Post # 1
I’m a new bee that has kind of been lurking and getting comfortable with the site. I’ve been with my BF going on 6 years now. We started off with a year of friendship without even thinking of starting an intimate relationship. I’m 27 pursuing my master’s degree and he’s 29 working on starting his own business. Lately our conversations about the proposal have ended in me upset and not wanting to be bothered by him. I completely understand that a man wants to be at a certain place in his life, but what if he does not reach that place he has envisioned in his mind. There are many things I want and sometimes it just doesn’t work out how I want it and I have to reset and restart. I love him very much and we’ve been through so much together…I’m ready to start a family with him and begin the next chapter of our lives. I have a son from a previous relationship and of course my baby fever has been bothering me lately. I’m not even saying that we need to rush down the alter but I want to start making the steps towards that commitment. His reasoning behind not asking is that he is not where he would like to be in life and when he proposes he wants the option to marry me the very next day. As a woman in my mind I’m flabbergasted by his answer because nowhere in my mind am I trying to rush and get married the next day. Lately I’ve been questioning if I want to continue waiting for his right time…what if that time that he is looking for never comes? I don’t want to look back on my life and think I wasted so much time waiting on his moment. My frustration with him is evident everyday, I get irritated with him quickly and can admit that I am beginning to resent him. Any time he spends money I think that could go towards a ring for my proposal or be put towards savings. I’ve even gone as far as to compromise the ring I want for a filler until he can get me what I truly want. Though he accepted that option he is not big on going along with it. I don’t want to ruin our relationship with my bad attitude but I’m losing my patience and I’m tired of explaining how important this next step is to me. Any suggestions???
Post # 2
This is a very frustrating place to be, I’m sure. I sometimes don’t understand why men who are otherwise established want to wait until they reach a certain place. Marriage is about growing together, ups and downs, so waiting until a perfect moment to start seems a bit silly–marriage won’t always be ‘perfect’. I understand if it’s financial reasons or age, but you two sounds like you both are pretty well-established–you in persuing a degree and him in starting his business. Married people can still go to graduate school or puruse a business opportunity or career path. With that said, you’re in a place where you have a difficult decision to make: do you want to be married in the next few years of your life or do you want to be with him, even if that means he may not want to get married for a long time if at all?
I don’t envy you your position. I think you need to sit down with him and ask for concrete examples as to why he’s waiting. Explore your options; let him know how you feel and try to find out what’s holding him back. Hopefully you can find a compromise best for bothof you. 🙂
Post # 3
I think you should talk with him about it, and if his response is no different or worse, distance yourself.
This isn’t to force him into proposing or changing his plans, it’s for your own sanity and to make it clear to him, and, most importantly, yourself, that you will not wait around for his situation to be exactly what he wants it to be. You don’t have the time for that, frankly; especially since you want children.
It’s been six years. If things aren’t how he wants them to be now, when will they be? I wouldn’t stick around to find out. Getting married and having children doesn’t take all of that stuff that he’s waiting to achieve. Very few people would get married or have children if that was the case. You don’t put off important parts of life while you’re achieving your goals — you live life while you’re achieving your goals.
Edited to add: I highly doubt he won’t get married because he’s not where he wants to be. He doesn’t deprive himself of other things for this “right time” reason, does he? I won’t go into your personal life with him, but I’m sure he didn’t put intimacy off because he wasn’t where he wanted to be in life.
His “right time” rationale is likely just an excuse. That’s what I think, anyway.
Post # 4
Rhopalocera: “You don’t put off important parts of life while you’re achieving your goals — you live life while you’re achieving your goals.” <br /><br />Yes, this exactly! Much better and more succinctly put than my rambling.
Post # 5
6 years?! he needs to shit or get off the pot!
Post # 6
I was also with my FI for 6 years and I told him HEY! I’m not about to be a girlfriend for 10 years! but him and I already have kids so that could be a big factor! How is he with your son? Does he have a Relationship with him?
Post # 7
You are basically looking for a way to make your BF adopt your views on marriage and propose. But that would require that he change and rule number 1 is you can’t change other people. You can change your reaction to them, and after 6 years I’d say it’s time for a different reaction. Hoping, pleading and seething clearly isn’t working for you. To put it mildly i would reevaluate the long term potential for this relationship. IMO it seems rather poor.