frustrated/angry with husband working nights

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Stace126:  since he doesn’t work until 215 can’t he come to your work and eat lunch with you even for 30-60 minutes?

Post # 4
24457 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry that you guys are going through this.  I hope that he can get back to school and is able to change jobs.

My husband often travels, at lease every other month.  It’s hard because sometimes he can’t really talk much while he is traveling.  It is hard because I almost am in a long distance relationship when he is gone and I just have to do things to keep myself busy.  I have a raging TV addiction and enjoy reading on my Kindle to keep myself entertained.

It sucks though.

Post # 5
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Stace126:  I understand how you feel!  My fiancee’s hours are supposed to be 7-3, but he frequently has to cover 2nd shift (and sometimes 3rd) for weeks on end due to vacations or illnesses, or short staffing since he’s the boss. When we first moved in together a couple of years ago, he was on 2nds until he got a promotion about a year ago. 

It sucks.  And there are days that I am SO mad about it, but I know it’s not his fault, and that it’s only temporary. 

We try to do what we can to make time for eachother.  I take a little nap so we can talk a bit when he gets home, and sometimes he gets up in the morning and has breakfast with me.  A couple of times a week we have a lunch date. 

It’s not ideal, and it’s not a lot, but it’s something.  I just have to keep thinking “quality over quantity”.

I try to do a lot of projects – wedding related for me now so I’ve got plenty to do, but before the engagement I would make decorations for the house.  Paint, watch horrible TV, play with my dogs.  Do all of the cleaning and shopping I normally reserve for the weekend . . . that way we can spend our weekends together, doing what we WANT to do.  I’ll head to my parents one night, or plan a girl night. 

Hang in there!



Post # 6
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry. I know it’s hard. I’m there right now too. Well – we’re not on opposite schedules, we’re on opposite continents with an 8.5 hour difference that is about to become 9.5.

In some ways, I’d like to tell you it gets better. When DH left (almost two months ago) I was a total mess. And slowly but surely I’ve gotten really used to him being gone. I don’t like it – never do. I miss him all the time. Some days are better than others – today was hard.

I try really hard to keep myself busy and fill my time too. I work a lot, I get to the gym, I try to read and sew and do stuff that I don’t really do when he’s around.

It’s not ok to resent him for it. You’re right, it’s not his fault. And you just have to keep telling yourself that this is temporary. It will pass, and you will come out better for it.

Hang in there. 

Post # 7
562 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry. Hang in there! Try really hard to not make things worse by blaming or shaming your husband for having to work 2nd shift. Just try to hang tight together, be a team, leave special love notes to eachother for the other to read when waking up that include the important things going on in your days and how much you love and appreciate him/eachother. Plan fun weekends together as a couple. Leave little hidden surprises, make him breakfast and leave it in the fridge for him, etc. Little things like this will help you know that you two are there for eachother and make it less lonely. Have him leave you dinner, turn down your bedsheets, put out some candles or bubbles for you to take a bath when you get home. 

Hopefully soon you two will make it to being back on the same schedule, and your marriage will be stronger for having worked through this obstacle. 

Post # 8
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Stace126:  im in the same situation…my fiance usually works 5 or 6 days a week and its usually 3pm to midnight and he doesnt get home til around 1 or 1 30…i work a normal job like u and its usually 8 to 5…so i only see him when i wake when he comes home or in the morning when im getting rdy for work but hes always sleep…its incredibly lonely…i tell him all the time..i feel bad for telling him but it is…i dont cook either…its usually just small stuff i make..i have a cat like u have a dog but its just not enough..i occupy myself with wedding planning right now but i cant imagine how it will be after we get married…just know that i feel for u…and if u need another lonely person to talk to u can talk to me 🙂

Post # 9
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Stace126:  It is brutal. My husband was on shifts up until very recently when he landed a new role. I don’t have any advice other than to make it temporary. If it has an end date, it is easier to deal with. I feel your pain. It sucks.

Post # 10
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My DH does not work 2nd shift, however, he works a lot of hours on his job, plus coaches, plus volunteers for another group AND is a firefighter.  I have yet to see him today and it is 9:30 EST.  I talked to him briefly today.  Tomorrow he will be gone until late again, working on a 2nd work commitment, Thursday is his volunteer commitment….I know how you feel.  Even the time that we do have together is usually interrupted with a fire call.  I have found things to occupy my time….TV, games, computer, reading etc.  It is frustrating and an adjustment … bbbuuuutttttt… the way I look at it is, I knew all this before we married.  It’s always been there.  Nothing is new.  Hopefully your DH gets put back onto 1st shift, until then, enjoy your time.  Enjoy the peace and quiet.

Post # 11
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m in the same situation. I work 8-5 and he works 3-midnight. I am asleep when he gets home and I get up when he is asleep. It’s depressing.

However, I love my ME time so as much as I want him home, I do enjoy my down time after work.

I’m working on getting a new schedule at work. If it works out, I will have 2 days per week where I can be home with him until he goes to work. Are you able to alter your schedule at all?

My FI prob won’t be on first shift for a few more years. He can’t get another job- he has the best job for him, it’s just a matter of paying his dues to get on first now.

I try to not make him feel bad about it because I know how badly he wants to be on first too. I don’t need to add to that stress!

Post # 12
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I get how that would be maddening.  My FI and I have a job at the same company, but he also has another job in addition to the first one.  Last week we didn’t have any days off together, and on one day in particular we passed each other through the back door at work.  He was leaving, and I was going into work.  Yup, I wanted to punch someone, in the face.  not him.  Just someone.  I can’t imagine sleeping in different rooms because of such different schedules. 

I wish I had really amazing advice for you.  I don’t.  There are all kinds of things to do to distract yourself for a while, but eventually you just have to hold tight to the thought of what the two of you are working towards.  What makes the hard, difficult days worth it?  Thats what I do.  We’re saving up not only for the wedding, but also a house.  The house is more important to me, so I imagine different rooms, and a yard, a kitchen, and in general living in a place we own.  Then I try to go about my business, simply living.  Today, its me reading these boards.  I have crafts I need to do, a book to read, there are movies I could watch.  Its raining out though, and he’s at work, and right now I’m also a bit lonely.  So now we’re both writing about being lonely while our SO’s are off at work.  See!  Not alone, not completely. 

I could also try reading my book.


Post # 13
10454 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

Can you ever have dinner with him?  DH used to do that when I was putting in ridiculous hours.

Post # 14
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@Stace126:  AWWWW!  I’m so sorry for you stace Frown

I (almost) know what you are going through.  SO and I are planning a move and his new shift is….2p-12a.  I cried when I first found out Cry

It IS sad.  I’m moving halfway across the country….with no friends….to be alone most of the time Undecided

I know that it’s hard.  You’re very fortunate that at least your family is close, as mine are about to be a 6 hour plane ride away.  I do know that it’s also temporary (2-4 years hopefully)…and that it sucks.  I’ve wondered if it’s all worth it (I’m a waiting bee, after all, not married)….but yes, at the end of the day I’d rather wait than be without him.  I’m here for you if you need to talk.  I’ve got lots of time too!

Post # 15
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I went from working nights (7p-7a) to working the same shift as your husband. The best thing to do is find ways to connect through out the day. Some days DH and I grab lunch on my way into work if we don’t we talk then about what is planned for diiner, updates on the kids morning, etc. . I call during dinner to talk to our kids about their day  too. it is hard, I hope it gets easier for you! 

Post # 16
2501 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Stace126:  OMG can we be friends?? I HATE second shift. My FI’s schedule is one month he works days, the month after that he works afternoons ( 2-11), then the next month he works midnights, then back to days. So every 2 months he is second shift. His days off at Mon and Tueday and I work your normal mon-fri 8-5. ( We don’t even get the same days off!!)

I feel you on the loneliness, how its pointless to complain and how much it sucks. And plus one on how its hard to want to cook!! 


Do you atleast have the weekends together? Or does he have wacko days off too?


My suggestion is plan activities during the week- I try to see my friends during the week, I play in a soccer league, I take random classes…anything to get me out and about and not sitting at home alone ( sometimes its ok, but not everyday!), take my dog to a dog park…make an effort to be busy and you will not hopefully not feel so alone.


It is really hard tho…I totally understand. Hang in there!






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