Post # 1
So… My FI and I got engaged this past February and are well on our way into wedding planning when last night my FI asks me why his sister isn’t in the wedding… and that he thinks she’s kinda hurt by not.
I explained that we already have our wedding party picked and really I’ve never thought that title “Sister, SIL” was entitlement to position. I mean I wouldn’t expect to be in her wedding.
I’ve had alot of opposition from my FI family since the beginning… everything from clearly not having approval.. to gossip about me.. and even fighting me for position in his life (FMIL and FSIL trying to mommy him and take the “woman in his life” role)
I don’t have any beef with my FSIL or anything like that but don’t really want her in my wedding… I mean I don’t want in more BM (as my FI said he could just ask her long-time, live-in BF to be one of his GM).. and what else am I supposed to have her do?… idk I’ve tried really hard to just keep loving my future family and not let all the little things get to me
BUT…. now I’m not sure how to handle this new family issue….
Post # 3
How about having her as a groomswoman? She’s clearly closer to your FI than to you at this point. If he’s willing to have one more on his side, why not make it her?
Post # 4
You could always ask her to do a reading? That is what I’m doing with the people I still (or my FH) want involved without being in the wedding party?
Post # 5
1st: I don’t think his family would look very approving on that… I’m sure they’d expect me to make her a BM if she were in the party. and
2nd: I would still want our BM/GM sides to match… if he added one I would have to add one as well.
Post # 6
@reneeheartsam that’s a good idea… we weren’t having any readings (want a really short ceremony) but I guess that could definitely be something discussed.
Post # 7
RESOLVE!!!!!!!! *I think*
First thanks so much for ya’lls comments.
I’ve decided to NOT add her to the “party” given we already have everyone picked out and knowing her personally I don’t think it would be in the best wedding planning interest of either me or my FH.
And I also decided to not add a reading in the ceremony…. We really aren’t doing the traditional reading/songs….. just decided it wasn’t us…
after talking with my mom about it she gave me a great idea to “give her a job” that she can take part in the reception….
Our guestbook is NOT the traditional “sign and move on” guestbook (can you tell we aren’t “traditional”? lol) Instead we’re having like a 8×8 scrapbook type page that has special spaces for the guest to write things… and even a place for them to draw our picture =)
What we’ll have the FSIL do is be in charge of collecting all of these throughout the reception and then (along with someone I trust) pick out a few to read to everyone…. almost like a toast considering these pages have an area for: children predictions… advice for the couple…. favorite memory of the day.. and things like that.
I think this will make her feel party of the big day without putting me in a position of worry and such.. just thought i’d update that we had a solution!
Lemme know if ya’ll think that should suffice or not?!.. thanks fellow bees!
Post # 8
If I was your FSIL I think I would be pretty upset if you asked me to run around during the wedding collecting your guest book pages, it sounds more like hired help then “part” of the wedding. My FH is super close with his family and even though his sister and I aren’t close (she’s really shy and trying to talk to her is like pulling teeth sometimes) she’s going to be a BM because it’s important to my FH. If I had a brother I would certainly want him to be part of my wedding and if my FH refused to have him as a GM I would be really hurt.
That’s just my opinion though, and regardless of whether or not you make her a bridesmaid I think you should give her a part in the wedding, not a chore during the reception…
Post # 9
If your FSIL is happy with working on your “guestbook” and doesn’t feel like it’s a job, then I think that is great!!! It sounds like a good compromise to keep her involved in something meaningful without adding to the bridal party.
I really don’t understand why so many people assume that as a sibling or future sibling-in-law they automatically get a role in the bridal party. To me that is frustrating! The groom and bride are supposed to pick the people they are closest to and those who have and will support them on the wedding day.
For our bridal party, HUbs chose his brother, and I had my sister and step sister. I would have chosen the fiance of hub’s brother as well, but FI really only wanted his bro up there with him, and i didn’t want to be too off-balance. I have a brother and 2 step brothers who were not in the bridal party.
However, in some cases I think it can be a very kind gesture to ask future siblings-in-law to stand with you, but only if it’s right for you.
Post # 10
I could see the “hired help” feeling but at the same time I’m gonna have someone do it and I think the reading of them would kinda be like a reading in the ceremony only alot funner with some of the possible responses lol… as for the “party” I just have concerns b/c of previous experience with her..
we are NOT close at all… in fact the only reason we aren’t enemies is b/c I’m just trying love my new family regardless what they do to me…
I originally felt like “I wouldn’t expect to be in her wedding so why would she expect to be in mine” and I talked to my FI about this b/c well I never thought the “title” should give position….
And even more so I’m worried that if I make her part of the party all she’ll do is make her gossip and complaints to my FMIL and FH.. which has been a trend in the past. I know that is will only bring strife with my future family and even moreso FH.
Like @reneeheartsam suggested I thought about the reading but I really don’t want one….
IDK… I know making her a BM isn’t an option…. but I don’t know how to include her otherwise…. hmmmmmm
Post # 11
@mrstilly Thanks for the encouragement…. I’m really tryin here lol
I honestly don’t think she’ll be happy with anything even being BM (oh I could see the complaints of responsibilty coming…)
BUT… my FI wants her to be part of it considering she’s really the only sibling he’s close to.
I’ll definitely talk it over with the FH before deciding anything….. YAY for problem-solving and compromise =)
Post # 12
I’m going to be honest here and it probably isn’t what you want to hear. Your wedding is still quite far away. You have a good 9 months to go. I think you should add FSIL as a BM. She is going to be your family. We asked all siblings to be in our wedding, whether we liked it or not since they are immediate family. I would be very hurt if I wasn’t asked to be in my brother’s wedding when he gets married.
I realize that you aren’t that close to her, but she is going to be your sister. Family is family through thick and thin whether or not you want them to be. Especially because you have already felt that she is hurt by this, you really should reconsider asking her.
Everyone knows that being a program person or guest book attendant (regardless of how involved it is) is a third class job. First is bridal party, then readers, and then these extraneous jobs.
You have more than enough time to include her in the bridal party and even ask another GM if you really want the numbers to match.
As much as weddings are “your day” meaning “our day” – they bride’s day, it is still a family event.
Post # 13
Honestly? I think your FSIL should be a bridesmaid. Yes, you are not super close to your FI’s family but it would clearly mean alot to your FI to have his sibling included.
Do you have any siblings? If so, are they involved in the wedding?
I think it’s a small compromise that will make the world of a difference and the longer you delay in asking her, the more awkward it’s going to get. It’s not your first choice of someone to be in your wedding party but years from now, you might regret not including family.
That’s just my opinion.
Post # 14
@Mrs. Louboutin: Thank you for finally just coming out and saying that…if you FH wants her to be in the wedding, how could you just say no? What is it hurting to have her be a BM, he isn’t asking that she be your MOH…
Post # 15
@Mrs.Louboutin hey I can totally respect the “you’re not going to like this…”
My issues have really been long-term considering we’ve know each other for YEARS…
And really my FH as MANY siblings and none of his brothers are GM so I think he should be able to understand the “closeness = BM” factor.
My person opinion of her really isn’t a factor in deciding other than everything I have included her in.. in any way.. has just GOTTEN BACK TO my FI as something “we need to discuss” after she first went to my FMIL about it. I really do see including her bringing ALOT of strife and that really is the last thing I want….
Me and the In-laws has been alot of “smile and love them” on my part.. BUT I’m a full-time student and have a 5 y/o and am planning and paying for a wedding myself and last thing I want is to add to the stress between my FI and I considering he’s the only part of the family I really care about.
My mom had her FSIL in her “party” and it was a mess for her… she had alot of the problems I’ve had and then she was never invited to take part in her wedding…
IDK.. like I said I’ll have someone in the party do the Guestbook Readings so i don’t consider it a lower job… I mean I want to trust the person picking these things out.. lol And since it’s not overseeing but Reading during the Reception I think it’s still meaningful….
IDK like I said this will be just another thing my FI and I will get to discuss about the new fam….. It’s been quite a few. sigh….
Post # 16
@runsyellowlites: I totally understand that its a difficult dynamic with the in-laws. I think that is fairly normal. I still think that despite all of that and the fact that FSIL may be a pain in the ass, you still have to ask her.
My brother is a complete jackass to the nth degree. He is a BM, chose not to go to the bachelor party because all the guys going were married and he wanted to just get wasted and get laid… which wasn’t going to jive with what the rest of the guys were going to do. That is just one of the many things aside from his complete disinterest. Does it hurt my feelings and FI’s? You bet. Do I wish I didn’t have to have him in the wedding? Yep. But, we still asekd him because he is my brother.
Family can be annoying, judgmental, a total pain, but its family. She is your FI’s sister and she may cause problems, but this is something you really should do. This is you being the bigger person and it may actually really improve your relations with the in-laws if you do ask her.
I’m sorry you are in the position. It sucks trying to make EVERYONE happy, but I really think this is one thing that you should do.