Post # 1
My Mom is driving me nuts. My FI are getting married in November and it’s been an uphill battle the entire time. Not with my FI, with my mother. She has fought me every step of the way. My ideas are terrible or too expensive or both. She set the budget and I am doing all of the planning. That’s fine with me, really, and I am busting my ass to make sure my (our) day is up to her standards but within budget. Unfortunately, my FI’s family isn’t involved financially or other wise so the Rehearsal Dinner is up to us. I would gladly skip it, but mother insists we do it since it’s a Southern tradition. I was fine with something small but she has rented a much more expensive venue with gradoise plans to blow it out. We are now fighting about a band for the reception. The band I want is out of the budget and I told her I would cut anything I could (I’m already paying for my dress, shoes, favors and other details) to have them. I would even compromise with a less expensive band to make her happy. Stlll not good enough. She told me it "wasn’t all about me" but about my guests. Now, I’m no Bridezilla but I do know that if I have one day that IS about me, it’s my wedding day. I told her I would make up the difference between bands and that’s still not good enough. Now, my parents could afford anything but I honestly think that she wants to hold it over my head to make me feel bad. At this point, I just don’t care anymore. Anything I suggest is wrong and anything I do to make her happy doesn’t work. I give up. She has ballooned the guest list up to 300 from 175 because she must invite so and so. I don’t even know so and so and I don’t really care. I get that that’s part of the deal. They pay and I shut up but I can’t have a decent band? Is anyone else out there experiencing parent woes??? They are seriously driiving me nuts and I just can’t wait to get the whole thing over with.
Post # 3
Hmm. Since you’re doing all the planning, do you think your mom would be willing to just give you a set amount of money for you to use toward the wedding, and then stay out of it? She’s free to do what she wants with her money, but maybe you could talk her into just giving you what she’d be paying anyway, and then you can do whatever you want with it.
Honestly, you sound really hopeless and unhappy. And this is your wedding, hopefully you will only have one, and I think you have the right to have the wedding you want. What you’re asking of your mom is not unreasonable, and you’ve offered to offset any financial strain having the band you want would cause. But, you can’t force her to pay for exactly the wedding you want. I would try talking to her again, tell her that you don’t think you’re being unreasonable and express to her how important certain things, like the band, are. Try to appeal to her maternal instinct and remind her that you’re offering very good solutions to the budget issue, with paying for the difference and/or cutting back in other areas. You didn’t say why she was opposed to the band you want, but maybe you could try to dissuade her from whatever her objection is.
And finally, as a last resort, one solution could be to do it all yourself. I don’t know if you can have what you want without her financial contribution, but one option would be to talk to her, say you’re grateful for her generosity but there are certain things that are really important to you. If she’s not willing to work with you (within the budget she gave you), then you’d rather go it alone. Giver her back any money she’s given you, tell her she can contribute whatever she’d like but that if she does, you’re going to use the money the way you want. Tell her also that if she wants to do X, Y or Z that are above the budget that you can afford, she’s welcome to pay for that herself. (unless it’s something totally awful.) This might not be possible, for example if you’ve already put down payments and can’t afford it without her. But if you were able to be financially independent with the wedding, you wouldn’t have to deal as much with unreasonable demands.
Post # 4
sorry about this…i had a somewhat similiar situation, BUT, my parents aren’t financing our wedding, so i eliminated the stress and drama by simply not telling her stuff.
perhaps you could apply this method to your planning…..simply make your decisions and inform her after the fact. as long as you stay withi budget, you should be fine. not sure if your culture or relationship would allow this, but this has worked the best for me. my mother didnt like my idea.s..felt that i was being "unreasonable’. i seriously think she was projecting many of her issues onto me. i dont understand whats unreasonable about wanting a manageable guest list that you can afford…but i digress.
the less your mother knows, the less she can harrass you. i’ve been engaged for 5 months with 5 more to go and ever since i shut up about what i wanted and planned to do, dealing with my mother has improved 100 fold.
Post # 5
I definitely didn’t intend to come off hopeless or unhappy. Frustrated? Yes. Peeved? Definitely. I appreciate all of your suggestions. I have tried telling her that we will pay for our wedding but, no, she has an image to uphold and that includes inviting everyone that she ever threw a shower/tea/whatever for. It’s a southern thing. I just needed to vent and was feeling a little strangled by the purse strings, is all. Thanks all.