Post # 1
I would like some opinions. I dislike being angry and I want to move past this.
My weddings is 1.5 weeks away. I have been with FI for 7 years. We have never had money issues.
Best man gifted us $500. He gave it to us early as he planned a wedding a new we could do with some cash before hand. Best man has known FI for 7 years. i have known best man, wife and kids for 5 years. Best mans daughter is my flower girl.
FI and I agreed to use the money toward our honeymoon. Honeymoon (5K) was to be split 2 ways. I asked FI send me budget of what was left to pay and noticed honeymoon, my name, $2500. This was incorrect after minusing gift I should have been left to pay 2250.
i asked FI about it, he said no, you need to pay 2500, when I asked him what happened to 500 from best man, he played dumb and said what do you mean? I said I should only pay 2250. After some thinking, I said “FI where’s the 500?” I looked at 2nd spreadsheet with his budget and noticed honeymoon $2000. I.E he minused it from his total only. When I asked him why he did that, why I was paying more, he said it was his friend and that money should go to his expenses. I explained the money was given to us mutually.
I explained that I was really annoyed and it was very sneaky and thoughtless and he started swearing at me. He said I’m a fuc$ing b!tch and that he wants to cancel the wedding.
He hasn’t spoken to me in 2 days, am I in the wrong here? I didn’t tell, swear or get mad. I cried when he swore at me. Last week he said my Dad and I were fuc&ing idiots. He has never spoken to me like this and it’s all coming out now. I’m scared for my future. I can’t cancel my wedding, it cost $100K and I have more than 100 guests flying from overseas.
i don’t know what to do. Do I let it go?
Post # 3
No. In your heart of hearts you know that it’s only going to get worse. Think of if this was your sister of best friend telling you this- would you encourage her to tolerate being treated like that?
Post # 4
@Letsgoanon: That’s frustratiing but does it really matter if you are getting married? Won’t your finances be shared at that point?
ETA:I should have finished the whole post. Sorry. This is obviously about more than money.
ETA #2: Ok. I finished the post. Pre wedding stress brings out the absolute worst in people. I wouldn’t run to cancel anything. I would explain to him how the way he spoke to you was unacceptable and hurtful. If he’s never done it before now, things may just be getting to him.
I do think that you guys need to sit down and have a serious convo about how money issues and budgeting will be handled during your marriage though.
Post # 5
Um wow… that’s horrible. Run as fast as you can.
Post # 6
@Letsgoanon: OMG, that was a harsh reaction on his part. Although I don’t think the $500 is a big deal in the whole scheme of things, I can understand why you’d question it and there is nothing wrong with your questioning it. His reaction, though, took things to a whole different and very, very bad level.
He treated you with disdain and disrespect and used shockingly hurtful words over something relatively minor. Unless you’re leaving something out of how you approached him about this, if I were you I would take him up on his offer to cancel the wedding.
Don’t sign on for a lifetime of being treated like this.
Post # 7
@MrsM914: it will be but up until the wedding, finances were separate.
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
Are you joining finances after marrying?
And regardless of the cost of the wedding, I think he sounds like an immature asshole and would not personally be planning to continue with the wedding, but that’s your call.
Can you keep the wedding on but use a non-licensed officiant so that it’s spiritual in nature only? Getting legally married with these kinds of financial views/disagreements I’d be *really* worried. Finances are the #1 cause of divorce, and you guys are not on the same page right now – in the supposed happy time of marriage. What happens next year?
I know I’m jumping on the “bail on him” ship really quickly, but just from knowing people who act like it sounds he does… *shudder*
Post # 9
What a crazy reaction. Honestly, it’s a huge red flag to me. It could be stress, but in reality, it’s not okay. Plus, if you’re going to be married, what does the money matter anyway? Won’t it all just come out in the wash and work out since you’ll likely be joining finances?
Post # 10
@Sunfire: you summed it up a lot better than I did. when I questioned it I was casual and happy. I did explain that the money was gifted mutually and it was a little thoughtless to do that.
His reaction was major and I think that is what hurts, I know he is stressed with the wedding and work but its just not fair to speak like that, I wouldn’t do it. We’re all stressed with the wedding and work.
Im really hurt.
Post # 11
Wedding stress is not an excuse for his behaviour. I would be appalled if my SO spoke to me e that way, and you need to reevaluate how he’s dealt with conflict during the duration of your relationship. Has this happened before?
Post # 12
@Letsgoanon: He hurt you. He hurt you in the worst way by threatening to cancel the wedding. If you go ahead with the wedding brace yourself for every time you have a disagreement with this man he will threaten to divorce you.
If you can find a way out of this, I would get out of it. I’m saying this as a woman who was previously married to a cruel man. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Please think this through. Divorce or living in misery seems inevitable, based on what you’re saying. You’ll potentially be bringing a child into the mix. I did and I SUFFERED for it, so did my son.
Think about it, be careful. You don’t deserve this. He is showing you his true colors. It’s a warning to get out now, while you still can.
Post # 13
No, sorry. That’s fucked up. Why would he want to put you out like that? And, last I checked, a wedding gift to a *couple getting married* is to benefit the both of them. He’s being stingy, plain and simple. The fact that he played dumb makes his behavior even more jackass-y.
*I can’t cancel my wedding, it cost $100K and I have more than 100 guests flying from overseas.*
…do you know how much a divorce and the legal fees associated with it cost? The money thing aside, if someone called me a fucking idiot (or my dad), I’d probably cut my losses and move on.
Post # 14
Have you guys ever had a financial discussion in general? About general bills, joining accounts, how things are getting split between the two of you? If not, then I don’t think this warrants all the drama (primarily from him). If this is the first time finances have come up and it happened to be in a negative way, then you need to sit down and go through it all. You can’t start your marriage having financial problems. I’m not really sure why he (or you) is in a tizzy over $250. It’s not that much and surely isn’t worth the blow up.
If this is the first time he’s acted this way, I wouldn’t start running yet. He might be having some financial anxiety over the wedding. It will pass once everything is done and paid off. If he commonly treats you like this, then you need to decide if it can be fixed or walk away. I’m sorry you are having these feelings and I hope it gets better.
Post # 15
@letigre: I would say that I handle stress and pressure better than FI. FI has gotten quite worked up over things before but he hasn’t really taken it out on me before. Usually I calm him down.
His mum divorced his dad because he was abusive and angry. My FI has never hit me but this reaction was out of character mostly.
He spoke with such hatred when he swore at me. And i didn’t expect him to say he wanted to cancel.
I just don’t know what to do.
Post # 16
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
My FI called me an idiot once and I went BALLISTIC!!! He never said anything of the sort again because he doesn’t want to feel my wrath or deal with my tears. If he is using these disrespectful terms in regards to you, you need to nip it in the bud NOW. Hopefully he will see reason in this argument over the money, he clearly doesn’t understand the point of a wedding gift, which is to benefit the couple as a whole. I don’t know how stubborn he is, but if he hasn’t spoken to you for 2 days (when HE is in the wrong), it must be bad. Good luck!!!!