Frustrated with Bridesmaids

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2252 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

summerwedding88: Things are not tit for tat. If these girls are married they may be saving for a house, children or future children, and overall making joint financial decisions with their husbands rather than being single and able to throw away large sums of money without consulting anyone. I know it’s hard to stomach, but you really shouldn’t be angry with your friends because of their finances. It is no one’s business what someone can or can not afford – and even if someone can technically afford something, it doesn’t mean that that is what they want to spend their money or vacation time on. 

I think you should take a step back – it’s highly inappropriate for you to plan your own shower or bachelorette party. Have your BMs plan the party and that way they’ll hopefully plan something that everyone can afford to participate in. Would you rather go to Nashville with 1 or 2 of them or spend a night in a local city having a blast with the whole group? 

Post # 3
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

Yea, I’m not sure what my advice would be.  You can choose to stick to the Nashville plan and have a smaller group or you can pick something local and have a larger group.  What would you like to prioritize, Nashville or attendance?

Post # 4
Member
1711 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry. Unfortunately, sometimes even the little that we do ask of people can be too much for them or be in conflict with their schedules or budgets.  

I don’t know if these ladies are telling the truth about their situations or if they’re making excuses, but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume their stories are on the up and up. Is it possible to have a get together with them before the official Nashville trip? Maybe you could meet up with them to get nails done and/or go out for lunch or dinner. A meet-up ahead of your trip could be a good solution to this issue for all of you. 

If what you say is true, and I don’t doubt that it is, you have no reason to feel guilty and you definitely haven’t asked too much of them. I know this is a big bummer, but try to focus on the wedding day. As long as they’re there on that day, things should be ok. Again, try to get some time with them before the trip, but if that can’t be done, don’t worry about it; you’ll be able to have a blast without them there. Just focus on the trip and the ladies who will be there. 

Post # 5
Member
4926 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

summerwedding88:  Honestly, I think your bridesmaids budgets need to be taken into consideration when planning these types of events. Sure, you spent your money for their destination bachelorettes – but that was your choice and your decision. If you couldn’t afford it at the time, you had the right to make a decision not to attend – just as they do. While it is great you aren’t requiring them to do much, truthfully – the only job as a bridesmaid is to get your dress and show up on wedding day. 

That said, I do understand being disappointed that you did all this fun stuff for theirs and they aren’t going to participate in yours. To me, friends over location would matter. I would try to have something closer / less expensive that they can participate in. 

Post # 6
Member
4926 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

summerwedding88:  Also wanted to add – if you’ve done this for three other girls and everyone has complained then, perhaps this one just pushes the costs over the edge. It seems almost like the first girl did it, so the second thought she had a right to do it, then the third, then you, etc. If these ladies are married, they have other things to take into consideration – perhaps they’re trying to have a baby, or buy a house, etc. etc. and can’t afford to spend the money. 

Also – where is your MOH? Why is she not planning this for you?

Post # 7
Member
6905 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

summerwedding88: You say, “I absolutely would do this for them, and intend to”. So I assume the girls who are complaining aren’t married yet?

Because if they’re married and you went to theirs, it would be unfair. But if not, I think they are saying, “Enough is enough”. If your group is (e.g.) 8 girls, then that’s 8 trips in a fairly short space of time, and they just can’t afford it. (At least not if they want to have lives apart from bachelorette parties). It was nice to do a big trip for the first 3, but maybe reality is setting in, and they’re realising that a huge trip for everyone just isn’t sustainable?

I understand your frustration, and it’s not really fair, but if the situation is unsustainable then it’s got to stop sometime.

Post # 8
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2014

It is so sweet of you to pay for your bridesmaids’ dresses. But a bachelorette party is not a wedding essential. And it is certainly not a wedding. It is just a party. Maybe everyone is getting older and their priorities are changing. I know my husband wouldn’t be pleased if I took a weekend away by myself when we have enough trouble saving up vacation time to see both sides of the family.

IMHO the only action you can take now is to “sell” this mini vacation if it’s important to you. Point out how much everyone saved when you bought their dresses and that Nashville is not overly expensive. Also, for those not convinced Nashville will be as fun as Vegas or Miami, you might have to let them know what exactly there is to do in Nashville. I have been there & enjoyed it, but it hasn’t exactly got the party rep that Vegas or Miami have. Or the vacation vibe of Nantucket.

Post # 9
Member
41816 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

My Dad used to say “Nobody ever promised you life would be fair.”

Even though you spent $$ to attend their bachelorettes, circumstances may make it difficult or even impossible for some of them to afford to attend yours.

You have two choices:

  • stick with your plan for a trip to Nashville and accept the fact that some won’t make it
  • have a bachelorette that people can afford.
Post # 10
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I feel your pain. I was in the exact same boat. I picked out cheap bridesmaid dresses ( $60) and cheap shoes ($40). I had to plan my own party since my MOH went awol on me. She didn’t want to do anything for the wedding or help me. I ended up having a bachelorette party in the destination I wanted with only 2 other girls. I didn’t want to back down. I found super cheap flights and hotels for my party and really wanted it there. I also requested not to have any showers since the bachelorette party was more important to me. If you really want a destination party then you have to make a choice to accept who goes and who doesn’t. Please do not think I think you are in the wrong. I agree with you. I feel like if someone spent money to go to your party, then you need to spend money to go to their party. We just spent over $1,000 so my husband could go to Vegas for a bachelor party since he is the best man. However, not everyone thinks like that. Is there anyway you can cut some costs? A cheaper airline? A cheaper hotel? There are a ton of deal websites out there. 

Post # 11
Member
11472 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

So, basically, you’re uspet because your friends are being honest with you and saying your out-of-town, flight-required bachelorette party, that you’re planning yourself, is too expensive?  Just making sure I have it right. 

It sucks that you spent money on big events for them, but if they can’t afford it, they can’t afford it.  What about a staycation?  Spa weekend in your area and a big suite to spend the night in after?  There are plenty of things you can do that don’t require forcing people to buy flights they can’t afford, or making them feel guilty that they can’t afford the trip that you want.

Post # 12
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee

I get it, but unfortunately you are number four and that means you’re all growing up and taking on more responsibilities. A few years ago my girl friends and I would do at least one girl trip a year and now if we do it we more likely stay local to avoid flight costs and in general I personally am cringing about someone bringing up another one bc I’m trying to save for other things and my vacation priority is with family or SO. I do get where you’re coming from so much but try not to take it personally, times change and you may have to prioritize location or attendees.

Post # 13
Member
2636 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I, as well as you am not asking my bridesmaid to do a lot for my wedding. Buy the dress and show up. I ALSO told them it really doesn’t bother me whether they can make the bachelorette or the shower.

My bach was supposed to be in NYC , one said they can’t afford it but wanted to come, I felt bad and asked my MOH to change it to something more affordable with everyone. I’ll go to NYC another time I guess

Moral of the story is… don’t be set on a certain idea for your bachelorette – just go with the flow. It will make life a lot less stressful!

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