Post # 1
This is my first post but I’ve been reading for a while. Thought it might help to write a post to get things off my chest. I’ve been with my SO for 8 years. I’m 28 and he’s 30. We’ve lived together for 2 years. Generally everything is good but the marriage thing has really gotten to me recently. After my close friends got married (who have been together the same time or less than us), I thought it was my turn. After a couple of holidays where I thought, this is it, I was disappointed and thought I should bring up whether he sees us getting married. I did and he said yes but not in the near future. I was really upset, but he said that he needed to be more financially secure and have a permanent job. He does have a job but the contracts are only ever temporary. Other people he works with have got married though and that doesn’t seem to be a problem for them. Also I have a job that pays well so we could afford to get married anyway. I don’t even want a big wedding. I just want to feel more secure; like I’m good enough. Eventually he said that we would get engaged this year but that we couldn’t get married until he had a permanent job, which could be a really long time away. I accepted this but carried on being sad and even starting to get angry, picking fights about little things because I was so frustrated. I brought it up again when we were invited to yet more weddings. He just didn’t seem to understand, saying that it is just me being jealous and about my status with my friends, but its not. In the end he agreed that we would get engaged this year and married next year. I still feel sad and angry though. Should I be happy? I still don’t feel like he understands. I don’t understand why he doesn’t just want to make me happy. It doesn’t help that everyone else asks me about it all the time. I just feel like I’m not good enough… Any ideas on how I can stop feeling this way?
Post # 3
@flowerbee2: Are you still happy with him?
Post # 4
OMG I read your post and it’s like I’m reading my own. I’m in the same position then you. We are together for 7 years, and living together for almost 2. We both turn 25 this year and he already has a job that he is not happy with (not the contract thing, he just doesn’t like it and wants to change), when people around started to get engaged I bought up the subject and he was like: “what? I didn’t even tought of that! I mean we are 25..” talk and says he wants to be more secure before doing anything else, that he can’t deal with 2 major things at once.
I know it’s frustrating 🙁 I feel ya… I feel very frustrated because I tought that once we moved in toegther, if things went well (wich they did) he would pop the question, but he didn’t saw things like that, and now I have to hear comments from other people like: “why buy the cow when the milk is free” because I act like his wife, taking care of him, but haven’t the title; makes me feel like he thinks I don’t deserve it, that i’m not good enough 🙁
So I completly understand your frustration, and I’m sorry we are both in this awkard place… 🙁
Post # 5
Im right there with yall. My SO and I have been together for 5.5 years, lived together for 1.5. We are older though late 30s, I’ve been married once before and he never has. Most of our friends are not running around with engagements usually which is probably good for my attitude’s sake. I know its coming because he said its time but that doesn’t make it easier.
He forwarded me an engagement party invite from a name I didn’t recognize, and instantly got pissed. Like you want me to go to one of your co-workers engagement party?? are you serious. Found out it is from our friends that are getting married next month. Just wasn’t expecting an engagement party so close to their wedding.
Anyway, the longer it takes him to do it, the more I wonder WTH is the hold up? My guess is he’s not going to do some grand proposal treasure hunt or anything complicated whatsoever. Waiting feels like punishment. Guys dont see it that way but it feels like it to me. And I know I don’t deserve it because I’ve been married in my mind and heart for years.
Post # 6
FI and I started dating at 15 and were together for 10 years before getting engaged, so I can understand being anxious. I think maybe you still aren’t happy because you had to prod him to get the answer you wanted, rather than him coming to that conclusion on his own and initiating the process of getting engaged. I certainly understand wanting the committment, but I would never be happy if I had to repeatedky ask for that committment rather than someone offering it to me on their own. Thats part of what makes so many of these waiting threads so sad to me 🙁
In regard to wanting to be financially ready. I can understand that to an extent, but honestly if you guys are doing fine right now then why do you need more money in order to get married? You don’t have to buy a house or have kids right away. More often than not I think the finance excuse is just that – an excuse.
Post # 7
NYCowgirl – Yes I am still happy with him, aside from the marriage thing. When I can put that out of my mind everything’s good.
LSimpson and Jen-in-GA – I feel better already reading your posts. It sucks that you’re in this situation too, but its good to know its not just me going crazy!
LSimpson- I had the exact same thing when I first brought it up. i don’t know how he could have been surprised – we are late 20s, together for a long time, living together, just been to the weddings of my 2 closest friends.
Jen-in-GA – I know what you mean about the engagement parties. A friend of his (being with his fiance half as long as we’ve been together) got engaged recently and he was congratulating them and I was like this is ridiculous – how can you congratulate them and not think marrying me is important.
Post # 8
I’ve noticed that guys get comfortable when they already live with you. It’s almost like security that you aren’t going anywhere so they don’t feel the need to propose. I finally had to kind of put my foot down and tell my SO that I wanted to be engaged by June of this year (that was in December).
At first I thought it wasn’t going to work, but then 3 months later he took me ring shopping and now the ring is ordered and being made. In my situation, he just needed a push.
It is hard when you practically have to fight him to propose to you. We’d much rather they just love us so much that they do it on their own. But let’s face it, most guys aren’t programmed like that. To a girl, getting married is the ultimate dream, but this isn’t the way men see it.
Post # 9
Hi, ladies 🙂 Did any of you think that your proposal isn’t here yet because he just hasn’t finished saving? I’ve been in the same boat > getting anxious about the engagement and whatnot (I’m in a almost-5 year relationship). I finally realized that it doesn’t help him knowing that I’m getting anxious. I mean, talk about it a few times, OK, since he has to know how I feel and we both have to put ourselves on the table as far as what we want for our future. But after that? After realizing that he wants the same things I do? I had to let it go as to not upset HIM. I mean, can you imagine being your man? You KNOW she wants to get engaged, but you’re just not ready, and she’s so upset all of the time, but you’re trying SO hard to save and you just need more time! … that’s how I look at it anyhow. It’s obviously not preferred to have to wait months or years on end, but if you know this is the one for you, just take the time to relish in the relationship you have: dating! One day you will look back and perhaps wish that you enjoyed the dating part of your relationship more, rather than stressed about getting engaged. And by NO means am I trying to say that you all aren’t 100% justified for feeling upset. Because it’s upsetting! You’re ready to take the next step and he’s not there yet. Of course you’re going to feel something! But like I was saying, if you take the time to appreciate what you have now, you will always have enough.
‘Be happy with what you have or you will never, ever have enough.’
And the happier you are with what you have (your dating relationship), the happier you will be when the time comes to take the next step. Happiness builds on happiness and it will just continue to build!… All of that stress and bad thoughts won’t do good for ANYthing. Besides from the obvious misery it causes us, and perhaps makes us grumpy/grouchy/what have you, it makes you focus less on what’s so good about your life. And at the end of the day, YOU’RE IN LOVE and you’re building a future with someone. Hopefully you can focus more on that than anything that you’re missing from your life. I didn’t mean to ramble but I really hope this helps 🙂