Frustrated with fiance's family – Need to vent and advice

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Who did you invite to the rehearsal dinner besides Bridal Party?
    No one. Bridal Party and Parents only : (57 votes)
    64 %
    OOT Relatives : (24 votes)
    27 %
    Other (please explain below) : (8 votes)
    9 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2419 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @CuteAsAButton:  I think your FI needs to talk to them and tell them that it is just for the bridal party as a thank you for being apart of your big day. You only have space reserved for x number of people and you are sorry that it cannot be changed at this point or something along those lines.

    Post # 4
    Member
    8426 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    We didn’t have a rehearsal, but we did a welcome dinner and invited everyone that was invited to the wedding.  I voted “other.”

    Post # 5
    Member
    42538 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @CuteAsAButton:  Keep your plans the way they are and make a conscious decision not to get stressed by other people’s last minute ideas or suggestions.

    Many rehearsal dinners do not include OOT’s. You are correct. In some cases that would mean inviting the whole wedding guest list.

    Calming trick- picture yourself with a veil that covers you from the top of your head ot the floor. Nothing can penetrate that veil. When someone starts telling you  what you “should” be doing, picture yourself in that veil.

    As far as this cousin is concerned, “thanks for sharing your concerns, but we won’t be making any changes. Please feel free to organize a get together for those who will not be attending the rehearsal dinner, if that’s what you want to do.”

    For gosh sakes people, besides the fact that it is rude to invite yourselves to a social affair, IT’S THE WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING. LEAVE THE BRIDE ALONE.

    Post # 6
    Member
    603 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I really do understand your social anxiety, and that a large wedding may be difficult for you.  But traditionally (at least around here) a rehearsal dinner would invite all of the OOT guests, so if customs are the same where you live, I can understand why the extended family is a bit surprised that they weren’t invited.  How does your FI feel about this?  Is it the custom where you live for all OOT guests to be invited to the rehearsal dinner?

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    1018 posts
    Bumble bee

    @CuteAsAButton:  I voted before I read the whole because I would invite OOT guests BUT in your case I wouldn’t. If they really just want to hang out together they can all do that somehwere else at a different place.

    Maybe suggest some local restaurants they might all like to go to instead?

    Post # 8
    Member
    839 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @CuteAsAButton:  I’ve been to RDs that have been just the bridal party and both sets of parents, and I’ve been to RDs that are much larger. I think you and FI need to do what makes you happy, and if that means limiting the guest list, then stick to your guns. It’s beyond rude that people are trying to invite themselves to your event. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    37 posts
    Newbee

    Here is what my friend did which I thought was perfect:

    She had her real rehearsal dinner with just the parents and wedding party while the OOT relatives were at another close by restaurant and then the bridal party went and joined them all for drinks and dancing after their quick dinner/rehearsal. Solved her issue of having too many people at the rehearsal dinner and the relatives were happy because they still felt like something was planned for them too.

    Post # 10
    Member
    4576 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @julies1949:+10

    @CuteAsAButton:  I will never understand where some people get the idea they can just bully someone into including them. Blows my mind.

    We are not doing a rehearsal dinner, but I think we’ll feed any OOT guests somehow the day most of them are coming in.

    However, in your case, I think you need to stick to your guns: give people like this an inch and they will take a mile.

    Post # 11
    Member
    863 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @CuteAsAButton:  You do you. It’s your wedding and you have every right to enjoy your rehersal dinner instead of being riddled with anxiety. I think you should tell them that the rehersal dinner will be parents and bridal party only, and then recommend a restaurant where guests can go have a meal together.

    Don’t lie to your OOT guests about reasons why they can’t come because they will find a solution. E.g. – ‘we can’t afford to have you all come’ ‘we’ll pay for our own food’. Just tell them point blank that it’s a thank you for the bridal party and you guys want to keep it intimate. 

    I think your FH should be the one to tell his family ‘no’. They are his people and it will look better coming from him. He needs to stand up for you nd what you guys want. It’s you and your FH’s wedding. Nobody else’s. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    875 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    since you have social anxiety, i think you are right to keep the rehearsal dinner small. just stick to your guns. if necessary, suggest places the rest of the family can go together.

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    845 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @CuteAsAButton:  Our rehearsal dinner was for people who participated in the rehearsal even though the majority of our guests were from out of town  We did not have a bridal party, but we included immediate family, our friend-officiant, and a friend who did a reading in the ceremony. We provided an enormous list of dinner recommendations so they had the opportunity to make their own plans the night before the wedding. My immediate family spent time with the relatives after the rehearsal dinner at their hotels. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    666 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    We did just wedding party and immediate family.  No OOT family.  There are plenty of restaurants they could get together in.

    We figured if you invite everyone then it’s like you’re having two receptions.  And as you said, it’s a wedding, not a reunion.  They’ll have the reception to get together with the family.

    I personally haven’t been invited to any rehearsal dinners where I wasn’t in the wedding party, and I know some people do it, but it is not manditory.

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    187 posts
    Blushing bee

    We aren’t at this point yet but we have talked some about what we will do when this comes up. I have approximately 100 members of my family who will be traveling 8-10 hours for the wedding. THis only includes Aunts, Uncles, 1st Cousins, and their kids. All of my college friends will also be coming in to town, from anywhere from 5hours away to across the country. I want to see all of these people before the wedding (perhapse your FI feels the same), however it doesn’t make sense to have them all at the rehersal dinner.

    Our plan is to work with a resturant/Bar that we frequent (not where our dinner will be) and leave an open invitation to anyone to join us there. The resturant has held simmilar events and are willing to leave areas that usually close after the dinner rush open for us to use until the bar closes. The venue offers a nice dinner menues for older relatives and also has great drink specials and cheap bar food for the younger crowd.

    I would talk to the cousin and FI and see if you can’t work out something simmilar. As a benefit for you, assuming you and FI are spending the night apart you can stop by, make yourself seen and then excuse your self, hopefully avoiding too much social anxiety.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1881 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Leave the RD as purely for the wedding party. Let them know it is already booked and can’t be changed now. HOWEVER – you’d be happy to see them for a post-dinner cocktail at X bar. This way everyone is happy.

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