FSIL dragging her feet with BM invite

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
42135 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

balletbride12:  if your wedding date is correct in your profile, I suggest you have loads of time before you need to give any more thought to this.

Being 6’2″ and still in high school, is it any surprise that she might feel a little awkward? Cut her some slack.

Post # 5
2328 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

balletbride12:  I don’t think you need to wait for her to agree to send the invites – generally the other way around actually 😉  Perhaps sending the invites out will cue her in that she’ll need to give you an answer.  Also I think even if she says no it’d be a nice gesture to send her the invite, it sounds like you’re making something special and I’m sure she’ll treasure it either way.  Maybe you can write on her invite that you understand her qualms about being a BM and you’re happy with whatever level of participation she feels comfortable with.

Post # 6
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My FSIL is incredibly shy and while I absolutely do not want to force her to do something she’s not comfortable with, I too, really need an answer. As it stands, she will be my only BM and that’s IF she agrees. I asked her to be a BM about a week after we got engaged and she said that she had to think about it. I’m still waiting on a decision.

OP, I would just send her the invitation and let her decide from there. Hopefully that will be the push she needs in order to make a decision.

Post # 7
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

She’s a senior? So 17-18? Right, she’s not 12. Have a conversation with her and her mom.

“I love you like a sister, that’s why I asked you to be in my wedding. No matter what you choose, I’ll love you. But, I need an answer now. There are a lot of details that need to be addressed, and I can’t address them until I have your answer.”

Boom. Easy peasy. No pushing, some reassurance and you get your answer.

Post # 8
7920 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

balletbride12:  she obviously doesn’t want to or she would have said yes. shes just dreading saying no. I would call her and say “hi future sis, I take it that you arent that interested in being a BM which is totally fine. I get that it can be a pain and I am happy to have representative of your fam with (other sister) are you sure you don’t to though? Id love to have you but I totally understand if you’d rather not.”

Shell either say omg I don’t know how you got that impression id love to! Or honestly, thank you- I’d rather not. Just be nice, give her an out, and don’t make seem like your feelings are on the line.

Also its pretty rude to refer to her as an amazon- I hope you’re not adding to her insecurity in real life. 

Post # 9
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Tell her you’re going bridesmaids dress shopping and ask her to join in.  If she says no (to either going or trying dresses on), then you will have your answer. 

More than likely, she is afraid of hurting your feelings by saying no to you and has not said anything in order to avoid saying no.

Just let her know that you understand and are ok with a no.

Post # 10
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

balletbride12:  is she worried that she won’t find a BM dress? If it has to do with that, you could ask her if she would feel more comfortable if you guys went shopping and tried on BM dresses to see what’s out there. No pressure though. If she found something she liked, it could help her decision but with your comment on her being sensitive it could also mean that she may decide against being a BM if she can’t find something. It could help get you an answer and if she decides against you could always let her know that you still would want her as a BM if she would ever change her mind. I will say though I dislike your moms comment on things. I have the outside perspective but don’t see where you guys gave her any indication that she needed to rush to make a decision. therefore what she has done shouldn’t be called rude or disrespectful. If you know the reasons she is waiting to make her decision then ask her if there is anything you can do that will help her make her decision. When you offered the readings or other things she could do what was his sisters response?

Post # 11
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

balletbride12:  When my FSIL asked me to be a bridesmaids, I was so excited and happy to be in my brother’s wedding.

I don’t know, I kind of find is selfish of her that she doesn’t want to be in it because she’s really tall. It’s her brother’s wedding. She needs to put her feelings aside and think about him and you. 

Post # 13
1801 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with a lot of PPs…she’s stalling saying no 

Post # 14
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

If she wanted to be a bridesmaid, she would have said so. It is really hard to turn down being a bridesmaid; as you said, your mom thinks she is being selfish and rude. There are plenty of people who think there is no polite way to turn down being a bridesmaid, because to turn it down at all is a horrible offense to them. A high school girl who doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid is thus in an awkward position because she will not want to be offensive, but has no clue on how to say no in a way that won’t make her own family and your family angry at her. She is looking for excuses that aren’t persuading anyone. Many teenagers avoid conflict by just shutting down, using stalling tactics, or being evasive. 

I think she does not want to be bridesmaid, but does not want to be blamed or to take responsibility for that opinion. She is pushing this decision off on you. If you uninvite her, then no one can be angry at her — but she can tell random aunts and cousins that she wasn’t invited (if they ask). If you force her, or get her mom to force her to be bridesmaid, then she doesn’t have to take responsibility for accepting a role she finds awkward and can justify acting surly. Avoiding a decision is more rude than saying that she would rather go as your guest and just sit with her parents. I notice that she has not spoken about this with you, but rather sent her mom as ambassador. To me, it sounds like she does not have the maturity to be your bridesmaid and will be a pain in the neck for the rest of your wedding prep. 

You have to decide on how badly you want to force a passive-aggressive teen into being forthright. This does not sound like an enjoyable task. You could certainly do so, in any of the numerous polite ways mentioned on this thread. 

I think it would be easier on everyone for you to take the responsibility off her shoulders and send the invitation to the sister who has let the words, “I would like to be your bridesmaid,” escape her lips. The teen has had several months to express in some fashion that she would like to be your bridesmaid, and she has done the opposite. Not getting that invitation is the natural consequence of treating you like she doesn’t want to be your bridesmaid for months.

Alternatively, you could ask her an open-ended question of what, if anything, she would like to do at your wedding ceremony or as part of your wedding prep. It may be that she wants to show up, watch the ceremony, and eat cake, and that should be fine. 

Post # 15
1356 posts
Bumble bee

It might seem important to you but for her its almost a year away so she might not realize you need a decision now.  Also, you might want to consider whether you really do need a decision now?  I would try asking again and giving her a date you need to know by and an explanation of whyyou need to know by then.  I don’t know if I would bother with the whole special invite in this situation until she says yes.  Which is a little silly but I’m not sure the fancy invite will help anything.

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