Post # 1
First time poster…Here goes: My fiance and I both come from large, tightly-knit families who are still coming to terms with the fact that we don’t live anywhere near them. We had dificulty finding steady jobs and financial footing (thanks student-loans) and have only just recently got our heads above water. We recently spent a significant sum to spend Thanksgiving with his side of the family.
The whole time we were there all I heard from my FMIL was how short this visit was, how much time we spend with my family, how inconvenient and expensive traveling for our wedding will be, how we aren’t allowed to have kids until we move closer to them, how a part of her is sad about the wedding because it just solidifies his life so far away from them (what?! this one was new!), etc., etc.
In my defense, he was living far away long before he met me. We see my family more because, even though my mom is gravely ill, they visit us! His parents refuse to come visit us because traveling is so expensive for them (they have lots of pets) and they don’t like airports. Its expensive for us! We are not established at our jobs! We have maybe 5 days of vacation time to rub together and we are trying have a wedding this year (also $$$ btw)!
GAH! I know I’m being overly sensitive, but the passive-aggressive guilt tripping drives me nuts. How do you all deal? Silently? Fight fire with fire? Wine?
Post # 3
Just ignore it. Nothing good will come of bringing it up.
Unless they start blaming things on you or getting mean.
Post # 4
You and my FI would be BFFs. She sounds EXACTLY like my mom!
I don’t even think I can give you good advice, since FI hasn’t really found a way to deal with it. Deep breaths and wine! Try not to let her crazy self get to you. I KNOW how frustrating it is (she’s my own mother and I can’t stand it). Don’t feel guilty for establishing the life you guys want for yourselves. You’re both adults and your own family now. His mom needs to accept it and move on (a little therapy might help!) If she can’t , that’s her problem. Your FI needs to tell her that you guys aren’t moving period so to stop bringing it up because it’s not going to make it happen! If she’s anything like my mom though unfortunately she will remain in denial and continue doing it :-/
My mom guilted my sister and BIL to move near them and she is miserable now – totally not worth it!
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
Ignore them…as long as you and FI are on the same page, they need to deal with the fact that you two can only travel so much. If they really want to visit, they will…my FI’s parents are pretty much the same way. We take equal trips to either family but they don’t visit us (my mom will, though, but not my dad or sisters). Soon, it will come time when we will do holidays on our own because we are a married couple and having to travel so much on the holidays is taking its toll. We will invite them to our home and see what happens.
Haha, you aren’t allowed to have kids until you live closer? Please…
Post # 6
Yikes! I feel this way too. Absolutely no one comes to visit me and I have to waste all my vacation days visiting family. It’s irritating!
Post # 7
Thanks y’all. Sigh…Sometimes knowing you aren’t alone is pretty good medicine itself.
For all their quirks, they really are kind and welcoming people. I could do a LOT worse. And they raised a pretty spectacular guy. 🙂
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
@somethingbluebonnet: Yeah, my FI is totally nothing like his family; they are just kind of odd and have different work ethic and all that. But I can’t say much either, because my family has more than its fair share of drama as well. Sometimes I wish we came from the same hometown so some of these things will be a non-issue, but sadly, if it weren’t holiday travelling, it would probably be something else, lol.
Post # 9
@somethingbluebonnet: lol, WINE…lots of wine.
I actually just posted a simlar one about my inlaws….coles note version: we live uber close to them right now (not on purpose….), but will be moving about 15-20 min drive from their house to ours when we buy our new place after the Wedding in another area of town…. MIL and FIL are guilt tripping us to the max like we’re moving to another city or province. “HOW do you expect ME to drive ALL THE WAY there to take care of the kids”….um….a) kids arnt even a thought yet….. b) NO ONE said shes going to be their caretaker when it does happen, c) are you kidding me????? it takes me longer to get to the mall sometimes.
“We’re never going to see eachother omg…. I guess I have to get used to the idea your LEAVING ME and moving on”…..quote!!!! not kidding…………………… REALLY????????? WTF man
Post # 10
Oh…and I forgot to mention…. my parents live 5000 miles away, and the FIL’s are from italy where FI was born and they took him away from his home COUNTRY/ and family to bring him here for a better life… you think they’d understand doing what you have to do…..
sometimes I kinda wanna smack a Beatch when comments are made out how inconvenient it will be for them lol… beut …. Ill just have naother glass of red out of respect for FI.
Post # 11
“Yes, it is unfortunate, how’s Aunt Betty?” OR “Yes, it is quite expensive, are you making your famous apple cake tonight?” OR “Yes, it would be nice if we lived closer when the kids arrive, where’s [INSERT FIANCE’S NAME] again?”
Agree, empathize, move one.
Works in almost every situation.
Post # 12
@shanbp: It’s the italian mentality! Literally no one moves away from where their parents live. Actually most adults live with their parents and don’t understand the point of moving out!
It’s a different culture! just have more wine and ignore her
Post # 13
Yes, wine would be good, but for the sake of your FI, I’d empathize with them like (like PP said) and then change the subject. Annoying? Yes. Doable? Probably. Appreciated by FI that you’re keeping the peace? Definitely.
However, I most certainly would point out that the reason you see your family more is b/c they make the travel to see you and that his parents are welcome anytime they want to make the trip if they would like to see you more too.
Post # 14
@walnutgirl: lol, yes i’ve come to learn that. The only topic that concerns me right now is when we decide to have kids…. I’m really hoping that they cant afford to have her quit work (retire) because if she ends up taking care of the kid/s, she will basically …slowly…. move in….”oh its late i dont want to drive home…oh its cold…. oh I have a bag with me…” = WORST NIGHTMARE.
FI is on the same page as me though….as in NOT happening…. but she has her ways let me tell ya lol
pass the wine…..
Post # 15
when she starts…”well it’s very difficult for us to qualify for time off as we are low seniority at work. It’s also very difficult to travel since we are trying to save money for our wedding this year. We really hoped that you would appreciate the visit, so let’s try and have a good time while we’re here.” *big smile*
2 can play at this guit tripping game.
Post # 16
@somethingbluebonnet: I’m dealing with ridiculous comments from my FMIL also. I’ve decided to just kill her with kindness. Most likely the best thing to do is just nod, smile, and completely ignore everything that she says to you.