Post # 1
I will try to keep this vent relatively short and coherent. I am getting so frustrated with my fiance and the planning process. When we started planning, I asked him what aspects of the wedding planning he wanted to be involved with. He said he only cared about music and honeymoon. Great! I was more than happy to take care of the rest of the details. But as we have gone along, he has continually criticized decisions or micromanaged my planning. For example, there was a problem regarding where the BMs and I would get ready the day of the wedding. I understood that we would get reaady in the suite at the hotel, but the coordinator failed to book the room for Friday night. When I talked to the hotel person, she said all suites were booked friday night and checkout for the guests in the suites would be too late for us to use them. When I mentioned this to FI, he asked if I spoke to someone in authority at the hotel. Authority for what? To kick the people who legitimitely have use of the suite out??? He said maybe they are not really booked. I explained that the manager I spoke with was looking at the screen that had names and reservations associated with those rooms. this is a minor issue, but it is an example of the tiny straws that are about to break my back.
Also, he wants to buy a tux because he doesn’t like the idea of wearing rented clothes. Fine. But buy it already. We are less than six weeks from the wedding. He has found a style he likes but he said he wants to see if new spring styles are coming out. They are tuxedos — classic styles don’t change that much. And it’s now April — spring styles are out. Also, the style he found frequently goes on sale at Macy’s. I think it is unlikely that a new style will be on sale.
I also picked out the tuxes for his groomsmens rental, found gifts for his groomsmen, etc.
I feel like I am doing everything for this wedding and then getting criticized because I am not doing it the right way even though he is unwilling to make any effort in advance.
I don’t have any real question to pose. I just needed to vent.
I feel like telling him I am done — he can take care of finalizing the remaining plans. I will take care of getting myself and my BMs ready. He can do the rest.
Post # 3
Oh Jenny Bee, your FI sounds like my FI & many many men I know 🙂 I know it sounds strange b/c your FI is not explaining himself, but he really truely is trying to help in his own weirdo way. My FI is excatly the same, he is taking care of only the rings & the honeymoon, other then that its all me. But, he is always asking me questions and when I tell him about something he’ll say "well did you check this out" or "did you ask this question" it is def fustrating, but I realized he really is trying to help (like the question your FI asked about the hotel) He asks these quetions because he wants to make sure things run as smootly as possible for you, and to ensure you are getting excatly what you want 🙂
Our guys arn’t always tactful, but you can tell he wants you to have the wedding you envisioned, and doesn’t want anyone to stand in your way, including the hotel authority
Post # 4
That’s exactly what you should tell him. Give him very specific guidelines as to what still needs to be decide and when decicisions need to be made by. Anything left over, tell him it’s done and nothing else needs to be discussed about it.
I hate that when people chirp in with ideas when it’s too damn late to do anything about it. Just go with the flow, right?
Post # 5
Poor girl! I totally understand. My fi gets upset when I don’t ask his opinion, or when I ask it I don’t take it. I try to ask his opinion on everything and we’ll only chime in with "I don’t know" or something negative that I don’t agree with at all. I don’t even want to get into the whole tux issue….
What I’ve found that helps is asking his opinion or help way before I make a decision so it doesn’t turn out bad, if you can’t do it, don’t ask and see if he notices later on. 😉
Post # 6
I think you should sit down and talk to your Fi about how his "helping" makes you feel. My Fi and I actually had a little tiff about this subject yesterday when he tried to tell me exactly what to say to the lady at the DMV. I told him that his "helping" was really just stressing me out more. Once I explained that what would really help is for him to shut up and just listen while I vented a little , he was pretty willing to do that instead of be so critical and demanding. Your Fi might think he is trying to solve whatever problem you have, when really he’s just making you feel like you can’t do anything right.
I would sit him down and tell him exactly what needs to be done and how he can accomplish those tasks. And then tell him how every time he questions your decisions or micromanages the details you are planning it makes the situation worse, not better. I think sometimes guys need a little reminder that we don’t need them to fix every situation; we sometimes just need them for reassurance and comfort. Good luck!
Post # 7
Hmmm..maybe simply when he chimes in and says he could have done something better (rolling my eyes), say "Great sweetie..I need you do to x and figure this out for me!" He knows you’re doing the legwork and all he has to do is say yes, no, I don’t like/do like this without much effort. I’d HAND OVER the task at hand to him and have him solve it and I’d bet this will stop asap!
Him DOING the task will also give him a further appreciation of you and the job you’re doing..you both love each other, but honestly weddings can become a source of stress too. Doesn’t mean things are bad, just a stressful time.
Much love and hoping this all gets ironed out soon.
Post # 8
Honey, you are so not alone in this. Tehre’s some pretty good advice already…the only thing I’d add is that i’ve found it’s totally unproductive to voice the feeling that I’m doing everything and then being criticized. It sounds accusatory and makes him defensive. Saying things like, "I’m stressed and really need some positive support and reinforcement", is much more helpful. It lets him know exactly what I need without turning around and critcizing him.
Another piece of advice I got from a friend (still need to try it out) is just to write up a list of things that need to get done, hand it to him, and then let it go. Write up the list every week if you have to, but he’ll get the message 🙂 And finally, the stuff that’s his responsibility, don’t worry about it. If he has to scramble the week before your wedding to buy his tux, he has to…it’s not your problem. I seriously doubt he’ll literally not find one, so unless you are worried about that part, just don’t accept the stress he is trying to lay on you.
I hope you can find some relaxation in the next few weeks!
Post # 9
I agree with AnnieAAA, I don’t think they understand how they word their "help" doens’t come across as helpful. My FI is an Engineer and VERY detail orientated (imagine a cost to quality comparision chart he put together when he was shopping for my e-ring). So he is always suggesting other "options to consider". It comes across to me as he doesn’t like what I’ve chosen but really when we get down to it he’s worried I’m taking on too much and trys to suggest other options to less the load. The problem come in with the tactic. It actually took me having a breakdown after I felt like he called me crazy in the middle of Ikea on Valentines Day. I turned into a sobbing mess (and I couldn’t tell you the last time I’d cried before that) and retreated to the car. We finally worked through how I felt he was constantly critizing my choices, but offering nothing other than random suggestions. My suggestion is to pull your guy aside and talk through it all. Figure out what is left to do and split it up then plan a night each week to talk through where you are with those things. And if you can do that before you get to the point of turning into a sobbing mess in the middle of the Ikea candle section….I’d highly recommend it 😉
Post # 10
You’re not alone!! I also asked my FI what aspects he wanted the most say in. He said honeymoon, the cake oh yeah & he wanted "his color". For a second I thought he was really the bride!
I picked his color.. (it was just a different shade of blue then i wanted no biggy). We are going to the Bahamas.. and upgraded to a villa with butler service (like he wanted) and the cake is whatever flavor he chooses. But yet, i still seem to get told "ya know this is OUR wedding, your doing everything and its not fair!"
So we went to pick out the flowers and I told him pick the style for your groomsmen and what your want your step mom and god mothers flowers to be… his phone rang.. and he said "you pick" and took the call outside. Clearly they just have their bratty moments… I say just hand over the plastic and attend.. leave the rest to me!! =)
Post # 11
thanks everyone! I really appreciate your thoughts, suggestions and support. I know that he does mean well. We are both independent people and unaccustomed to having someone question our plans/decisions. On top of that, I think the wedding stress has made a bit sensitive to perceived criticism.
I feel much better now. You girls are wonderful!
Post # 12
It may be nerves or stress, but be sure it isn’t a pattern that is leading to something more. I had this happen in my first engagement and he started to nitpick and belittle me for tiny things. If you keep poking in the same spot, no matter how soft, it’ll start to bruise. For me, it was the warning of something much worse.
Good luck, and hopefully it’s just temporary!!
Post # 13
My fiancee is the same way! I think it’s typical for men…he hears you talking about a problem with the hotel, so he asks you if you talked to the boss of the hotel. That isn’t helpful to you, but to him he is offering you a helpful solution that might fix the problem. My fiancee would do the same thing, and it would drive me nuts. I finally had to say to him, when I come to you with a problem, all I want you to say is "that sucks. Anything I can do?" He told me when he hears me complain, all he can think is "how can I fix this for her?" He doesn’t really understand that I don’t want his solution, I just want to tell him about a problem.
Post # 14
This is ALWAYS a source of tension in a relationship. Women want to rant and rave and just vent. That’s it. We want someone there listening. Men want to do and fix. They hear a problem, they’ll start spouting off things to solve it. It’s just how we’re all wired. Just sit him down and say "Sweetie, I know you want to fix it, but it can’t be fixed and I just want to vent. Is that ok?" I’ve had to do this a lot with my FI. Even worse is when I start crying about how something is just impossible and he’ll come out with a one sentence solution…that works. Nothing makes you feel more sheepish than crying over something that’s actually easy to fix. And I’ve done that…more than once…
Post # 15
You’re not alone! The men are usually like this. I got soooo sick and tired of my FI telling me to do "whatever you want" and then complaining about my choices and how "stupid" they were. He used more derogatory language but I don’t want to offend anyone. I finally handed him a list of things to do and told him he better get it done by X date because he’s just making too much work for me, it’s stressing me out, and I need the help. I think he saw the panic in my eye. I also don’t think he had realized how MUCH i had done at this point until I showed him my inspiration boards, cost comparisons, monthly to-do list, weekly to-do list, etc. DUh, I need help! One woman cannot do all of it!
I think your panic is legit seeing as how you’re getting married in barely 5 and a half weeks!