Post # 1
So my fsil and I are not the best of buddies. Over the last 6 years, she has finally appeared to like me, but it has taken such a long time that I am incredible cautious around her. As I start to think about BMs I want to include those that I hold dear to my heart and know that they feel the same about me. Do I include fsil? I feel it would be incredibly awkward if I did and if I did not. Can I include her another way that would not be demeaning to her?
Post # 3
I would say it might depend on how close your FI and his sister are.
My twin brother is my best friend, and my FI knew it would be weird for me if my twin was not in of our wedding party. So he is a groomsman, and FI is totally fine with it. (It also took my twin some time to warm up to the idea of my FI (overprotective brother stuff) but they do get along well.)
If they aren’t particularly close, she could do a reading or otherwise participate in the ceremony. (I have two older brothers who will both be reading.)
Post # 4
I personally think there is no need to include her. I agree with you, if you include her in your bridal party it will be awkward. How old is this person by the way?
I really dont think you "have" to include her just to make it "right". It’s your day and only those people who truly love you should stand by your side.
Post # 5
I say leave her out of the bridal party and ask her to do a reading during the ceremony.
If things are weird between you the wedding planning will only exacerbate it. And if she’s not close with you, she’ll be the odd person out during the bridal party functions.
Being asked to do a reading is an honor. I wouldn’t risk straining a tenuous relationship by including her in the party.
Disclaimer: I’m marrying an only child, so this is purely my personal opinion.
Post # 6
You have no obligation to include your FI’s family in your wedding party. If he feels strongly about his sister being included, she can be one of his attendants. But in general, he gets to pick his, and you get to pick yours. If the two of you aren’t great friends, don’t include her. I’m sure it’s no secret in the family that you have some history, and nobody with any sense should question your decision.
My FSIL doesn’t like me much, and we are not including her at all (except as a guest). We have asked my sister and his brother to be attendants, and we have various friends giving readings. If FSIL has the lack of tact to actually ask why she’s not included, I will just tell her that we assumed she would have more fun, and be able to enjoy the day more as a guest.
Post # 7
As a future sister in law this summer – here is my outlook:
I didn’t want to be a bridesmaid! But, my brother and I are very close and he asked me to be a groomslady – which thrilled me! I really do love my future sister in law – but she has her own people that she grew up with, etc that should be supporting her. I am much happier standing on my brothers side at the actual ceremony. If you aren’t cool with a "mixed" wedding party (which is fine) – just include her otherwise, but perhaps her brother should ask her to participate in a way that he thinks would be meaningful to him – because that is why it will (should) be meaningful to her.
Post # 8
I agree that it completely depends on how close your FH is to his sister. I’m the same as gji7 that at our ceremony my brother will standing next to me, and his sister will be standing next to him. I’m lucky in that I love my FSIL so she would have been a part of everything anyways – definitely don’t do anything that makes you comfortable – it’s your day, and a reading is certainly an honor! Has there been an opportunity for you and your FSIL to get to know each other well? I only ask because mine was living in Dallas for the first 3 years of our relationship – so we’ve only become close the last 2 when she moved back up to Boston.
Post # 9
Are all the other members in his immediate family being represented? His parents get an honor and are noted just for being the parents. If he has brothers, and they are groomsmen, then you should at least have FSIL do a reading. It’s a celebration for his family too, and even if groom and his sister aren’t the closest of siblings, it would be inconsiderate to leave only her out of the ceremony.
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2007 - Ceremony at a cement and stained glass cathedral and reception at a boutique hotel ballroom
I don’t think it’s necessary to include FSIL as a bridesmaid. My FSIL (whom I love) was not part of the bridal party. However, she and my brother (who was not part of the bridal party either) were the first ones to walk down the aisle and light the candles on the altar for our ceremony.
Post # 11
Yup, I agree with the other posters, if you don’t feel close enough to her to include her, then don’t. You are not obligated to! I am not including my fiance’s younger sister, she is MUCH younger than us, actually graduating high school today, and is still going through her "phase", so we never got close enough. However, after we got engaged, I guess she made a comment about how she wanted to be in the wedding. Um, what? I suggested she do a reading, but apparently, she wouldn’t like that. So her and my sister are going to bring up the sand for our sand ceremony. Jeez, I’m not even having my own sister as a BM. I think it’s completely acceptable
Post # 12
I agree that you should not feel obligated to ask her. I am asking mine, but only because I really like her and hope it will be a start to a wonderful friendship:) That being said, when she got married, my FI was on her side. I discussed this option with him, but he felt that she would be excited to be asked to stand on my side.
Post # 13
If she were getting married, would she include you? Would it be considered a "snub" if you were to not include her? Would people be whispering "why isn’t so and so a bridesmaid," and if so, are you okay with it?
I included my FSIL because in my case, the answers to all of those questions were "yes" and while we’re not close, I’ve used this opportunity for us to try to get closer. I guess you just have to choose which situation is less awkward for you!
If she’s not shy, a reading or a toast at the reception may be a good way to go.
Post # 14
I felt obligated to include my FSIL but realized.. the whole idea of having BMs is to have ppl that you love dearly standing next to you when taking this huge plunge. I don’t know her well and don’t love her enough yet so I will not ask her to be my BM. Hope it helped.
Post # 15
Be aware that there may be familial expectations of her being one of your bridesmaids. Asking sisters (your own and his) to be bridesmaids is very traditional (as is asking brothers, yours and his, to be groomsmen). After all, these people will be part of your family, and part of your life for the rest of your life. If his family is traditional, they might see excluding her from the bridesmaid roundup as a snub.
This isn’t really meant to influence you one way of the other. Go with your heart – if you really don’t feel comfortable having her as a bridesmaid, then don’t. She could always be a groomsmaid, or usher, guestbook and gift table manager, reader, or any other role that ‘I really need you for to make the wedding go smoothly’.
I just wanted to mention it so you can make an informed decision. The beehive may think it’s a-ok, but there’s a chance your choice may upset people beyond just yourself, your FSIL, and your fiance.