- 5 years ago
- Wedding: February 2015 - Mount Hermon
I had no idea which topic to put this under, but I need some advice. This is sort of part rant, part woe-is-me and part begging for help.
I have been gaining weight steadily and slowly for several years. A couple years back, I religeously calorie-counted and made myself miserable and lost some weight. But my willpower completely collapsed and I gained it all back and then some.
A few months after that, right about the time I met Boyfriend or Best Friend, I was really upset with the way I looked. I have very little control when it comes to portion sizes. I tried to make myself be sick one evening, failed, and gave up. After we started dating, I told him what had happened. That was almost two years ago.
At the same time, I was noticing weird bulges on one of my legs that looked a lot like my grandma’s varicose veins. Sure enough, they were. I was 20 when I noticed for the first time. After over year of seeing a specialist and taking care of them, I finally got surgery done last november. My specialist (GREAT doctor) told me that the best way to keep them away is to keep my weight down. I am on the higher end of the BMI and he told me that I should lose a little. That was fine, I wanted to anyway.
So I entered the last semester of college with the goal of losing without making myself miserable. I didn’t calorie count or waste a ton of money on ridiculously healthy food. I tried to find a middle ground between eating healthy and spending a ton. I took work out classes and went to the gym. I did weights as well as cardio. During that semester, I gained 9lbs, the fastest I’ve ever gained weight. And just to rub salt in the wound, we had a big family vacation to Hawaii scheduled about a week after I graduated. I was 151lbs, and 5’3″, the heaviest I’ve ever been. I felt so gross.
My mom, who has always been generous, took me shopping for a bunch of new clothes for the trip. My last hope got dashed when I learned that I had not gained muscle weight and lost fat (like I was hoping), because I had gone up a size.
Now, I’m living with my parents while I try to get into a nursing school. Everytime I eat something, she tells me that I eat too much, that I eat the wrong things, etc. And she bought a new stationary bike that is totally useless. I can be on that thing for 40 minutes without breaking a sweat. I told her this and she said I’m using it wrong. How? It’s a stationary bike, not brain surgery.
I have asked her to stop, and even told her that I almost became bulimic a while back. She told me to stop being a drama queen. And when I did successfully lose weight, she was so proud of me!
I don’t have time to work out a lot. I’m taking classes to get into nursing school and I just got a job. And I HATE working out. I’ve met so many skinny girls that say they’re “addicted to excercising” or “get stressed when I don’t excercise” and I want to slap them into next week. I get stressed when I DO excercise, and I’d appreciate not being made to feel like a freak, thanks.
Oh, and skinny girls who try to empathize with me. You’re calling yourself overweight? You turn sideways and disappear. How do you think that makes me feel?
I am losing weight now. But I have severely cut back how much I eat. I still eat, just….less. I eat when I’m REALLY hungry, and only enough to make it bearable. And I’m sure that I’ll gain it all back when I stop, because I did last time when I was doing this the way you’re supposed to.
I do my best to be honest with Boyfriend or Best Friend. I tell him the truth, but I’m so ashamed of myself that I can’t help spinning it to make him less worried. And obviously he’s worried about me and discouraging this. But I don’t know what to do. Nothing works. I did everything the way you’re supposed to from January to May and gained 9lbs! Of fat, not muscle.
Help! I know I’m starting down a slippery slope, and I know that what I’m doing is unhealthy. But I’m out of options. I’d do just about anything to have that beautiful, toned, flat stomach that self-proclaimed “chubby” women have.