Post # 1
My FSIL is pregnant with baby #2 (YAY!) and shes due in May, which means her baby will be 7 weeks old when the wedding comes. I asked her what she wanted to do for the wedding, whether she wanted to back out or not because she will be breast feeding. She told me she would still be in the bridal party however she wont be around much because she will be focused on the baby (UNDERSTANDABLY!)
This shocked me because I was expecting her to back out.. And to be honest, it would make things A LOT easier. She already said that she would need to be the first one out of the salon, and would not be standing with me at the church, and wont be around for pictures at the park. She also expexts us to work our pics around her schedule and she wants to use the bus to breastfeed which is cool but that means the other 15 people of our bridal party will be sitting outside all hot and humid waiting for her so they can relax while FI and I get our pics done. Umm, so what is her role really? She called it an “honourary bridesmaid”
The day of we will already be tight on time, and now with her expecations to work our day around her breast feeding times, its going to be a disaster. Im getting anxiety thinking about it.
She asked me if I had someone in mind to replace her and I said yes. The person already knows the situation and understands with whatever happens. Shes ready to step in if need be. Logistically though for my FSIL to be in it will only cause addes stress on me that day and I probably wont enjoy my day and there will most likely be resentment. Call me selfish but I think I should be able to enjoy MY day and not work around anyone else.
FI is in agreeance however he doesnt want to hurt his sisters feelings. To honour her in the wedding he wants her to walk him down the aisle and she can keep her dress (although it is NOT a breastfeeding friendly dress. Yikes!)
I am planning on telling her that out of everyones best interest (mine, my FI’s, hers, her husbands, and everyone in the bridal party) that it would be best if she stepped down. She can keep her dress if she wants, or she can give it to the BM and she’ll pay for it. She will be honoured in other ways, but to have a 7 week old and be a bridesmaid will be too much for her (and me) to handle.
What do you ladies think?
Post # 3
Why can’t everyone be on the bus when she feeds the baby? they do make special cover ups for breast feeding moms who want a little privacy….
Besides… Breastfeeding isnt a taboo thing!
Or or better yet? Why can’t she pump the morning of and her husband can feed the baby? Plus if she pumps that morning she won’t feel engorged and can hold off breast feeding baby until the reception… Surely her husband can handle things for a couple hours
Post # 4
@Makemeamrs: True but you can’t really tell someone when to pump.
I think you need to replace her. Do you think she’d be really pissed if you did? I thnk you need to be honest with her and say that working around her schedule is causing you a lot of anxiety and that you completely understand in position.
Post # 5
@MsBark: She can likely fulfill the role if she chooses to. But that would mean participating in the processional, standing with you at the front of the church and getting pictures done with the rest of the wedding party. If she doesn’t feel she can do that, then I would offer her the title of honorary BM.
You don’t need to empty the bus for her to breastfeed. By 7-8 weeks she will be either experienced at breastfeeding or able to offer a bottle or both. Mothers can nurse discreetly anywhere.
I would let her make the choice but based on the expectation that she will be able to be in the processional, stand with the rest of the bridal party during the ceremony and get pictures taken.
You can both be a bit flexible.
Post # 6
@MsBark: “and would not be standing with me at the church, and wont be around for pictures at the park.“
Call me a boitch if you like but, in my opinion, if you can’t do those two things – which are about the only two things a BM must do – then you can’t be a bridesmaid.
I think she needs to be politely and sensitively told that given that she can’t do the bare essentials, it’d be better all round if she wasn’t a BM. She can still attend the pre-wedding events if she’s up to it, and will be in the family photos, etc. etc. (EDIT: I like your FI’s idea of her walking him down the aisle).
I suggest you offer to buy the BM dress off her. Even if you can’t reuse it, it’s a good will gesture that she doesn’t need to be out of pocket.
I also agree that, bridesmaid or not, she doesn’t get your bus to herself for breastfeeding. She can find a private place of course, but not something you’ve hired for everyone.
p.s. I’ve been there. I opted out of being a BM for my sister because I was going to have a 2 month old. (Though this was before she asked anyone). It was easier for everyone.
Post # 7
@julies1949: She requested that she be alone on the bus to feed. She expects me to bend, A LOT. She doesnt pump either and her first child who will be 18 months is the flower girl, so her husband will already be running around with her.
The ceremony is done at 2 and reception starts at 5:30. The park is 5mins away from the church however it is 30mims away from the hall. Which means we’d have to hurry and take our pics, get in the bus and head to the hall. I dont feel as though there will be enough time to work around her schedule.
Post # 8
@skippydarling: Shes not very confrontational and doesnt like drama so I dont think she’ll be upset.. At least I hope not. I dont want to start a marriage off with resentment!
Post # 9
@MsBark: As I said, I would just tell her that I needed her to fulfill the basic duties, she doesn’t get the whole bus to herself, and she needed to be available for pictures, otherwsie she can stand down.
Post # 10
@paula1248: thats what I am saying!!! I will still treat her as a bridesmaid, purchase her a BM gift and she can take part in all pre-wedding activities.
Post # 11
@MsBark: I think you need to set boundaries. Tell her what you expect and what accomidataions you are willing to make for her. If she can’t meet those, then she can back out. I wouldn’t kick her out because that may strain your relationship, just be firm about your boundaries.
Also if she steps down, I wouldn’t replace her. That is completely rude to her and the girl you are replacing her with. It tells the girl being replaces that she was just a prop for your pictures, even sides aren’t necessary. And it tells the girl replacing her that she is second best. Not good enough to make the first round, but because you have some need for even sides you will take her second round.
Post # 12
@MsBark: Um. No. No no no no no!
She wants to wear the dress, have her har and makup done, ditch you, steal our bus for breastfeeding but not be in the pictures, look like the bridesmaids but do nothing they do, she won’t even stand up with you? She’s just gunna be a huge drag, she’s just tagging along for the bits she wants to and that is totally rude and unacceptable. She should be thinking about you first, I wouldn’t do this to someone I hated let along my FSIL…
This just boggled my mind. You need to tell her;
- She cannot have the bus. She can step outside or use a coverup, she can pump and use a bottle, but she cannot have the bus. My future nephew (5 months now) takes 30-45 minutes to feed and always has, I could not force the entire BP outside for that long in the heat, it is unfair and obtrusive of her.
- She must walk the aisle, and stand with you. This is the main duty of a bridesmaid and represents the entire reason for being a bridesmaid. If she doesn’t stand with you, she isn’t a bridesmaid. Besides, unless you are having an hour long ceremony, I don’t see why baby must be attached to her hip minute-to-minute. Little bubs sleep, a lot.
- She must be in formals. So, she cannot take any photos with you? This I simply don’t understand. Why can’t someone else look after sleeping bubba in the bus while she takes photos? Its not like you are asking her to leave her baby at home and come take photos for hours and hours on end… They don’t take that long!
@blueEyes90: I have to disagree. I would be more honoured to have been asked in the first place and subsequently replaced when I stepped down than not to be asked at all. I would also be far more honoured to be asked to step up as a replacement than not at all.
The one being replaced knows there has to be someone next down the line in the brides wishlist. Everyone has more people they wish they could ask than they realistically can. And being the replacee, it would kind of hurt knowing there is an open spot but she didn’t even ask you. :/
Post # 13
@MsBark: I think you should ask her to stand down if she really wants to make such a big deal out of breastfeeding.
I’m a total supporter if it, and I’m a mom. My SIL had a 1 month old on our wedding night- and he stayed overnight at someone’s house. We did not expect that– the baby was more than welcome at our wedding.
Generally, I would respect the mother’s standpoint from a parenting side- and then the bride’s — from a bride’s standpoint. Is there a reason why your FSIL can’t pump– or why the entire day has to work around her breasfeeding schedule? From what you’ve explained, it seems a little over the top. I know some people might say it’s insensitive for me to suggest she pumps, but I think it’s important for Dad to bond with baby at feeding time, too– so pumping can actually be cosidered a good thing.
I think what you’re going to do sounds about right for this situation.
Post # 14
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
I think both of you will have a better time if she just steps down. I’m sure she really wants to be a bridesmaid, but with a seven week old baby it’s just not going to be fun on the day.
Not only will it be difficult with her schedule and yours, but what do you do if your trying to get ready and the baby is crying and crying? I found getting ready on time was quite stressful even without that.
You might end up resenting the extra stess and inconvenience and she might find she is struggling to do all her duties and cope with the baby. In the end it would be better for both of you and your relationship as sisters-in-law that she steps down.
Both of you can relax on the day and do what you need to do. Just make sure you get her and the baby in some special family photos so she doesn’t feel left out.
Post # 15
Ok my spelling there was atrocious, please ignore that!
Post # 16
@blueEyes90: my FSIL asked if I had a back up just in case. The replacement is a friend of mine who I met and grew VERY close with after I chose my bridal party (3 years ago). We were supposed to get married 2 years ago but FI’s father passed so it wasnt the right time. She is not second best.