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My future sister in law has recently sent my fiance and me an extremely hurtful email disowning us both and saying that we are not welcome at her wedding. We are not certain of her reasoning, as it seems completely illogical, but it seems that it has to do with us setting our wedding date 3 months before hers.
My FI and I have been together for 4 years and he just asked me to marry him at the beginning of December. A week before this his sister told him that she was planning on getting married at the end of November 2012. Once we were engaged and trying to plan a date, we realized that the only time we could have the wedding is the beginning of September (we have now set the date for September 1st). So there are a good three months between our wedding and hers (which is Nov. 29th). We had to do this for a number of reasons - 1) my work does not allow me to take off time from June-Aug (written in my contract), 2) we are getting married in a cold climate so can only feasibly get married beginning of september 2012 or wait all the way until the end of May - in which case we WOULD NOT be able to take a honeymoon bc of said contract, and 3) we do not want to wait 18 months from now to get married!
We told his sister about out date selection in person and she DID not express any problem - she actually seemed happy - asking me about how big it would be and the wedding dress, so we assumed there wasn't a problem.
I'll also mention here that she got engaged in fall of 2010, and has taken this long bc she got pregnant a month after the engagement. They have only been together for about 2 years.
She said a lot of hurtful things in the email about how we are not interested in her and her family and how inconsiderate we are of her feelings because we have booked our wedding "just weeks before" hers... it's 3 months!! I also have loads of fb messages and emails of asking her about her pregnancy, arranging times to meet up, going to her babyshower, telling her congrats about her engagement, baby etc.
I even begged my boss to let me take UNPAID leave to go to her wedding. We are not stealing her spotlight - we would only have her parents as the same guests, and they have already said they are going to both. Her aunt said she wouldn't be able to make it to both, so we told her to go to the sister's wedding - we told guests to go to hers! Isn't that considerate???
She said in an earlier email that she wouldn't be able to come bc she did not have enough holiday left... and they have enough money, so we don't understand why we have been disowned. This is what the last few lines of her email were:
"You have no idea how much you’ve hurt me. I feel so sad that because of the way you disregard me it’s come to this. With a heavy heart I need to explain, you and (your fiance) are no longer welcome at our wedding. I see no reason in trying anymore to forge a relationship with you when it is clearly not reciprocated, so from now I will not attempt to be a part of your life. Im sure this letter with have little or no impact on your lives, but it’s a weight off my shoulders that I don’t have to worry about you anymore."
Where is this coming from??? Please I need honest opinions. Have we done something wrong? Her baby is only 7-8 months old - could it have to do with the stress of that? She also recently went back to work? Her fiance goes out and leaves her alone at home quite often? We feel she is making a very big mistake that she is going to regret. We are very insulted and hurt at her comments, but we are willing to forgive her, but we don't know if she will come around. We spoke to the father and he is going to speak to her.. hopefully we will find out more, I will let you know.
Honestly... it sounds like something else is going on. I mean, without knowing everyone involved, it's hard to say a simple "X is wrong". Has your FI talked to his parents? Do you think she might be dealing with stress and just need some time to cool down?
What a cuckoo. Personally, I'd ignore her tantrum and see if you still aren't invited come December. This question comes up a lot on the Bee and I've never once seen that 3 months for siblings is considered 'too close'. It sounds like they've had plenty of time to set a date, and they can't expect you to all put your lives on hold for their wedding. You listed some pretty specific restrictions for when you can get married, so it sounds like you did your best to put some distance between the weddings.
What do the parents think? Sounds like they are ok with it? Ugh, how rude and annoying!
I don't think a sibling can technically "disown" another sibling...
I think your FI needs to speak with her (and possibly their parents) about where this is coming from, I would take a step back from it yourself. Maybe she is just seriously stressed out and you're the recipient of some misplaced anger?
I would try and talk to her about this in person or at least over the phone. Be honest with her that you have no idea what this is about, but don't accuse her of anything. Perhaps you did/said something and had no idea? Does your FI have any ideas about this?
I am sure she is just upset since she is probbly hearing that people are already having to choose whos wedding to go to. Even though you have good reasons for picking the date you did, no bride wants there to be added stress in regards to their wedding. I am sure she just needs some time to cool off.
"Her fiance goes out and leaves her alone at home quite often? We feel she is making a very big mistake that she is going to regret.:
As far as that goes, maybe she can feel your judgements and doesnt want people around who don't support her marriage.
@hisgoosiegirl: There's just the dad and a stepmom (the mother passed away a few years ago). The dad didn't know we had told her and that she hadn't said hadn't voiced her problems with it. The day after we told her our date she sent out her Save the Dates.. we also sent the date to the father on the same day we told her (the day before her save the dates). He initially thought we were trying to upstage her or something, but when we explained the constraints, he completely understood. He also very much appreciated us taking the initiative to tell the aunt she didn't have to decide - that she should go to the sister's. The fsil doesn't know we did this and she also doesn't know I took unpaid leave to attend her wedding that I am now not invited to. We're hoping that the dad will mention these things and that she will realize she is in the wrong?
@MrsMeNow: My point about the fiance is that she might have more stress. I have no doubt that they have a good relationship and that he is a very good guy. I just think she has take care a lot, which I bet is hard.
The mistake was NOT the fiance - I meant disowning us.
@kitty11: I am glad you clarrified that. I read it a completely different way.
@kitty11: I'm wanting to agree with the other PPs the more I think about this......it sounds like something else is going on with her, there is no reason for her to 'disown' you over your wedding dates. I think if your FI wants to try to talk to her about it, then that might be a good idea, but if she isn't receptive to it, then there's not much you can do. I really don't think you are in the wrong here, and she is completely overreacting. So until she realizes that, you can't really do much.
Yeah, it sounds like something is not quite right in her head. I can get if you were both having a DW and people had to choose, but honest to goodness. She might be post partum. I was post partum and did not even realize it until our youngest was about 6 months old. I don't think this is a matter of right and wrong.
Honestly, I would send her an email saying that you're sadded by her decision but that you respect it.
Really. Just that one sentence. I bet you'll get a big long email back from her and you'll be invited again in two weeks. Pregnancy and childbirth does NUTSO things to you.
I can see how or why she may be upset (there are tons of stolen thunder threads on here where the "special day" lasts +/- 3 months) but that doesn't mean she is allowed to be upset. Like you said, three months is quite a long time before hers. It isn't your fault she chose to have a 2+ year engagement, so she's being ridiculous.
@ViaMinorViator: I'm scared she is talking or has already talked to all her friends etc and told them she has disinvited us, which is going to make it hard for her to take that back - at least from a pride perspective. I think she's twisted things in her head about us not caring about her etc, bc there are just SO MANY emails of us reaching out to her. Here's another excerpt from her email...
"When have you taken any interest in me or my family? Not once did you enquire about how my pregnancy was going. Not once have you reached out to see your nephew, the only times you’ve seen (him) has been when prompted or arranged by me; I always find myself making excuses for your behaviour because you are my brother and I should love you unconditionally but now with the extraordinarily selfish decision you two made to get married just weeks before us, I have had enough."
Again, it's 3 months! I agree that it's maybe postpartum? Don't women who have it feel like they don't have enough attention etc?
I was in a similar situation. My sister got engaged 5 months after I did, but planned her wedding for 6 months before mine. At first, I was really upset...after all, being engaged is a special time, and not to sound selfish, but I felt that she was "stealing my thunder." And to be honest, she kind of did. Everything switched from my wedding to hers in a matter of minutes, and it was very hurtful. But in the end, I realized that if I wasn't going to be happy for my sister, than I was a horrible sister. This is a happy time for the whole family, and I can't let this stand in the way of our relationship.
I think that maybe your FI needs to sit down and talk with her, maybe get their parents involved, and talk about this. In the end, she is being selfish-bottom line. BUT, I would take into consideration the things that she is doing for her wedding, and make sure to not use any of the same ideas.
I think that she is being immature about it. Telling you that you aren't invited to her wedding?? Grow up.
She gets one day. You get one day. She has no reason to complain about your wedding date. Everyone plans their wedding for the times that work best for them as a couple, end of story. It is not up to her to judge you for that.
Also remember that goes both ways - so she has been in her relationship for less time than you. So what? That doesn't make it any less valid. I agree she is being unreasonable, but you did sound a little judgemental of her in your original post.
You will have 2 different weddings and both will be lovely and special, regardless of how close or far apart they are in time.
An aside, postpartum depression is very serious and if you think she is actually depressed, you need to talk to her or her family about it. PPs, don't blame this outburst on something like that, it runs the risk of negating someone's clinical psychological disorder.
We also just don't understand why she hadn't said something earlier? Why did it come to this all of a sudden? Honestly, if I could have it in the summer, I would, but as I said, my contract does NOT allow that. The only feasible time we could have it AFTER her would literally be September 2013. And I think it's super selfish to ask someone to wait that long? Especially since we've been together for 4 years already...???
@futuremrsfitz18: Yes, I'm not an expert on that.. So I probably shouldn't comment. I don't know if there is any depression, but all I see is the extremely uncharacteristic behavior. I don't think their relationship is any less valid - I just feel from little things she has said that she might think ours isn't as important as hers because we don't have a baby yet.
I'm sorry if I came across as judgmental - I am just very hurt by her email and actions and who wouldn't tend to be judgmental after receiving such an email??
Sorry but she's being a total bridezilla, and incredibly selfish to boot. A wedding only lasts one day - three months is ages!
Also if my SIL (or even a friend) was getting married close to the same time as me, I'd be so excited: "Ohmigod we're both getting married, eek! Let's go dress shopping together and go to wedding fairs!" etc. It wouldn't even occur to me to disown her. There are thousands of couples getting married within that three month period - even on the same day - so there's no point in having a strop about it. Totally ridiculous imo.
How is she going to explain to her parents that she had a bridezilla fit and excluded her brother from her wedding because he dared to get married in the same year?!
I would not start an email war with her by replying. I would have her brother go speak to her in person and see if he could smooth things over. Sometimes its easier for people to say hateful things in an email, so maybe if he speaks to her directly, you will find out exactly what she is upset about. The fact of the matter is that you two will be family soon and it will be in your best interest to smooth things over if at all possible. I know it sucks being the bigger person when someone is irrational, but its sometimes what we have to do when it comes to family.
I'll also mention here that she got engaged in fall of 2010, and has taken this long bc she got pregnant a month after the engagement. They have only been together for about 2 years
I met, married, and had children with my husband in a shorter time than that, and I know being judgmental about people in that way can lead to problems with friendship and family.Just something to think about, because there is some disdain coming across in your tone, even if it is not intentional. It could be coming across IRL as well.
It almost kindasorta sounds like she is going through postpartum depression, because the tone of this email is very irrational if you can't imagine your or your SO doing anything to her personally. But without knowing the whole story it's hard to tell.
Sorry to hear you have to deal with someone like that.
I do not see you at fault. You can plan your wedding for whenever the heck you'd like! Maybe she wants her wedding first because she has been engaged so long? Well, that surely isn't your problem. I'd say stick to your date and try to put this behind you, hopefully she will come to terms with herself and apologize to you and your Fiance.
Def. do not reply to the email or post anything having to do with the situation or your wedding on facebook. That will just cause more drama for her to feed off of.
Honestly, this sounds a LOT like my FSIL. I'm so so so so sorry that you have to go through this. It sounds like you all live fairly close to one another. is there any way that you could ask her and her FI to sit down and discuss all of this with you and your FI? It seems strange that she wouldn't want her own brother at her wedding? I'm really wondering if there's something else going on in your FSIL's life that she's not talking about? My FI and I sometimes wonder if his sister has some bi-polar tendencies. Their Dad had really long-standing undiagnosed bi-polar I. This really really sucks, and I wish there was more that we could offer. *hugs*
@KatyElle: agreed.
OP: it is not your place to judge someone else's relationship, if you are going the 'we were together longer so we should be allowed to get married first' what about them being engaged first? you said they were waiting two years because she was pregnant, sounds like a valid reason to me! babies are expensive, it would be hard to afford the wedding of their dreams and a baby at the same time! everyone deserves the wedding of her dreams, or don't you agree?
what's wrong with waiting 18 months?
i do understand both sides, just remember that your wedding is so shortly before hers that people will remember yours, there may be comparisons, and she may worry that hers won't measure up to yours. just offering a different perspective
The only person that is wrong here is your FSIL for sending you this message and not her brother. This appears to be a family issue (in her head or not) that needs to be dealt with by other family members first.
I guess I'm in a similar situation in that my best friend decided to set her date 8 weeks before mine. We are in each others bridal parties and the guest overlap will be huge. Honestly, at first it felt like my thunder would be stolen but I'm being supportive. As long as we are both willing to be attentive to both weddings and not adopt the attitude that we need to do things in a certain order (i.e. we can't organise your x until we've done mine) then I think things will be fine. To be honest it's more of an issue when you're really close friends because of the amount of support and effort that goes into being a bridesmaid. But if it was another friend and i wasnt a bridesmaid, they could get married 2 weeks before me and it wouldnt bother me. On the day no one can steal your spotlight, but in the organisation process it would be easy to step on toes. It sucks to be the one that set the date first, because it means the decision of how close the weddings are is out of your control. Since she probably feels like she has a lack of control over the situation, it might be helpful to ask your FSIL what she would have done if she was in your situation. But really, 3 months is not close enough to steal someone's thunder. I've seen brothers and sisters that have weddings close together and its the sister who usually gets more attention from her family because she is the bride. I think you just need to make a fuss over her and make it known that her wedding is important to you. I'm only saying this because she is family and while you are not in the wrong, you do need to be there for her and try your best to save the relationship. And she needs to realise that your day will come and go, then she'll have a whole 3 months of being the centre of attention in the lead up to her day.
P.S. I was engaged first and set my date before my friend's engagement, and while I would have loved to get married first I know that I am not automatically entitled to. It's not right to tell someone how long they should wait to be married.
I think she's being totally unreasonable and WAY over reacting to the situation. It's 3 months, that's a long time. She needs to get off her high horse.
It has to be something else going on with her. My sister and I are getting married 2 1/2 months apart then my bestie is getting married 2 months after me. No big deal. Actually my date was a month before my sister's but since it was gonna be outdoors I wanted to go with a cooler month. She'll come around. Send her back an email and tell her you guys love her and hopes she changes her mind.
It really does not sound like it is about the date or having her thunder stolen. Why is that the reason you have assumed since she does not mention it in her email?
If it is truly just the date she is so upset about, she should count herself lucky that her brother's wedding date is her biggest worry in life- watching the news might help her put things in perspective. However, I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that this has to be about more than you guys getting married before her. My guess is that she is unhappy about other parts of her life (the fact that her husband goes out all the time and leaves her home with the baby is something that I'd imagine she is not so happy about...who would be??) and you and your FI are bearing the brunt of it because she can't deal with her own issues. Either way, I'd suggest you and your FI sitting down with her (no email or texts) to try and resolve whatever the real issues are, so none of you regret not being a part of each other's wedding 10 years down the road.
I would try not to focus on her too much. Honestly, if you guys are still shunned from her wedding, she is the one who is going to look like an ass-hat when everyones notices that her own brother isnt there.
Look at the posts here on the bee that have so many women feeling as though their thunder has been stolen.
I don't get it. How much attention does one bride need.
But, I still think she is in the wrong. You can only control how you act.
Good riddance to bad rubbish. She might regret her actions later.
I feel like we don't have the whole story here... can you put her whole email instead of just the end?
My sister in law set their wedding date for the weekend before ours after ours was paid for and we didn't throw that kind of fit. (though it was a lousy thing to do). It sounds like she is sleep deprived and overwhelmed with motherhood and wedding planning.
My sister in law set their wedding date for the weekend before ours after ours was paid for and we didn't throw that kind of fit. (though it was a lousy thing to do). It sounds like she is sleep deprived and overwhelmed with motherhood and wedding planning.
It doesn't actually seem personal and 3 months is plenty of time between weddings, IMO. She probably just needs prozac or is really upset about something else. I wouldn't force the situation. Just focus on your wedding and make it beautiful!
There was just a post about this -a similar situation in reverse last night on the bee. Someone was upset that their sister got engaged after them and set the date before them. I told them I totally understand how they feel and that it is not very cool to set a date before a sister when that sister was engaged first.
So, honestly, I think that if she got engaged first - you shouldn't set a date before her date.
Hello everyone. thanks for all the comments. sorry i haven't responded in a while, i didn't realize so many people had posted.
well, so a few days after this post we sent an EXTREMELY loving email to her saying we didn't understand where all this was coming from and explained why we had to have the wedding when we are etc. and we told her we care about her and want her in our lives etc. it was extremely nice.
she responded by saying essentially that what we had written didn't change anything and that unless we change our wedding date, her "view of our relationship hasn't changed".
My fiance then decided to call her and all she did was shout at him and tell him that he is wrong and then it came out that she does not have as much holiday as she told him she does and that they cannot afford to attend our wedding (which was also extremely unexpected because they always make comments that suggest they have a lot of money).
He said ok to all that and that he understands why they are unable to come and said he's sorry about that, but that doesn't change that we are going to have it then (we have already made a massive down-payment). He said she should have told us this when we told her our date, not over a month later when it can't be changed. He also said he doesn't understand why this means she has to disown us and disinvite us to her wedding just bc she can't come to ours....
He then asked if he could meet up just him and her and she said she'd ask her fiance and get back to him that weekend. It's been over two weeks since that weekend, so we're at a loss.
He emailed his dad about it recently but we haven't heard back. .. that dad also tried to talk to her to no avail. she also referred to me as "your girlfriend" a number of times when she was talking to my fiance, which angered him, but he didn't say anything, as he just took the hit and didn't really say anything against what she was saying because he thought that would make things worse..
@MrsPom: Sorry, i'd rather not, as she might find it on here, and i wouldn't want to hurt her feelings/take away her privacy more than we already have.. i didn't want to post on this, but i really needed to get other people's opinions who are in similar situations etc. do you have a specific question? I thought I summarized it pretty well..
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