Frustrated and sick of obsessing!

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1716 posts
Bumble bee

I really don’t like the fact that you can’t even talk to him about this issue without it erupting into a fight — and with you still not getting an answer. That is not good, and I don’t think it bodes well for marriage. You should be able to talk about important matters with each other.

The proposal, engagement, wedding, and marriage will involve you, won’t it? That means you should have an idea about when things are happening. Knowing that the proposal will happen within two, three, or four months won’t ruin the surprise. Knowing the proposal will happen before or during a certain holiday won’t ruin the surprise, either. 

Sometimes you just have to do things, even if those actions will upset people. You may have to put your foot down about this so that you’re not just waiting around, clueless about your own life. If he gets upset about sharing even a “within three months” sort of timeline with you, you may want to reevaluate whether he’s the right man for you. 

Having someone wait for months on end for an event as important as a proposal is not kind.

Waiting on someone while they have you wait for a proposal for months on end is not well-advised. 

Post # 4
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Sometimes you need to step back away from the situation.  Start focusing on you, go to the gym, shopping, meeting up with friends.  Find a new club but do something that gets you out of your head.  Your making yourself sick over this.  I didn’t have too long to wait but I started going to the gym (we didn’t live together) and going to hang out with my brother.  Spent time on my stuff, reading, working with my dog, I went painting with my SIL.  I was really happy when he asked me, I got real joy.  I think if I had still been all wrapped up in my head, I wouldn’t have been so happy.  

I know it’s so hard but focusing on just YOU for awhile and not this thing hanging over you two might give you better perspective.

Post # 5
339 posts
Helper bee

@Rhopalocera +1000000. Discussing how you felt should have never erupted into a fight and honestly I dont think you should give up just because this conversation didnt go as planned. If you have something to say, then say it. I have had to find about 10 ways to tell my SO the same thing. and the best way way that always works is by letting him feel first hand what you are feeling. So like the @HisIrishPrincess said, get out, and do the things that made him fall in love with you in the first place, do all the things you would do before you became attached. and if that doesnt work, then maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship and whether it is something that he really wants.

On another note, my mom had me whe she was 41. She was waiting for the right man to come along. And he did, whe she was in her late 30s. and having children at that age was the hardest thing she ever had to do because she had to work, REALLY hard, in her 60s to send both me and my brother to college. And she has told me time and time again not to do the same thing that she did because it was soooo hard. So if starting a family soon is not what he wants, then you need to find someone who wants the same things that you do!

Post # 6
1178 posts
Bumble bee

@azgirl08:  You didn’t really say why he was stalling a proposal when you asked…Why did it erupt into a fight?

Post # 7
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Have you ever thought to propose to him?  Have you ever asked him what he’d think if you’r propose to him?

Post # 8
224 posts
Helper bee

@azgirl08:  Maybe he really wants it to be a surprise. My SO refused to discuss a marriage/engagement timeline because he wanna do it without me having a clue. But my friends were all talking about when they’re getting married etc and everytime they asked about us, I could say nothing. So I had a firm talk with my SO and that was when he started dishing…to the point that he told me last week that we will be engaged by July. 


I know u prefer to know but maybe he wanna do things the old-fashioned way, as I am pretty sure he knows that you wanna have kids soon. If you still cannot get anything outta him, threaten to leave him and see what he says. You will then know for sure where his heart lies. A lil tough love is good sometimes (my friends do it all the time lol). Don’t make a practice of it though.

Post # 10
173 posts
Blushing bee

@azgirl08:  whoa whoa whoa re: needing to be done having kids by the time you are 36

Most of the women in my family did not have kids until they were in their 40s and everything turned out fine. Things are very different nowadays with when your timeline for having kids “needs” to be. You can begin planning for your kids NOW. My mom had me and my brother in her mid-40s and had zero regrets. She and my dad had been together for 10 years and had a very solid marriage, knew themselves/what they wanted out of life and each other very well, and had already built their careers. They also were able to buy, renovate, and pay off the majority of the house, had a decent retirement nest egg, and had gotten in the habit of setting aside money for us for college before we were even born.

I’m all for, if you want to have children now, do it and if you don’t, don’t, but please don’t create a hyper-restrictive timeline in your mind. I think it’s easy to say “I want X by the time I’m Y years old” but honestly, life happens. What about having a teenaged kid when you’re in your 50s do you think will be so difficult?

Post # 11
1716 posts
Bumble bee

@azgirl08:  I don’t think you’re being strict with your time-frame for starting to have children. If you want to have children, you have to make that a priority. Finding a compatible spouse who is on the same page with you is a large part of that, and fertility isn’t anything to mess around with. 

As far as your relationship goes, I honestly think you might have to, at the very least, distance yourself from him. He needs some time on his own to think, apparently. I’m not saying you should do that in order to force him into marrying you, I just think that living together could make making a decision difficult. Distance may be for the best for both of you. 

Personally, I wouldn’t wait any longer for someone who is as indecisive as he seems to be. He can have all the time to think about what he wants while I move out and move on with my life. 

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