Post # 1
Please help . . .
I want to make sure that I navigate this situation the right way before things get really sticky and tricky . . .
FI has always said that family is very, very important to him. So, when it came time to choose bridesmaids for my wedding, I wanted to reach out to FSIL and include her. This is despite the fact that sometimes she’s been rude to me and a bit immature. In their family, I knew it would just cause so many problems not to include her, I figured it was the best way to honor the wishes of my FI and keep things running smoothly.
To make a long story short, it is getting a bit tricky. At first, FMIL told me that I should only have one bridesmaid (FSIL) to avoid drama, but I calmly and pleasantly told her that I would have several, at least two, and she accepted it. FMIL was very concerned about the color of the bridesmaid dress, lest it be a bad color for FSIL because apparently “FSIL is very difficult to shop for, and is very picky about colors” and “we need to make sure it is a dress she can wear again”. The color I originally chose was acceptable to them, so that was no problem. FMIL mentioned it a number of times “And please tell FSIl what color you chose? Yes, oh good.”
Well, now I am thinking of changing the color because of some ideas I’ve had for decorations, and I’m worried that they will be frustrated with me for changing the color.
AND the most awkward thing is that I told FSIL about the websites for several stores where I wanted to look at bridesmaids dresses and suggested we peruse the websites to get an idea of what is there and then set a time and date to go shopping for the dress, and she told me that she would probably look at the websites and then go to the stores on her own and take me back to show me what she had seen and tried on. It almost feels as though she just wants to take over the reigns on the bridesmaid dress decision. I have another bridesmaid besides her (my best friend) who unfortuantely lives too far away to be included in trying things on, but who I also want to have some say in the matter.
Any thoughts on how to handle this?
Post # 3
I would pick a few dresses and let her choose between them. You pick the color and then let her choose. Or, you could have two shades of the same color and let her choose between the two. Ultimately, this is your wedding and not your FMIL or FSIL. If she doesn’t like it, too bad. Yes, you want her to love it and feel great in it. But, when it is her day, she can choose exactly what she wants.
Bottom line- I would choose multiple dresses from the same designer and say “here are your choices, pick which one you love!” Sounds like you’re dealing with a toddler here, and a person who just gives in to the toddler. So, handle things how you would with a child- give them choices, all of which make you happy, and then they will feel like they are in control when they make their choice.
Post # 4
Is there any way you could go with a friend to see someone try on on the dresses and then take her to show her the options. I think by talking about it with FMIL and FSIL they are under the impression that she is the only one that matters. If things get sticky that she insists on something different then what you like I would tell her that it doesn’t go with the feel of the wedding or you aren’t sure it would flatter the other BM.
Post # 5
Is she self-conscious at all? Maybe about her body? It doesn’t sound like she wants to take over, she just doesn’t want to participate in traditional bridesmaid dress picking.
I would allow her to go by herself, but I would limit her choices. And then make sure she knows that the dress she picks would be taken in to consideration with your other bridesmaids choice.
Also, would you be ok with them picking the same color dress but letting them have a different style? This may be more appropriate if there is an argument down the line.
Post # 6
@Miss Mochaccino: I know it is kinds snarky but I would tell her the color you originally wanted is being discontinued and you need to choose another color. Also try something along the lines of “hmm I’m glad you are taking the initivate to go bridesmaid shopping. It’s helpful and I appreciate it. When my other BM comes we will make the final decision based on what single dress makes you both look fantastic”. That way is strokes her ego but lets her know the decision is based on other factors besides her.
Post # 7
Seriously this is ridiculous. Your FSIl doesn’t get to dictate your weddings colors. Yes you should take the bridesmaid feelings into consideration, but this is taking it too far. You can be respectful but still stand up for yourself. Say to FMIL hey I feeling really uncomfortable because I don’t want to upset you guys but I need to make the best choice on what colors work for FI and I, and feel restricted by all the request. I also would stop communicating with FMIL about bridesmaid issues to keep out the drama. Treat your sister in law like your other bridesmaid. Simply pick your color and send them ideas and get feedback from them. If you feel they will be unreasonable about it, then your Fi will need to step in and rein FSIL behavior in.
Post # 8
Thanks for your perspectives on this, ladies. FI and I had a conversation this weekend and we decided our final colors and theme together . . . so I think it will be pretty straightforward getting FSIL to go along with the color. I’ll just send her suggestions of dresses I think will work . . . .like PP said, if I find several acceptable ones and let her select from them, hopefully that will work . ..