Post # 1
Hey girls, I just need a moment to vent. Here’s the situation:
– Since my FI and I have been dating, my FFIL has been unemployed. He does some odd jobs here and there, by my FI has been giving him money, amounting to $20,000.
– Since my FI and I have gotten serious, he has stopped giving his father money. I don’t agree with this and flat out told FI. Although it has been hard for FFIL to find a job, I think that a 22 year old college student should NOT be supporting his 50+ father.
– Now my FI and I are planning our wedding and finding we won’t have enough between the two of us to throw the kind of wedding we want. Neither of us want a huge blow-out wedding, but the area where we live is pricey and every cent counts.
– I suggested to FI that we need to ask his father to start repaying, even though he is still unemployed (although I heard he is close to getting a job). Don’t get me wrong, FFIL is a great guy and I love him, but he is TERRIBLE with money.
– So here’s the problem… what to do? I don’t feel bad about asking for the money, because it is after all FI’s money and now is when he/we need it most. FI seems a little unconcerned where I am stressed.
Post # 3
Since your FI seems like it doesn’t bother him, I think I’d wait until your FFIL has a job to start pressing for the money. It isn’t like he could probably give you much of a chunk anyway to help with the wedding, and all you’d be doing is causing tension since his dad can’t afford it.
I think it is great that you got him to stop, because I don’t think you should ever loan money that you want to see again to somebody without a contract (ie: family). But in the same vein, I don’t think you can expect to call in the debts unless it is something your FI really wants to pursue. I’m sorry. Money problems suck, but you WILL be able to have a wedding that ultimately you’ll probably love even without that money.
Post # 4
This is family business and this may sound harsh, but you aren’t family. I would let FI figure it out. You can tell him your feelings, but other than that it’s not really any of your business.
Post # 5
@farmgirl2106: thanks for your advice. the thing is, FI’s brother is moving in with FFIL and FFIL is making him pay rent. why couldnt he use the rent he is getting and repay FI? Ughhhh so frustrated 🙁
Post # 6
We have had to loan my mother money from time to time because like your FFIL, she’s just terrible with it. I can also tell you we’ve only ever gotten $250 back from her in the past 2 years or so. She just digs herself into holes that she can’t get out of. Basically, you can ask that he repay you, but likely, he won’t be able to and that’s just unfortunate and you’ll have to plan your wedding as if you don’t have that money. If he magically comes up with some, then great! But if not, then you never expected to have it to begin with.
I feel for your FI. I’m sure he doesn’t WANT to have to loan his dad money (I know I don’t) but he also can’t tell his dad no. It’s hard when a parent calls you and asks for money for something to say no.
Post # 7
Where do you expect FFIL to get the money? You need to leave it up to your FI. It’s really his money (was spent before you combined money, households, etc…) so it’s up to him to collect.
Post # 8
I just read your update but won’t your FFIL need that rent money so that he no longer has to ask for money? Was there any kind of repayment agreement when your FI gave him the money?
Post # 9
I’m kinda with mwitter80 on this one.
Until your finances are shared and they’re going into “ya’lls” home I’d kinda stay out of it.
Sounds like you FI has really already done his part in stopping the loans, although on his own I think he should have a right to will and support whoever he sees fit lol.
As for ever getting the money back… I learned a loooong time ago that you don’t loan money to someone with the expectation of EVER seeing it back from them. Unless it’s a reliable person and there is some kind of contract like farmgirl2106 said.
I would plan your wedding without the ideal of having money for the FFIL.
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
Ditto to what other people have said. I’d also like to throw in here that my mother has lent many family and friends money over her life, and the one thing she learned that she taught me is that all “loans” to family and friends, regardless of what they say, end up being gifts. She has never gotten money back from anyone. If your FI wants to throw a stink about it it’s his prerogative – but he’ll potentially be on the outs with his father for years. I’d consider the money gone and try to figure a budget w/o a contribution from your FFIL.
Post # 11
I really dont think you should be coming between your FI and his father. If FI is ok with waiting to get the money from his dad later then I think you should be patient too. If the guy is unemployed its not like he has the money and just doesnt want to pay. You may have kids one day and hope they will treat you the same way if you ever happen to be unemployed at 50
Post # 12
@runsyellowlites: I completely agree! Family and finances don’t mix…ESPECIALLY when it comes to loans. Don’t give money unless you can afford to give it, and consider it being paid back to be a bonus. Don’t expect it!
Did your FI tell his dad to start out with that he’d have to repay? Or was it just money to help him out?
My FI has helped his parents out many times over the years but he does it because he loves them and doesn’t want to see them in tough spots. I know that even though it would be handy to have that money back to spend on our wedding, it’s not going to happen (nor would I ever ask for it to!).
Post # 13
@Talishazwi: Actually no, he is paying the rent just fine right now with his odd jobs. and my FI has not given him any money for months
Post # 14
The other thing is- we wouldn’t be asking for the WHOLE amount back. Just the money FI’s brother is paying in “rent” – this would add up to like $5,000 before we get married.
Post # 15
@navybride4 I really would let the money go. Plan your wedding without it and be thankful that your FI was able to help like that. Most of the time family’s go through tough times and b/c their parents/other family members aren’t responsible either noone can help anyone.
Sounds like you FI is good with his finances and will be able to set ya’ll up without any worries and still able to help and give where needed.. and THAT’S pretty awesome!
Post # 16
Maybe I should also add the fact that the money was a loan- as in, FI took out a loan for the money and now we are responsible for paying it back. Does that make a difference? I am already losing my hair and I got engaged like two weeks ago…… LOL