for the house or whatever. That's all. I don't think that it's petty or childish on mine or your part. I've ALWAYS been there for people and this has been so hurtful and now all I can think of is "what a waste of money," instead of "oh, I'm so excited to be getting married." BUT when all is said and done and the steam has blown over, I know that I will be with my true life partner and I just have to remember that that is priceless....and heh, we'll make new friends :)
@ bridedenise: Thats really appalling! You really went above and beyond to accommodate your guests and they let you down, they should be ashamed of themselves. What do your guests who are coming say about it all? I mean, do you have a Mother who has said anything? I would like to bring the subject up to clear the air and get it off my chest but, I just think I could be opening up a whole new can of worms- this one Aunt can be very spiteful and mean.
We are having a small low key wedding also, 45 ppl max will be invited.
The guest who ARE coming haven't said much.....aside from my fiance's older sister who keeps belly aching about it. I just keep telling him to tell her not to come too if she has to be like that. As far as I'm concerned at this point, she can be like everyone else. We only want people there who actually WANT to be there. Other than her and her husband, we have 2 couple friends who have been fine with everything and my mother and her husband. My mother is more excited about it than I am at this point. I'm sure that much of these current feelings will settle down by the time of the wedding and I'm really trying to make sure that the 2 weeks before, that I'm in "wedding mode" and de-stressing and not letting things get to me. I really want to prevent myself from looking back and letting this spoil the actual wedding day. It's already spoiled the weeks leading up to everything. I'm going to do my best to just forget everything that day and be in the moment......because when all is said and done, THAT'S what will be most important. Thanks for your input.....it's really helped me....hope it's helped you too :)
@ bridedenise: I like that you are in touch with the real reason for a wedding, so many brides loose touch with what a wedding truly is about. You're right about guests who truly want to be there, being there- I couldn't agree more. Best wishes to you and your very soon to be husband, I hope you guys have a beautiful wedding! Oh, and have fun making new friends, thats always interesting. :P
We are getting married in Logan Ohio, in Hocking Hills State Park, are you familiar with the area? Well at least that was the original plan, now we may wait and have it in California when we move there in 2011. Ah, the saga continues- haha!
@ Noelle-a-Belle: Sory, just noticed your comment.
I wasn't expecting or even wanting a shower etc... I was just expecting my choosen m.o.h to jump up and down and ramble on about how excited she was in some high pitched girly tone, a simple thank you would have been sufficent. As far as I'm concerned thanking someone for being asked to be m.o.h is pretty standard, it is afterall a compliment. Like I said in my initial post, she sounded like I had asked her an every day question.
Also, my friend planned these trips AFTER I asked her to be m.o.h and after she told me she didn't know if she could come because money was tight. The relatives have no plans for the weekend we are getting married, they said it was due to finances but, as I stated they then proceeded to brag about blowing up several hundred dolars worth of fireworks several weeks or so after we announced our wedding date, and then make other large (leisurely) purchases while still complaining about how broke they are etc... They go on the whole time about how they are sooooo close to FI, FI has said that this makes him laugh now because he feels like they don't have their priorities straight at all- basically that $600 could have paid for someone to come out but, instead they blew it up, literally.
On the subject about her "doing me a favor" by telling me to pick someone else, that was great but, for her to turn around and be offended when I did pick another girl is unfair. She burnt herself on that one.
I understand about trying not to take things personally but, it's a little hard not to when your best friend gives one excuse for not being able to attend your wedding then books two overseas vacations- I think you'd have to be very, very thick skinned for this not to irk you. :)
Thanks for the input. :)
I completely feel you on this one!! My fiances family is from Ohio and mine is all from Maryland so we decided to do what we thought was fair--have the wedding in between. Everyone has an excuse. We are not inviting children to the wedding so a lot of people are using that--like 'we never go anywhere without our children'. Oh, really--didn't you just get back from Italy for a week sans child?? And what is really amazing is that the people that are doing whatever it takes to come to this wedding are our friends and co-workers--not family or family friends who I've known my entire life!! I have to keep reminding myself that it is about who is there and not about who isn't.
Hi Leafy-
I guess I am confused by your initial post, because you stated that at the time of your asking her to be your MOH she mentioned her trip, but then later in your post you stated you were surprised when she went through and booked it? And as others have said, a trip to Spain from Scotland is far less expensive than a trip to the US from Scotland, so even if her trip to Spain is what she saved money for, those funds could not have been transfered to airfare to the US. I just think maybe you should give her the benefit of the doubt.
Later in your post you stated that "I don't have any family so having a m.o.h who can actually assist me with things is really crucial." which is why I said that actually, not having the friend in Scotland be the MOH was probably a blessing, she wouldn't have been able to assist you with much, IMO.
Also, I guess I just think you're reading too much into her disappointment about being demoted from MOH. You only mentioned that she said she wishes you could have waited to make your decision, which I think is a normal feeling, that YES she's disappointed. And she prob hasn't mentioned it again because for her, it's a sore issue. You didn't expressly say that she's been acting as if she's offended, just that she's not brought it up. I guess I don't know the whole story, but from your post, this is what I gathered.
As far as your relatives go.....I don't know whether this blowing up of fireworks is an annual thing, but if so, to them it may not have seemed like an option to forgo, and instead save the $ to go to your wedding. Also, your wedding is a year off, and idk when you were told that the relatives may not make it, you didn't clearly provide a timeline.....if they had already had the 4th of July 'celebration' and THEN you asked about traveling to your wedding....you can hardly fault someone for using that money before they were given the option of using it otherwise.
I guess my point is, instead of being hurt by people's decisions, which you can't change, you should give them the benefit of the doubt and let it be water under the bridge. And yes, maybe I am more thick skinned than some, but there's no use sweating over things that you have no control over. And yes it hurts to know that your wedding may not be someone's #1 priority, but really, in all honesty, it really is just one day and one event in your lives, and you shouldn't write off someone's feelings for you based upon their being able to attend your wedding.
Also, again, your wedding is a year off. Theres still plenty of time for your relatives to change their minds.
I'm sorry about this frustrating situation, Leafy! It sounds difficult and it is really hard to be far away from old friends, especially when it becomes to be apparent that you are growing apart and you just want people's blessings for your wedding. I jsut want to give a little perspective on what may be going on for people. Please try not to take people's financial and planning difficulties personally. I think we tend to have tunnel vision about planning our weddings and need to recognize that everyone has a lot of juggling going on with their lives!
I have totally been the BM and the MOH, or even the wedding guest who just wasn't that stoked about people getting married. A few years ago, my best friends were getting married right and left. I spent a whole summer working 2 jobs and even preparing for my own move across the country spending almost EVERY spare weekend going to weddings, I even missed my 10 year high school reunion because I had to choose between paying for travel to a wedding and paying to fly home for that. It was really expensive and I was glad to be there for everyone, but it was difficult. I was not in any kind of space to really feel the wedding love, I had just had a cancelled engagement one year before and was still pretty upset from that. I was very happy for my friends, but I just felt like it was a lot of pressure and took a lot of time out of my life, and I had a lot going on too. Nothing really obvious like getting married but I was moving, I was in graduate school, I was working a lot, etc. I feel from you how much it sucks that people are not enthused about your big day, but there really is time! Perhaps you can talk with the relatives to see if there are alternate options that can be looked at to reduce costs so they can make it? Like a different location or different accomodations? Just an idea.
As far as your friend you asked to be MOH, she should be able to go on vacation if she'd planned that for a while. While going to weddings is very fun, it isn't exactly a relaxing and rejuvinating vacation, which some people really need! (especially single parents, I am guessing). I agree with Noelle-a-Belle that your friend should be given the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps you can wait til after New Years to get an answer from her, she's being clear and truthful and doesn't want to commit to something she won't be able to follow through with. I didn't become engaged until last April and asked my friend to be MOH is May and that was fine w/ her (my wedding is in October) because she doesn't need to do a whole lot.
Whatever you do, just talk to your friend and relatives about what is going on. If you're feeling stung by their responses, let them know so you can know their perspective. It is difficult to do, but try not to make the assumption that they aren't happy for you and don't want to be there. I'm sure that isn't the case at all.
And enjoy! You have a lot of time before your wedding, enjoy your engagement and the whole process! It is an exciting time.
I so understand... I talked to my best friend about a month before my wedding and she said for sure she's be here (she lives in CA we live in DC now). We received her RSVP in the mail 2 weeks prior to the wedding saying she declined... no phone call, no email, no nothing just a no on her RSVP. When I asked her about it, she said she didn't have the money. Now this I can understand but we've been engaged for 3 years, the date had been set in stone for over a year, it's not like she didn't know; and she still should've at least TOLD me vice just sending her response... on top of that about a week ago (2 weeks after the wedding) that she just spent $300 on lingere! *sigh* oh well...
OH and out of 120 people invited we ended up with 32. We were expecting half, so 60 since we're on the other coast but that's barely a quarter! :-(
Thanks for the input guys.
To clairfy- m.o.h mentioned possibly taking a trip in the same conversation that I asked her to be m.o.h, nothing was booked at the time and she wasn't even sure she was taking a trip, it was just a general idea at the time. Since then she has booked two vacations so she obviously doesn't seem too concerned about the wedding.
The family blowing up the fireworks is not an annual thing. I mentioned to them months before the 4th fo July and before they had plans for the 4th that we would be getting married in Ohio.
I do understand that our wedding is not the center of everyones world, I really get that but, you'd think that close family and a friend of 20 odd years would save and make an attempt instead of just promptly telling me that they won't be coming....not even an attempt to save? And I'm supposed to feel like my friend cares when she will plan two vacations but, complain she wants to come but may not be able to make it. I honestly don't think I'm asking too much, maybe I'm delusional. Fiance and I had a talk about it last night and it looks like we may end up getting married in California anyway. I'm just going to concentrate on planning our wedding and send invites to all that we want to come and if they can't make it then so be it. I can't make folk come and everyone does have different priorities.
Thanks for all the input.
Leafy,
I'm still on your side. I still think that it's inconsiderate of people and I agree with you. Everyone's circumstances ARE different and obviously people make different choices, but I have another similar situation as yours. I have (or should I say had) a supposedly good friend of 20+ years also that hasn't even had the decency to respond to any emails or phone calls about our wedding, let alone rsvp. Let me just also add that not only did I attend her wedding that was in another state, but I was in her bridal party and did everything that she expected me to regardless of how inconvenient or expensive it was for me. At the time, I was out of work and spent over $1200 just to be in her wedding so that I wouldn't let her down. It was a stretch, it was inconvenient, it wasn't easy and on top of it, she was bridezilla the entire year before and overly demanding. I just sucked it up, because I just kept saying that "it was her day." Well, my day is here and she can't even respond if she'll even attend. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you sound like me.......putting other peoples feelings in front of our own. If I could go back and make different decisions and give more thought to going out on a limb for people when it was not exactly convenient or easy for me, I think that I would. I guess that I just always assumed that they'd do the same thing for me.......and I was dead wrong.
I believe that family and friends should drop everything for our weddings. I can see if there are truly good reasons like they have another wedding or there really truly is financial difficulty, or maybe even a health issue. My side of the Isle is looking pretty slim. People seem to be literally forgeting what it is to be family/friends. I have spent my entire life being there for my family and friends. I am the girl you call regardless of the hour, regardless of what I am doing and will help however I can, I would give you the shirt off my back kind of person. My MOH has left town for two months!!! Let me say again two months, she left on Sunday and will be gone until the first weekend in October, my wedding is at the end of October, but oh my goodness I am so worried she has promised to help with so many things and now I have to hope she really can pull it all off from so far away. My moms side of the family well lets just say that everyone was supposed to come, now only my mom and my Aunt are coming. Most of them are all here in town, or only a 3 hour drive away. My dad's side of the family are coming from all over the U.S. and they are all making it and I have been closer with moms side of the family. My feelings have been hurt repetativly since the wedding planning started over a year ago. So yes I agree with you. If we put family and friends before even ourselves they should return the favor without flinching. It is our big day and it is not selfish to be upset that they are not following through. I have had two emotional break downs and started feeling like a "Bridezilla" but really after thinking about it, I am not asking for anyone to do anything other than be there that is not being a crazy bride that is wanting to share one of the biggest adventures in my life with those that I love.
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Hi Hive,
my best friend lives in Scotland, I moved to the U.S over six years ago. I asked her to be m.o.h during a phonecall when I first got engaged, to which she replied "yes" like I had just asked her if she wanted a glass of water, no excitment at all- it was rather odd. I know she was happy that I was engaged but, I guess I expected a little enthusiasm when I asked her to be m.o.h- I know I would have been thrilled if someone had asked me, I consider that to be a real compliment. She also stated that she didn't know if she could be m.o.h until after new year when she would know if she could afford the trip however she also mentioned possible overseas vacations before our wedding so this irked me a little, how cna you complain about maybe not making our wedding but, you can take other overseas trips? A few days passed and I decided to e-mail her and mention this to which she replied something along the lines of "Sorry, I am excited it's just that I have a lot going on here right now etc..." I had also mentioned that I wasn't sure if I could wait until after new year (my original wedding date was June 4th), I was concerned that if she said no then I would have to ask my other friend after New Year and it would seem apparent that she was second choice. My best friend told me to do what was best for me so, I told her I would think the whole thing over for a few days and get back to her. I decided to have the other American friend be m.o.h because I could rely on her for sure and she is in D.C rather than being across an ocean (btw, my American friend was very excited!)- I don't have any family so having a m.o.h who can actually assist me with things is really crucial. I told my best friend and she said "I really wish you could have waited until after new years" and now hasn't mentioned the wedding since, I can understand her being dissapointed but, she was the one who told me to do what was best for me. Also this best friend is a single parent and would have brought her small child with her and had to have run around after him all day resulting in her not being of any help at all really. This whole time she said she would still try to come to the wedding depending on her finances however I just found out that she's booking a vacation for the next month overseas- this has been a little hurtful to me since it's clear where her priorities are. Here she is claiming she may not be able to come to her supposed friends wedding because of money worries but, yet she can book a vacation to Spain? I suggested to this friend that she could maybe say a traditional Scottish poem or toast at the wedding so she would still feel included- I know it's not nice to feel left out. So many other little things have happened and to be honest I don't feel like we are even on the same page anymore, this is sad considering we have been friends for around 24 years. I haven't said anything to her but, I feel that I would like air it out however, at the same time I don't want to deal with drama.
I'm just feeling a little burnt out on several folk right now, we are having the wedding in Ohio and many of Fiances close family members (including a brother and and Aunt who goes on about how close she is to my Fiance) said they couldn't make the wedding in Ohio becauses of Finances.......they have over a year or so to save a little money, maybe I'm just expecting too much. It just irks me because one aunt was blaming the economy then was just bragging about how they blew up $600 worth of fireworks on the 4th of July yet they can't afford to fly out to Ohio from California for a weekend? Honestly, I'm insulted. I hate to seem "everyone should drop everything for our wedding", thats not the way I feel but, I feel a best friend, a self procliamed super close Aunt and a brother should do everything they can to make the wedding- I know that if any of them where to get married I would go to wherever it was or least try my hardest.
I just feel like through all this wedding plannning it's really starting to show who truly cares for us and sadly it seems that it's not very many.
It feels good to have a vent. I hate to be the drama queen or seem like a selfish bride to be- am I overreacting? I can take constructive criticism.
If you got all the way down here, thanks for reading! Sorry it was such a long post.