Post # 1
Hi bees. I’ve posted about this before, but I didn’t get any response. Without going into the details, a family friend who is very close to my parents, however an aquantaince to me is hosting my bridal shower. I’ve declined her offer many, many times for numerous reasons, but she still insists and has gone ahead with the planning.
She lives 4 hours away from my home, and there are no wedding guests within a reasonable distance to her home where she is hosting this shower. Because I could provide no guest list for her, she is planning on inviting my distant family and my moms friends(my mom is no longer with us), none of which are on my wedding guest list.
I know I cannot have people invited to the shower and not invite them to the wedding, but we are at our financial limit right now and cannot afford any more guests! Based on the amount of times we’ve discussed this, and she’s gone ahead and started planning anyway, I know there is absolutely no way out of this one.
I need to email her tonight, and politely ask her to keep the guest list to an extreme minimum, because I wasn’t planning on any additional wedding guests, and wouldn’t want to invite people to the shower only. I’m not sure how to say this. It needs to be firm and direct(because she obviously doesn’t listen to my input), but also still show my appreciation for her doing this. THEN, I also need her to send me the guest list ASAP so I can get those invites mailed out!
Any suggestions on how to do this without looking like an ungrateful jerk?
Post # 3
@sofialovesmikey: You are the guest of honor, not the hostess. Do not give her names and addresses. Do not mail out the invitations.
As Judge Judy says “You need to have clean hands” . If you mail the invitations you are part and party to inviting these people to your shower when they are not invited to your wedding.
If you keep your distance from the planning, her decisions will have no reflection on you.
Post # 4
Totally agree with the PP!
Post # 6
I would just give her the guest list you think is appropriate. Why leave it up to her when she could go crazy?
Post # 7
Thankfully bridal showers have yet to get here because they seem to be yet another minefield of etiquette! I realise that you are supposed to send invitations to everyone that goes to the shower but since you never asked for it and don’t want it hosted 4 hours from home by an acquaintance, can you not just duck out of it altogether or politely point out the complete impracticality of her hosting it?
If not and your guest list is full anyway then you just buck tradition and don’t invite people who haven’t already had invitations. Whatever you do is going to cause grief so choose the least stressful option!
Post # 8
No one is hosting a shower for me, and I’m okay with that, but that means my opinion is a little biased in one direction: It might be a tad awkward declining her offer, but if you state you are not going, she can’t have the shower and invite people who will not be getting invitations. That seems like the easiest way to get out of this one. Respectfully and warmly decline her offer and stand firm.
Post # 9
@sofialovesmikey: Maybe she’s hosting this shower because the women want to support you and celebrate your impending marriage. You’ve made it clear that you can’t invite anyone else to the wedding and you aren’t inviting anyone to the shower. In my mind that means you shouldn’t worry about etiquette and enjoy.
Showers are a chance for women in your community to celebrate you, to share stories and advice, and yes to give gifts. I have a feeling that she’s doing this for you and to honor your mom’s memory in her own way.