- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 2013
this is mostly a vent…i’m not looking for advice really (and i’m REALLY not looking for judgment, so keep it to yourself if you have it), i’m mostly just trying to get this out off my chest.
we literally cannot afford to get married, as things stand now. we could afford the wedding by scrimping and saving (which we have been). the wedding isn’t the problem. the MARRIAGE is. i’m doing all i can but there’s only so much i can do! a little background…2010 was a stellar year for me. before that, i had it all: a job, a house, a loving husband, a baby on the way. in january 2010 i got laid off. in february, my husband died. in march, i gave birth to our son. needless to say, i kind of drifted through much of the rest of the year on autopilot, retreating to lick my wounds and just focus on taking care of myself and my son and getting to a place where i at least felt human again, instead of just existing as a dry, empty husk. i met FI in early 2011 sort of by accident…i was trying to meet people, but not really to date, just to have fun and feel alive again. however, the chemistry would not be denied, so after an appropriate period i sold my house (at a significant loss, unfortunately), and here we are. 🙂
the bad news is the income. being out of work for so long (33ish months at this point) plus my kind of weird/specific qualifications is a bad formula for landing interviews, i’ve been finding. it’s really depressing. right now my only income is social security survivor benefits, because my late husband paid into the system…i get a certain amount as my son’s guardian and also a certain amount for his care on his behalf (i know it sounds weird, like they’re both the same thing, but it’s literally some for me–that’s mine–because i’m his mother, and some for him for his care that i receive on his behalf that i must either use for his care/bills that benefit him or put into savings for him). as soon as FI and i get married, the first portion goes *poof*. that portion would also go *poof* if i get a job and make more than a certain amount per year. without me working, we literally cannot make our bills without that money.
and i can’t just take any job either. i have to take childcare into consideration as well as losing this money when calculating the minimum hourly wage i can accept and still break even, and working retail just won’t cut it. not even close.
there are three things that could change this:
- FI could get a bangin’ raise at his yearly review next month. my fingers and toes are crossed. he deserves one.
- i could miraculously land a good job. i’m still holding out for this one, since that was the original plan anyway and honestly i have no idea why it’s been this long with nothing. i started papering the area with resumes as soon as we decided that it was time for me to move out here. that was nearly 18 months ago though. 🙁 i don’t just want a job because i need one, i honestly really want to go do something useful BEYOND what i do here all day. there’s nothing wrong with being a SAHM, but being a SAHM was never in my personal life plan, certainly not being one when we really can’t afford for me to be one. i’m going a little bit batty here.
- when our lease runs out here, we plan on buying a house togehter…if we could reduce our monthly housing payment by getting what we need for as little money as possible…although this one is pretty farfetched. this isn’t the cheapest COL area around. i foresee a mortgage payment being a couple or even a few hundred less than our rent right now, but not more than that.
any one of these things would help, although any two or all three would be preferable. 😛 but until at least one of these things changes, we’re stuck in a holding pattern, waiting to start our lives together beyond simply cohabitating. it makes me so…GRRR…that we’re reduced to this. i think i’m thinking about it more because our *original* wedding date (oct 27) is approaching, but things didn’t shake out like we hoped. we really thought it would only take a couple months after i moved for me to find a job. postponing is kind of why i stopped posting around 6 months ago. (dec 28, 2013 is kind of a pipe dream too…if i can get work or something changes in the next 6 months, that’s the date we’re going for.)
anyway. thanks for lending an ear (or eyes, rather) and humoring me. it seems kind of stupid, but it helps to get this out, even if it’s only on a message board. in the meantime, i’m sketching out ideas for what i CAN plan (mostly my own look for the day) and bookmarking stuff for future reference. renewed vigor in these areas is what brought me back here after my long absence.