- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
Need some advice! Sorry super long with lots of backstory.
Ok so me and SO will have been together ten years in May, high school sweethearts soI’ve known his family just as long. I have a good relationship with most of them particulalry his little brother and increasingly with his little sister. His older sister and I however have just never gelled.
Their parents worked abroad and so his big sister really ran their house and was like a surrogate mother, although they’re only a couple of years apart in age. So I think she was always kind of protective mama bear, either way I really felt from the off that she kind of judged me and wasn’t warm. I struggled with this for a long time, because I come from this huge extended African family, everyone is welcome and immediately a part of our family when they come to our home. They on the other hand, and this has manifested in many ways during the course of our relationship, are a very nuclear unit I think because they travelled aroung a lots as kids, didn’t settle, and they’re just very protective and somewhat closed if I’m honest. I came to accept this about them and manage my expectations of what they ‘should’ be like, we’re just different and I learned to deal with that.
I should also say Future Sister-In-Law has always been pleasant, she is a good person, and we woudl never ever fight or have a cross word, we’re way too respectful of each other. Last year she got married, and I was always good friends with her fiance (they’ve been together a year longer than us so have know him just as long) and so I made a big effort with her wedding. Putting together mood boards, bridal and bridesmaid shopping, buying the bridesmaids accessories, taking them to African shops for their traditional outfirt, I even did the girls’ make up on the day and was a church usher. I didn’t mind, I was happy to help cos I consider them family. I wasn’t a bridesmaid and that was ok with me cos we were never close but together they meant a lot to me so I wanted to help. Through this process, we became much closer, having honest conversations with each other and the like. But on the day, when it came to the photographs at the reception, where they were taking family pictures I wasnt included. They had cousins and uncles but not me and I was recently engaged to their brother. I was devastated. Not so much upset with any one of them (except SO but forgave him because he has remarkable tunnel vision) but more that after 9 years and a pending wedding, I was still not considered family, I felt what more could I do, and that I would never be. Although I’m not mad at her about this, intellectually I know she was busy and probably didn’t think, I would be lying if I said this hadnt set our relationship back. That closeness we had developed has been lost and things are back to pleasant, and nice, but not much depth there.
Anyway fast forward a 6 months and I’m getting married. I’ve tried to include her in my plans as much as possible, scheduling my dress shopping around when she’s in the country, sending her ideas when I need advice and she is responsive but not proactive like I was which is cool. I chose 6 bridesmaids for my big African wedding and SO asked me to ask his lil sister which I did, so its 7. Now all of them, to an extent, were out of some sort of obligation. Don’t get me wrong, I love them to bits but they’re all family and felt I had to have them, sisters and close cousins. BUT we’re also having a traditional local wedding (we’re getting married in Africa) a few days earlier and I automatically assumed I’d have the same bridemaids. But my girlfriends have been sooo amazing, I thought wouldn’t it be nice if I got them to do the traditional ceremeony instead, just the women who are special to me and there’s no obligation to have them, other than my thanks for them being in my life and celebrating this day. Now my SO loved this idea, but he aked that I include his big sister as she’s not otherwise a part of the celebrations. I said no because the whole point is this is obligation free. Anyway, he’s upset. I tried to say that we’re not close enough for that anyway and he said we should be, maybe this will change that and would it kill me to include her? He’ll accept my decision either way.
So what do I do? Am I being petty just not letting her in, it woudlnt kill me, but I feel like it would defeat the purpose, I could just leave the main bridesmaids to do it. Do you think I’m somehow punishing her for photogate? Am I right not to include her?
Thanks in advance!