My wedding is coming up in July and I'm encountered with a wrong decisions that I've made and wanted to hear all your suggestions. I asked my two bestfriends, one from college and one from high school to be my bridesmaids. Knowing this is my dream wedding and don't want to put any financial burden on my friends, i offered to pay for their dresses and shoes, professional make up and hairs. Basically they only have to show up on my special day without having to worry about anything. With the wedding less than 2 months to go, none of my friends have open their mouth and ask whether I needed help or help plan for my bridal shower or even bachelorette party. As I'm sitting here thinking, am I too easy that's why they acted this way?! I need your help and input thank you!
Sometimes people don't act how we expect or want them too, even though to us it seems like a no brainer. I had a talk with one of my "best friends" about this, I'm not having a bridal party but she would have been in it if I was. Basically she didn't show an interest in the wedding and I finally confronted her about it and she said it was because she figured I had my sister who got married last year was better at this stuff. I just told her that it doesn't hurt to ask how things are going or just if I need help, it would be nice to hear. Also, if your bridesmaids are single and have not been through this they sometimes just don't know. I'm sorry this is frustrating, I would maybe just be open and honest with them about how you feel.
I completely understand your stress! I actually have 6 bridesmaids, but in actuality only have 1 true helper, and that is the MOH, and the other 5 are only there in name. I don't think you should take it personally, because I have been bridesmaids to friends previously and I can honestly say that I didn't understand my role until having to plan my own wedding. Of course as a bridesmaid, I make myself available for assistance if it is needed, but for the most part, I didn't do very much except showing up on the big day dressed up and having a good time. I think your bridesmaids feel like if you need their help, you'll reach out to them. Don't assume that they know exactly what they're supposed to do.
I have 4 bridesmaids. I have had the same issue with one of my MOH (I have two) that she may no longer be in the wedding. Sometimes these girls don't know what to do! I gave my little sister a How to be a Bridesmaid guide book and she has been on board ever since. It really helped her figure out how she can help. She has been awesome since and the other 2 bridesmaids are on top of everything else. My fiance had the same problem with his groomsmen for his bachelor party that he had to nudge a million times before someone finally moved on it. (But he wrote the evite!) I think it's particularly hard when you have never been in a wedding before. You still have time, I'd bring it up to everyone.
I have three bridesmaids, and my wedding is in three weeks, and the only time they appear is when they need something for themselves involving the weddding. Its not just you. Usually you end up with a couple helpers, or doing it alone.
Its hard, but maybe you should ask for help or plan a wedding craft party for the girls, where you hace snacks and drinks and make stuff for the wedding day.
I am a super control freak, and I am pretty sure that is why no one wants to help, lol.
Don't stress too much, stressing will take time away from being productive!!
There is a good chance they have no idea they are supposed to do anything. In fact, when I asked my bridesmaids, the only things I thought that meant were 1) I was trying to honor them as good friends 2) They needed to get a special dress and 3) *hopefully* they would throw me a bachelorette party. I didn't know they were supposed to do all the other "official" bridesmaid duties, nor have they offered, nor do I care. They are amazing friends, they *did* throw me the best bachelorette party ever, and they are wearing pink dresses (which I subsidized).
If you want a shower and/or bach party, speak to the bridesmaid you feel most comfortable with and let her know. There is a good chance it just never occurred ot them!!
As others have pointed out, it's probably the case that they don't know what they need to do or what is expected of them. It may be they didn't want to intrude, figured you had it covered or are just busy with their own lives. Most people don't realize how much organization it can take to coordinate a wedding and that the planning happens WAY sooner than you'd think. It may also be that they're not as interested in the planning. It's hard to say without checking in. You may want to chat with each of them about the schedule and see if they are making plans for a shower and/or bachelorette party (you can explain that you've got a lot of vendor meetings and want to make sure that you're available for anything they've got in the works). Not the most delicate approach, but it may get the ball rolling.
When I asked my MOH to stand up for me, I barely knew what that entailed. She did some research and we've coordinated together to set expectations and make things flow smoothly. Our officiant is also a dear friend, so she's been helping out as well. At several points, I've shared updates and have bene very clear about inviting them to participate without the expectation they will. Turns out they're more into planning and helping than I thought! If you have tasks left to do where they could be helpful, try asking if they're up for it.
I must agree with what most people have said already, I have probably always been an awful bridesmaid. I never had any clue about what that really meant. But I was always out of town, as my girls are now, and I always asked if they needed help, but there was never really anything I could do. I think I would just find some tasks and ask your bridesmaids to do them. They probably don't know to ask, probably because you look completely cool and collected. As for the shower, maybe talk to your mom to see if she knows anything (it could be a surprise!) or any aunts you might have about it too. Good luck!
Call them up and talk to them about it! I agree, that unless they are married or have a lot of BM experience, they probably have no idea what it takes to plan a wedding or what their roles in that planning should be. If you have expectations, you need to communicate them! I'm sure that your friends are happy to help, as long you let them know where you need help.
I was just thinking what many others said...How many times have I been an awful bridesmaid because I had no idea what I was supposed to do until I started planning my own wedding. Chances are, your girls are clueless, not mean-spirited. I would try asking them for help and communicate your expectations, as others have said. I know this is hard (especially since you have been SO generous), but try not to take it personally! That, and you still have 2 months for them to get their acts together!!
I bought this book for my sister who didn't have a clue about being a bridesmaid. She cried because she felt so bad. I didn't want it to have that effect on her, but WW she's a huge help now.
thank you so much for all your input, but i think at this point i'm about to give up on some of my bridesmaids. i think i'll have a talk with them about their feelings. thank you, thank you!!!
I know what you mean, my bridesmaid don't do anything. The person I actually get the most help from beside my godmother and grandma is my flower girl's mom who is the FI's cousin. All I know is I didn't want a big wedding to begin with and now the FI is realizing that maybe I was right. Also, if I were to do it all again I would have a VERY small wedding and definately NO bridal party. I just don't have those superbridesmaids like some people have and honestly don't know of anyone who possibly could be.
Don't be frustrated. Just know that you are an AWESOME bride and I would be so happy to agree to be your bridesmaid because you are being so generous and thoughtful in how you are trying to make it easy for your bridesmaids.
I think your situation is really similar to mine. One of my bridesmaids is really helpful as she is always offering to help or ask if she can do anything. Not so much with the others, but it doesn't bother me TOO much because I have no problem asking them to do a little get together and then doing a "program assembly date" or whatever.
I'm the first one to get married in my social group and I will admit it is on the younger side. None of my bridesmaids have ever been one before. I'm pretty sure they don't know that they're responsible for showers or bachelorette parties, etc. I'm a bit sad that I probably won't get one but I also don't feel right telling them that it's what they should do....Know what I mean?
So I am about 3 months out from the actual day of and there's no showers or parties in sight! :( I don't care about the presents. I just want a little party! Seriously. Sincerely.
I have a slightly different perspective. IMO, all BMs ARE required to do is (possibly) buy a dress, be supportive, and show up and smile on the big day. Yes, I have helped assemble favors and whatnot when I was a BM in the past, but not everyone is that way. I only had a MOH and I did not give her a list of duties or a book or anything; she only had the requirements I listed above.
My point is that it is possible that your BMs are aware of how things are "traditionally" done, but maybe they are not sure that you even want a shower or bachelorette. Not everyone has one. I think you are sending mixed signals. By being chill with the dress, etc., I get the idea that you are chill and non-traditional, which to them may signal that you don't want a big fuss or to go with the traditional trappings.
If you feel strongly about the bachelorette, maybe you could talk to someone who could nudge them along, like a mutual friend. However, I don't know that there's much you can do about the shower. Technically you can't ask for a gift-centric party to be thrown in your honor.
I totally agree with you that i can't ask for a gift-centric party, and personally it's completely okay with me that I'm not getting one, but it would be nice that I get a little something, some kinda party without having to open my mouth and ask for it. I understand that asking someone to be your BM u can't expect too much off of it, but one of my BM never return my phone call when I call about wedding-related issue. Basically, I have BMs that are not interested in the wedding at all. At one point during the whole planning process, I even offered to one of my BMs that if it's too much burden on them it's completely fine with me that they step down and be a guest and I'd still love them no less. I even offered to all my girls that we should have a girls day out before the wedding and you know what they said to me? "I'll be very busy, sorry!!" So ... honestly, I don't know what other signal I can send out or what I can do.
I know I'm late in replying to this - After all the last message was 3 weeks ago. Sorry if I'm dragging up old news. I came across this post after not having been able to post for a long time, and thought Geez, I am not the only one! My bmaids have made me out to feel like I'm some type of bridezilla or something. I posted on other sites about this, and got reamed! I'm expecting too much etc.,
Those of you who paid for your bmaid's dresses are so wonderful! That's really lovely of you! I offered, and mine declined. Fine, I thought nothing of it. It's almost a month to my wedding, and these girls haven't done a single thing to help me out. My Matron and Maid of Honor and Mom have been busting their humps with everything, and all my girls care about, is their dress, hair and make up. I hate to say it, but I feel terrible about the choices I've made to have them stand up for me on my wedding day. I know it shouldn't be a big deal with the things they have done/haven't done, but it really is more annoying than hurtful at this point.
They interrogated my MOH when she asked everyone to chip in for a bachelorette party (still haven't had it), and haven't done a single thing to help with the shower either (still haven't had that either). In fact, two of three went on 2 week vacations and didn't bother to tell anyone anything, they just went MIA, until someone blew their cover.
When I asked to meet with everyone just to go over some things, no one had the time, mind you, two of the three girls don't have jobs. Huh?
Anyway, I just wanted to include my vent as well, as I am thorougly annoyed with them.
Good luck to the rest of you with the same issue - I do really hope it works out in the end, and know that it will. It's your day anyway, and only you need to really know that!
I know how you're feeling. I have 5 BM's (2 of them are MOH). These are 5 of my closest friends. They did throw me a wonderful shower, but that was after I expressed an interest in having one and they had the help of my awesome cousins. I know that it is their "gift" to you whether or not to throw you a shower or bachelorette party, but as a bridesmaid, I would never deny a bride of one of those experiences in her life. I don't think it's my decision to do that unless she specifically asked not to have one. BM's are not throwing me a bachelorette party, but my cousins are doing it. The only times I've discussed wedding planning with them was when I had to discuss the dresses, hair and makeup and give them the wedding day details. Other than that, I've pretty much done everything on my own and prefer it that way. It's hard enough to get someone to go to my final fitting to learn how to do the bustle. Trust me, if I could do it myself, I would.
These are not only BM's but these are friends, and the only thing I really need from them is moral support, which a few have given. I know that they are all busy. I've learned that you don't have to have any wedding experience to be a good BM, you just have to be a good friend. I have 2 weddings but BM's are only attending one. My FI's groomswomen were my BM's for the other wedding. Let me tell you, it was their first time and they were the best BM's. They showed up ontime, took care of any problems that arose, and were really into the whole wedding experience. One of them also arranged all the flowers for our wedding as a gift the night before the wedding! They also attended the wedding shower and really made it as wonderful as it was. They arrived one hour early while my MOH and another BM arrived 1/2 an hour late, causing a delay in the shower. I guess I was disappointed that my own friends are not as caring as my FI's friends who haven't known me as long.
I'm so glad you had the help of family as well. That's great. I just hate putting extra work on the females in my family, because there aren't many. My mom sister and Maid of Honor have been doing everything. As far as the shower, we've been planning a little something, like I said, it hasn't happened yet, but I do know that I contributed half the $ because I didn't want the above three ladies having to pay for it themselves along with everything else they did. THe bmaids didn't contribute a dime, and moan and groan about everything, and then they had the audacity to tell my MOH they wanted to invite some of their friends to the shower as well?! How does that work?
I totally agree with you! You don't have to know what you're doing as a Bmaid - eventhough my MOH sent out a cute little package detailing their duties, and how they should support everyone involved. It's about being a good friend, and they haven't exposed that at all. I'm frustrated at feeling like a bridezilla, but really do feel it's not my fault at this point.
Hello bees!!
My wedding is coming up in July and I'm encountered with a wrong decisions that I've made and wanted to hear all your suggestions. I asked my two bestfriends, one from college and one from high school to be my bridesmaids. Knowing this is my dream wedding and don't want to put any financial burden on my friends, i offered to pay for their dresses and shoes, professional make up and hairs. Basically they only have to show up on my special day without having to worry about anything. With the wedding less than 2 months to go, none of my friends have open their mouth and ask whether I needed help or help plan for my bridal shower or even bachelorette party. As I'm sitting here thinking, am I too easy that's why they acted this way?! I need your help and input thank you!
posted by happybridetobe 6 posts 5 months agoSometimes people don't act how we expect or want them too, even though to us it seems like a no brainer. I had a talk with one of my "best friends" about this, I'm not having a bridal party but she would have been in it if I was. Basically she didn't show an interest in the wedding and I finally confronted her about it and she said it was because she figured I had my sister who got married last year was better at this stuff. I just told her that it doesn't hurt to ask how things are going or just if I need help, it would be nice to hear. Also, if your bridesmaids are single and have not been through this they sometimes just don't know. I'm sorry this is frustrating, I would maybe just be open and honest with them about how you feel.
posted by Jen4637 117 posts 5 months agoI completely understand your stress! I actually have 6 bridesmaids, but in actuality only have 1 true helper, and that is the MOH, and the other 5 are only there in name. I don't think you should take it personally, because I have been bridesmaids to friends previously and I can honestly say that I didn't understand my role until having to plan my own wedding. Of course as a bridesmaid, I make myself available for assistance if it is needed, but for the most part, I didn't do very much except showing up on the big day dressed up and having a good time. I think your bridesmaids feel like if you need their help, you'll reach out to them. Don't assume that they know exactly what they're supposed to do.
posted by furelysse 59 posts 5 months agoI'm in the same situation. 2 of my 3 bridesmaids won't even reply to my emails asking for opinions and suggestions!
posted by fairylis 9 posts 5 months agoI have 4 bridesmaids. I have had the same issue with one of my MOH (I have two) that she may no longer be in the wedding. Sometimes these girls don't know what to do! I gave my little sister a How to be a Bridesmaid guide book and she has been on board ever since. It really helped her figure out how she can help. She has been awesome since and the other 2 bridesmaids are on top of everything else. My fiance had the same problem with his groomsmen for his bachelor party that he had to nudge a million times before someone finally moved on it. (But he wrote the evite!) I think it's particularly hard when you have never been in a wedding before. You still have time, I'd bring it up to everyone.
posted by jules 59 posts 5 months agoI have three bridesmaids, and my wedding is in three weeks, and the only time they appear is when they need something for themselves involving the weddding. Its not just you. Usually you end up with a couple helpers, or doing it alone.
Its hard, but maybe you should ask for help or plan a wedding craft party for the girls, where you hace snacks and drinks and make stuff for the wedding day.
I am a super control freak, and I am pretty sure that is why no one wants to help, lol.
Don't stress too much, stressing will take time away from being productive!!
posted by KateC 16 posts 5 months agoThere is a good chance they have no idea they are supposed to do anything. In fact, when I asked my bridesmaids, the only things I thought that meant were 1) I was trying to honor them as good friends 2) They needed to get a special dress and 3) *hopefully* they would throw me a bachelorette party. I didn't know they were supposed to do all the other "official" bridesmaid duties, nor have they offered, nor do I care. They are amazing friends, they *did* throw me the best bachelorette party ever, and they are wearing pink dresses (which I subsidized).
If you want a shower and/or bach party, speak to the bridesmaid you feel most comfortable with and let her know. There is a good chance it just never occurred ot them!!
posted by Janna19 335 posts 5 months agoAs others have pointed out, it's probably the case that they don't know what they need to do or what is expected of them. It may be they didn't want to intrude, figured you had it covered or are just busy with their own lives. Most people don't realize how much organization it can take to coordinate a wedding and that the planning happens WAY sooner than you'd think. It may also be that they're not as interested in the planning. It's hard to say without checking in. You may want to chat with each of them about the schedule and see if they are making plans for a shower and/or bachelorette party (you can explain that you've got a lot of vendor meetings and want to make sure that you're available for anything they've got in the works). Not the most delicate approach, but it may get the ball rolling.
When I asked my MOH to stand up for me, I barely knew what that entailed. She did some research and we've coordinated together to set expectations and make things flow smoothly. Our officiant is also a dear friend, so she's been helping out as well. At several points, I've shared updates and have bene very clear about inviting them to participate without the expectation they will. Turns out they're more into planning and helping than I thought! If you have tasks left to do where they could be helpful, try asking if they're up for it.
posted by missm 483 posts 5 months agoI must agree with what most people have said already, I have probably always been an awful bridesmaid. I never had any clue about what that really meant. But I was always out of town, as my girls are now, and I always asked if they needed help, but there was never really anything I could do. I think I would just find some tasks and ask your bridesmaids to do them. They probably don't know to ask, probably because you look completely cool and collected. As for the shower, maybe talk to your mom to see if she knows anything (it could be a surprise!) or any aunts you might have about it too. Good luck!
posted by LeahB 342 posts 5 months agoCall them up and talk to them about it! I agree, that unless they are married or have a lot of BM experience, they probably have no idea what it takes to plan a wedding or what their roles in that planning should be. If you have expectations, you need to communicate them! I'm sure that your friends are happy to help, as long you let them know where you need help.
posted by suzanno 1,953 posts 5 months agoI was just thinking what many others said...How many times have I been an awful bridesmaid because I had no idea what I was supposed to do until I started planning my own wedding. Chances are, your girls are clueless, not mean-spirited. I would try asking them for help and communicate your expectations, as others have said. I know this is hard (especially since you have been SO generous), but try not to take it personally! That, and you still have 2 months for them to get their acts together!!
posted by ErinMarieMack 262 posts 5 months agoI bought this book for my sister who didn't have a clue about being a bridesmaid. She cried because she felt so bad. I didn't want it to have that effect on her, but W
W she's a huge help now.
posted by MissRojoOso 220 posts 5 months agothank you so much for all your input, but i think at this point i'm about to give up on some of my bridesmaids. i think i'll have a talk with them about their feelings. thank you, thank you!!!
posted by happybridetobe 6 posts 5 months agoI know what you mean, my bridesmaid don't do anything. The person I actually get the most help from beside my godmother and grandma is my flower girl's mom who is the FI's cousin. All I know is I didn't want a big wedding to begin with and now the FI is realizing that maybe I was right. Also, if I were to do it all again I would have a VERY small wedding and definately NO bridal party. I just don't have those superbridesmaids like some people have and honestly don't know of anyone who possibly could be.
posted by Lillindy 257 posts 5 months agohappybridetobe,
Don't be frustrated. Just know that you are an AWESOME bride and I would be so happy to agree to be your bridesmaid because you are being so generous and thoughtful in how you are trying to make it easy for your bridesmaids.
I think your situation is really similar to mine. One of my bridesmaids is really helpful as she is always offering to help or ask if she can do anything. Not so much with the others, but it doesn't bother me TOO much because I have no problem asking them to do a little get together and then doing a "program assembly date" or whatever.
I'm the first one to get married in my social group and I will admit it is on the younger side. None of my bridesmaids have ever been one before. I'm pretty sure they don't know that they're responsible for showers or bachelorette parties, etc. I'm a bit sad that I probably won't get one but I also don't feel right telling them that it's what they should do....Know what I mean?
So I am about 3 months out from the actual day of and there's no showers or parties in sight! :( I don't care about the presents. I just want a little party! Seriously. Sincerely.
posted by JCM9608 466 posts 5 months agoI have a slightly different perspective. IMO, all BMs ARE required to do is (possibly) buy a dress, be supportive, and show up and smile on the big day. Yes, I have helped assemble favors and whatnot when I was a BM in the past, but not everyone is that way. I only had a MOH and I did not give her a list of duties or a book or anything; she only had the requirements I listed above.
My point is that it is possible that your BMs are aware of how things are "traditionally" done, but maybe they are not sure that you even want a shower or bachelorette. Not everyone has one. I think you are sending mixed signals. By being chill with the dress, etc., I get the idea that you are chill and non-traditional, which to them may signal that you don't want a big fuss or to go with the traditional trappings.
If you feel strongly about the bachelorette, maybe you could talk to someone who could nudge them along, like a mutual friend. However, I don't know that there's much you can do about the shower. Technically you can't ask for a gift-centric party to be thrown in your honor.
posted by chrissie 76 posts 5 months agoI totally agree with you that i can't ask for a gift-centric party, and personally it's completely okay with me that I'm not getting one, but it would be nice that I get a little something, some kinda party without having to open my mouth and ask for it. I understand that asking someone to be your BM u can't expect too much off of it, but one of my BM never return my phone call when I call about wedding-related issue. Basically, I have BMs that are not interested in the wedding at all. At one point during the whole planning process, I even offered to one of my BMs that if it's too much burden on them it's completely fine with me that they step down and be a guest and I'd still love them no less. I even offered to all my girls that we should have a girls day out before the wedding and you know what they said to me? "I'll be very busy, sorry!!" So ... honestly, I don't know what other signal I can send out or what I can do.
posted by happybridetobe 6 posts 5 months agoI know I'm late in replying to this - After all the last message was 3 weeks ago. Sorry if I'm dragging up old news. I came across this post after not having been able to post for a long time, and thought Geez, I am not the only one! My bmaids have made me out to feel like I'm some type of bridezilla or something. I posted on other sites about this, and got reamed! I'm expecting too much etc.,
Those of you who paid for your bmaid's dresses are so wonderful! That's really lovely of you! I offered, and mine declined. Fine, I thought nothing of it. It's almost a month to my wedding, and these girls haven't done a single thing to help me out. My Matron and Maid of Honor and Mom have been busting their humps with everything, and all my girls care about, is their dress, hair and make up. I hate to say it, but I feel terrible about the choices I've made to have them stand up for me on my wedding day. I know it shouldn't be a big deal with the things they have done/haven't done, but it really is more annoying than hurtful at this point.
They interrogated my MOH when she asked everyone to chip in for a bachelorette party (still haven't had it), and haven't done a single thing to help with the shower either (still haven't had that either). In fact, two of three went on 2 week vacations and didn't bother to tell anyone anything, they just went MIA, until someone blew their cover.
When I asked to meet with everyone just to go over some things, no one had the time, mind you, two of the three girls don't have jobs. Huh?
Anyway, I just wanted to include my vent as well, as I am thorougly annoyed with them.
Good luck to the rest of you with the same issue - I do really hope it works out in the end, and know that it will. It's your day anyway, and only you need to really know that!
posted by marinebride 11 posts 4 months agoI know how you're feeling. I have 5 BM's (2 of them are MOH). These are 5 of my closest friends. They did throw me a wonderful shower, but that was after I expressed an interest in having one and they had the help of my awesome cousins. I know that it is their "gift" to you whether or not to throw you a shower or bachelorette party, but as a bridesmaid, I would never deny a bride of one of those experiences in her life. I don't think it's my decision to do that unless she specifically asked not to have one. BM's are not throwing me a bachelorette party, but my cousins are doing it. The only times I've discussed wedding planning with them was when I had to discuss the dresses, hair and makeup and give them the wedding day details. Other than that, I've pretty much done everything on my own and prefer it that way. It's hard enough to get someone to go to my final fitting to learn how to do the bustle. Trust me, if I could do it myself, I would.
These are not only BM's but these are friends, and the only thing I really need from them is moral support, which a few have given. I know that they are all busy. I've learned that you don't have to have any wedding experience to be a good BM, you just have to be a good friend. I have 2 weddings but BM's are only attending one. My FI's groomswomen were my BM's for the other wedding. Let me tell you, it was their first time and they were the best BM's. They showed up ontime, took care of any problems that arose, and were really into the whole wedding experience. One of them also arranged all the flowers for our wedding as a gift the night before the wedding! They also attended the wedding shower and really made it as wonderful as it was. They arrived one hour early while my MOH and another BM arrived 1/2 an hour late, causing a delay in the shower. I guess I was disappointed that my own friends are not as caring as my FI's friends who haven't known me as long.
posted by Bride888 87 posts 4 months agoBride888,
I'm so glad you had the help of family as well. That's great. I just hate putting extra work on the females in my family, because there aren't many. My mom sister and Maid of Honor have been doing everything. As far as the shower, we've been planning a little something, like I said, it hasn't happened yet, but I do know that I contributed half the $ because I didn't want the above three ladies having to pay for it themselves along with everything else they did. THe bmaids didn't contribute a dime, and moan and groan about everything, and then they had the audacity to tell my MOH they wanted to invite some of their friends to the shower as well?! How does that work?
I totally agree with you! You don't have to know what you're doing as a Bmaid - eventhough my MOH sent out a cute little package detailing their duties, and how they should support everyone involved. It's about being a good friend, and they haven't exposed that at all. I'm frustrated at feeling like a bridezilla, but really do feel it's not my fault at this point.
posted by marinebride 11 posts 4 months ago