Post # 1
While my dad really is a wonderful person he has one super annoying habit. He has a habit of buying expensive items for me/DH, my mother without even asking if that is something we want or the brand we want ect.
The problem I’m facing right now, dad had said he was going to buy himself a new computer because his was 2 years old. When he told me this I asked him if he didn’t have plans for his old computer could DH and I have it since ours is 6 years old. We don’t really need a new computer but I thought if he was going to dispose of his anyway, we would take it. Well he said that he had plans for the old computer, so I thought that was the end of it. Well behold yesterday I came home from work and there was a new computer sitting on our kitchen table (Dad just let himself into our house without asking which is another story altogether). While I’m thankful that he would think about us, we never got a say in which computer and now that he spent all this money on a new computer we can’t ask for the things we really need for Christmas (new clothes and household items).
This is not the first time this has happened either, earlier this year before we got married my dad decided we needed a new lawnmower, again he never asked us if we wanted one and we never got to pick it out, one day we came home and it was just there.
The same thing happened with a garage door opener DH had registered for. DH wanted a specific type of garage door opener and put it on our wedding registry. Dad said he wanted to buy DH a garage door opener but didn’t want to buy the one on our registry but the brand Dad wanted because he didn’t feel ours was good enough.
I don’t know what to do, I know Dad’s feelings will be hurt if I say anything, but this can’t continue to happen. I’m so frustrated!
Post # 3
You should say something to your dad, but not what I think you want to say. You should be grateful for the gifts. I understand that it’s not awesome to get gifts that aren’t exactly what you want, but you are coming across as selfish. I think you want to tell your dad that you don’t want him to choose the brands…when what you should say is that you are uncomfortable accepting such expensive gifts.
Post # 4
I think it is really sweet of your father to want to be so giving, but I can totally get the frustration. If it bothers you, wait for a good time when you’re both in good moods and explain how much you appreciate his gifts but how you would prefer if you could have some input on them. Let him know his generousity is very appreciated but overwhelming.
Use positive words, don’t say things like frustrating. If he wants to give gifts, don’t stop him. People like being generous and if you try to stop THAT he might get upset. But try to negotiate that if he wants to get you X, he should at LEAST consult you or your husband on what you are looking for in X before making a purchase.
Post # 6
I don’t think you are being selfish to want input in the items that you end up using everyday and become part of your life. You get excited to pick out your own things, esspecially the big stuff as you start to build your home and your dad is taking that oppertunity away from you. While I think it is awesome that he is willing to get you such nice things and often, I believe the frustration is warranted.
On a smaller scale, my grandma did this to my mom. For birthdays and xmas my grandma would get my mom rooster stuff for the kitchen (i.e. soap dispensor, towels, a Porcelain roster statue thing). My mom has ended up with a rooster kitchen she never wanted and hates to this day but now is stuck with for years.
I know it is hard to approach these topics esspecially with your parents, but I think @MrsFutureG:‘s suggestion as to how to bring this up with you dad is good.
Post # 7
He sounds very invasive. I would stop exchanging gifts completely and tell him that your life is full of things and if you need anything that you want to work for it like he taught you. Instead of gifts, spend time with each other. Take each other out for meals, activities, etc
Post # 8
@missbumblebee: I know it’s frustrating, but you can’t really dictate how people spend their money and give gifts. Going forward, if you get something you absolutely don’t want or don’t want, ask for the receipt so you can return it. For example, the garage door opener… “Dad, husband really wanted the one on the registry so we’re going to exchange yours for that one. Can I have the receipt please?”
Returning unwanted gifts is much more acceptable than trying to control what the giver is gifting. If you do this enough, fingers crossed he will eventually get it!
Post # 9
I would sit down and tell him that you appreciate his generosity so very very much, but that you and your husband need to make decisions about big purchases on your own, especially when they’re major appliances that will be used in your life for the next 5 years or more.
Your dad sounds like a loving and very generous guy, but sometimes gifts like this come with strings attached. My sibling’s in-laws do this all the time — they’ll replace big stuff in the house (that my sib’s family couldn’t afford to do right then), but in return, they basically think that means that they should be able to come over and hang out and have long conversations whenever they want. It’s a way of using stuff to not only ensure love, but also exercise control over your kids after they’re grown up.
I’m not saying that this is precisely what your dad is doing, but there does seem to be an element of “Papa Knows Best” going on there.
Post # 10
@missbumblebee: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth! be thankful for what you get and dont think about what else you could have gotten. In the future be more careful about the “hints” you drop. Or the things that can be mistaken for hints.
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. You registered for something specific and he got something totally different. I am very picky with what I want at times, and if I want something, I buy it. My FH would never accept a computer as a gift because he is very specific with a PC specs (for gaming, ugh, I know!). I look at reviews, prices, features, etc. and will make the choice to buy when I feel confident in the purchase. So if someone thinks my choice “isn’t good enough” and buys something else for me, yes, I will be disappointed because I am looking for specific things in what I choose for my registry. Your dad sounds very sweet but a bit invasive (letting himself in your house is a no-no). It sounds like he is disregarding your boundaries, even though he is gifting you. You need to have a talk with him (probably you and him only, so he doesn’t feel embarrassed in front of your husband), or if he and your husband have a great relationship, they can talk.
ETA: Now if you are getting gifts from people other than close family, yeah, maybe I would say you are being selfish. But come on, this is your dad! You should be able to have an honest conversation with him.
Post # 12
@peachacid: This – they’re gifts. You don’t get to dictate what gifts you receive, because the gifts are the choice of the giver.
Post # 13
I guess I should clarify, I’m not so much upset at the gift itself. Everyone is right a gift is just that and yes my dad is a wonderful loving caring person, but I agree with what others said, it’s a control thing. What frustrates me is that he buys gifts and other things without asking anyone’s opinion, but he gets upset if we buy him something without asking what he wants first. It doesn’t go both ways.
The same goes for if any repairs need to be done on our house, no one it seems is qualified to do the repairs except for him, not DH, not FIL not SFIL
Its the control and not letting us live our lives that I’m frustrated with not the gift itself.
Post # 14
don’t know why people are calling you selfish. how you feel is perfectly justified. just ask for the receipts to return the items and maybe he’ll get the idea, as well as have a proper conversation with him about it.
how irritating that it doesn’t go both ways!
Post # 15
I think the only thing you should say to your dad is that while you appreciate and love his help, you aren’t comfortable with him buying the 2 of you such large and expensive gifts.